Roses, texts, hope

Once a year at some point I get a surprise. I love roses they are so beautiful and smell so sweet. I wish I could have them in my house all of the time so that I can see the beauty of them flowering. I have saved almost every rose petal that has been given to me by a certain man in my life. He is a cheap man but when it comes to flowers he goes all out. He searches everywhere for the nicest ones and requests certain arrangements as well as always a glass vase. This year I thought for sure he had forgotten with everything going on, the year has been especially hard and trying. Money has been tight, children have been sick, surprise moving, problems with the house we moved into, more illness....the list goes on and on...

The surprise came on a day that I was sure that I wouldn't make it through the day. The week had been particularly difficult. I have been struggling with work in a few different ways. I dont know if everyone knows but I struggle with people especially people who like to tell me what to do. I tend to buck against the system at that point. My stubborn streak then shows itself and the gold filter I put in tends to fly out. It has been extremely difficult for me to keep myself in check and do the HR thing for the sake of my job. I have learned so much this week of how to behave in a corporate environment. Although I knew how too before I have come to realize the best way to deal with things and it has been helpful. I hope there is a way to move in the company to become better educated. 

I had a glorious opportunity to visit with the CEO of my company. His name is Andy Fujimoto. He gave me 45 mins of his time this last week just to talk about what i wanted to do in his company. The one question he asked me was What can you do to become a better leader? My first response was to work harder then I took a moment and realized the answer is to make sure I am serving those who are around me. I answered him with the thoughts in my mind and a smile came on his face. (Apparently the right answer). Andy then told me that service is what made him who he is. Sure he has money but the money comes from giving to others. Many times during the conversation I felt such a warm love and respect for him. He is a humble and loved man who gives of who he is to make his company a great place to be. At the end of our time I felt sure that my path is set in this company. It will be a great ride, I am going to learn a lot, its not going to be easy, but it is going to be rewarding. 

ON TOOOO..... much more delightful conversation! 

Sometimes Jake and John get a hold of my phone and text their sisters and tell them how much they love them. Now it may not be evident by all of the poop talk but in reality i find a bit of joy in my children. The kids are super funny sometimes. Especially Jakob, that kid can make anyone in our family laugh at any given time, out of the blue. (BEWARE....LOTS of poop talk and if you know Jakes low dry voice have fun reading)

I laughed and laughed when this was happening. Every morning Jake comes in to lay down with me and tell me how much he loves me. Between him and Laura I have 2 huggers on my hands, and the other 3 dont really care about hugs just reassurance that I love them. It is a joy to see them getting along. Lately the boys have been reading scriptures together. They decided one day to learn some scripture mastery quotes and challenging each other to memorization contests. They got with Makayla and made up some cards, she gave them clues for each scripture and now its a they almost have the first set memorized. Certainly gives them something to do other than watching tv. Love those boys. Watching John pass the sacrament is really cool as well. He is still pretty short although I just bought him a size 9 mens pair of sneakers (i am a bit freaked out by that he may be tall???!!!)

As we start into the holiday season I am a bit suspect of the way I will be feeling. I often struggle with the holidays. First of all I dont feel that great about myself at the moment so going into it sucks. Getting motivated to take care of me is on the back burner for some reason. I see my good mate who can motivate and stick to her goals and I admire that so much. I wonder what in me is not there that I cannot accomplish what she has? How do I get as focused as she is? OH and why is food so good? All of the crappy food included. As I look around at all of the the women I know I see how lovely they are shapely, thin(ner than I am by far) and I know they do not feel that way necessarily but I see it and wonder why I dont have the joy of those genes. Havent I had enough going on in my life? Seriously one small break would be nice...either way it doesnt matter I am stuck....

Second of all winter comes and it gets dark earlier and I need the sun. I need to see the light of day to make it from one to the next. Last winter was the best winter by far I had ever had. I was working out...yes i know this answers the previous problem, yes I know I have to figure it out. I hate doing it alone and there is not a chance in the world I will have the hubs do it with me. 

Holidays are meant for family for my kiddos and my Jake is only 10, John only 12 they still love the whole idea of the holidays....still need to keep up. 

in the mean time i have to remember that I am loved no matter what I look like, feel like or act like. I just have to keep up that memory, its hard as the seasonal depression will set in and I have to find ways to work around it. but looking back on this beautiful flower will give me....hope.

Find something to give you hope and when you find it let me know so that I can keep feeling it with you...strength in numbers people.....

Jakob Joseph turns 10

Look at this deliciousness!! I miss this little one. This is my Jakob Joseph. He hadnt been home very long when I took this picture. Getting here was quite the challenge. I was so sick when I was pregnant with him that I got the joy of being on bed rest for 7 months. Ok it was not the best time of my life by any means. It was horrific. But when he finally arrived my heart melted for him. I mean really look at him!

Please ignore how hideous I look in this photo. Jake is literally 4 days old and I could barely move at this point let alone hold my boys. John was so happy to have a little brother. John is 2 in this photo and by a miracle he is not sick. In any case from this day onward those two were inseparable. John would come in and sleep beside him and check on him often to make sure his brother was ok. They are still the same way. They love each other so much, half the time i cant get them to not sleep together still. I think Jake is getting to the point where he wants to sleep alone. But every once in a while i catch them together.

Jakob is one of the best kids. He is so tender and loving. He has a really sweet streak in him. I think he could be a great football player but hurting someone else makes him really unhappy.

Maybe i am bias but that kid was one good looking kid. Man he was so adorable! I always wanted to sit with him and just hold him. He was so easy to deal with. I think I needed it after he was born. It took me a long time to get myself better. ( speaking of that i really need to work on myself again, another blog another time i think)

This kid has finished out our family. I often look at him and wonder where he came from. He looks a lot like my sister Sarah and brother Malcolm. Maybe he takes after the Thomson side (my mum?!) not to sure. He has a bit of Henrie in him but I really see Fernald/Thomson. He is funny and makes us all laugh. He has a super dry sense of humor that must be the New England in him. I am glad he is like that. He rounds us out. 

He is glorious and amazing. Somewhere along the way I started calling him Fred. He has always been that for me. I think as my youngest and as the one whom I had to make some really tough decisions with he is a special one.  Some of his favorite things: Transformers, Chocolate, Seven Brides for Seven Brothers, Jill the dog, Brownies, Chili Dogs, and Fries.

Some of the things his family has to say about him:

Laura he is a good pillow

John when you hit his stomach he farts
Makalya he is not a Jerk like John
Brenda  he is funny
Momma he is my Fred
Dad he likes to mow the yard (personal goat!)

Look at this kid. This is the way he is all the time, happy.

one of my favorites of him (thanks for catching this Rachelle!) Pure joy!

with his big brother. 

typical of my boys always hanging out together. I love this one as well. 

So to family near and far know that my Jake is amazing and wonderful. I know that he will grow to be a wonderful man someday. Just a few years away and he will be a man. For today he is my 10 year old man who loves his mom no matter what. 

so here is a video of my boy. We did this a bit ago. Dont mind me and my word flub in it but he is a funny kid. This is how he is all the time. Enjoy my kid...he makes life happy. I am thankful Heavenly Father sent him to us. 

Sickness, Work, Soup

I love this picture. It has been one of those weeks (or 2) where I am just at my wits end. For about 3 days my boys have been sick, so sick. High fever, chills,headache, cough that sounds like a dog barking. I thought they were well and then last night it all went to crap again. There is nothing more helpless than being in bed alone (Shane had gone hunting overnight with Makayla) and praying that your boys will be okay. I found some peace by propping them up and massaging their backs. I was kept awake all night or close to it. We got ready this morning and went off to the dr but when we arrived the office was closed. C.L.O.S.E.D!!! before you ask I did call and nobody answered but the message said they were open. Super frustrating! So i had to come back to my side of town and stop in at a Primary Care. The MD there was great and thorough, the boys will be better soon but the cough is going to hold on! Yay!?

So then of course they decided to fight, I figure if they can fight they can work until they are tired and sleep! Yup I am mean they worked for the next hour or so....proof? Yup got some

Now they can barely move and are just about ready to fall asleep. I did get them some movies and they are resting (I am not that mean) Oh and we did clean their room. How is there so much damned laundry from 2 boys? They only wear like 5/6 things...and why hide undies? Seriously do they think I cannot smell them? Or know they are out of them when they are wearing the same ones? I dont get boys? It is just plain gross really. Oh and why do they hold on to everything? What do you need that one piece of paper for? or that pepperoni under your bed? (YES PEOPLE pepperoni UNDER the bed) We all need snacks but....ugh I just cannot even. Cannot.Even. 

With them being sick i had to take some days off of work. The first time I have had a big girl job and take some time off. I am not sure what to make of that. Luckly I have some time off I can use so I can at least cover these few days. Nice to have a job where you can earn Paid Time Off and/or vacation time. I can say that I miss working though. I guess because I have a rhythm with it now and am doing well. 

I found this picture of my girls from around the time John was born. Look at how amazing they are! They are amazing and wonderful. To think they look like this now

in the same order too! first picture Brenda is 8ish Makayla 4ish Laura 2ish....this one 18, 15, 14...amazing what a few years do! They are so lovely...Watching Brenda work around having her boy(friend) leave for his mission has been difficult. He is a super guy and really is kind and loving to her. I hope when he gets back it works for them but as of today he has been gone for 4 days and she is having a hard time. She is going to be ok but its tough. So if you have any good ju ju or prayers for her send them on. She would appreciate them...even some kind words on her page would help.

So the last thing I have to talk about is soup! I sit next to a wonderful person at work who is so kind. I had told her about how sick my boys were and how tired I was, that I had forgotten my lunch. She has been sick as well but we started talking about soup and how delicious it would be to have. Her mom works in the same office just another department. Around lunch time my girlfriend says what kind of soup do you want? I say broccoli sounds good. Her mom comes with soup....SOUP! 

It looks bigger than it is but trust me it was delicious and wonderful. I was so thrilled and humbled that she would think of me. I offered to pay her as soon as pay day came...alas she said not to worry. I shall repay her...Its a joy to have her next to me!

Reminds me to be kind to everyone, help everyone and love everyone. Find a way to serve and you shall be served in return. Kinda takes away the crappy times.....

Panda, movies and thanks

So Shane and I went to Panda Express last week. He is a good man but sending him into a restaurant he has never been in makes him nervous. I think its cute but he would say differently. Anyway, we then went to see a movie and I am a huge fan of Denzel Washington for a few reasons: he is nice looking, he is older and gets more handsome, he picks good roles AND he makes some good movie rolls...although this one was bloody and a bit violent it was worth it for me.

Speaking of movies have you ever wondered why movies are made when they are? Right now I have noticed that there is a long list of movies which have some reference to good and evil, Bible (whether you agree with the premise of the movie or not) Fight for freedom...something along those lines. It is interesting that at this time we are making movies which show us that we are (as a collective) fighting against some sort of bad guy or evil. It really is quite fascinating that we as a consumer public are looking for escape in having someone be the hero, the fighter, the stand up guy. What are we afraid of, fighting against in our world or perhaps loosing touch with that we need a constant reminder from the Studio Executives?

Well brings me to my next point. I had an awesome discussion with my sister a week or so ago about the frustration of death. She has experienced the death of our mother, brother and sadly her beautiful child. She has always been a rock of awesome for me, but as we sat and talked i realized that we have depended on each other more than we both had realized. She is the one I went to when I was in a situation where I needed confirmation of myself (she was a teenager at the time) She is the one I talked to when our brother died. We figured out most of the funeral service together. She is an amazing person and is an Atheist. I totally respect her way of life. She is an amazing mother, wife, sister and daughter. She has given me a different view of life as I am a Latter-day Saint. I know she disagrees with me and my views, standards, religiosity (is that a word), but I am so grateful to have her in my life. I dont try to push anything on her, if i step over bounds she tells me. It is glorious to have her in my life.

General Conference was this last weekend and one talk stated that we as Latter-day Saints need to be more open, loving, kind and understanding of others and how they feel about us. I would like to think that I am open and loving to all whom i meet. Some of my good friends are not members of any faith, different faiths, gay/lesbian/transgendered, and just plain could care less what i believe in. I love them all. I have friends all the way from High School who are understanding an kind with me as well. I love having discussions with them. I am so grateful for their understanding of me.

Back to the quote at the top...life is full of trials, frustrations, irritations and plain old crap. Piles and piles of crap! It is so hard to keep going sometimes. One friend i have made over the past week is a lovely woman from work. She is not a public speaker but got up in front everyone in our company including on a webex seminar to tell everyone about her life(over 200-300 people). I was so touched by her frankness and love for her family. She has 3 daughters who all have some ailment which she carefully watches and dutifully takes care of. Yet depression grasps her often and she has to struggle through it. I feel a kinship to her, she is wonderful and kind...frankly amazing. Yet she endures, pushes forward loves all....

The reward of life is having a group of people, family, friends who will be with you through all of it.
I think of my sister, my friends (near and far), the people who are my family who love me and accept me through it all. I have found a way to love and accept all those who come across my path...to still be myself and I know they are always there when I need a break and have to figure crap out.

So to all those who look at this blog for funny me...not today
Just a few thoughts on life, i am not that philosophical but if you read this know in some way if i know you i probably think you are pretty great, no matter what/who you are! You all help to shape me, mold me to become better, kinder, more comfortable in myself and when i need a break you are there to welcome me back...thank you, thank you so much

Birthday, Sick, Crazies

it seems i never have time to do what i want and i get behind...so my birthday came and went i got some new sheets! that is exciting. its nice to have a bed with nice sheets that fit and are pretty. They arent the ones i really wanted but they will do for now. (Sorry no picture)

On my birthday this is what i did (hold up for photos)

John came down with a severe respiratory infection and Makayla, per the usual, had hurting ears headache that wouldnt go away and whatever else is always wrong with her. By this point she was not a happy camper and probably could have killed me for taking her picture but hey it was my birthday!

Finally when we got home we settled into whatever place we could find and i promptly fell asleep in my chair. I had been working 40 hours at AmeriBen then working about 10+ more at BBB on the weekends so i have been pretty beat. Unfortunately for me i left my phone unaccompanied and this is what occured

It would seem the culprit is Brenda...How are we ever going to marry her off? Apparently some boy likes her so maybe when he gets back from his mission he may still like her?? One can only hope. He seems to be a nice boy (plus side? Dad likes him so that is a good thing right??)

At work they decorated my desk. Apparently they do this for everyone. Seems a bit weird to me as I could really care less but it was nice of them. Dont look at my desk its a mess...papers everywhere! Still trying to keep up. (By the way Sarah remember that frame you gave me years ago with all of our names on it? its right there in my cube with my kiddos and hubby in a photo...I love it!)

I had to fill out a questionnaire about what i like and such and now everyone knows of my appreciation for Hugh Jackman! Needless to say a lovely woman at work creates some beautiful artwork and gave me this for my birthday as well...Pretty smokin' (huh Milz??) So he hangs behind me so when i get up to move around I can see his cuteness!

A few days after my birthday my Homie-G who sits next to me got me some cupcakes. She is a great girl i enjoy having her next to me. Hailey is her name and she is a delight to have around. She makes me feel young and assures me I am way smarter then I think I am. We laugh together A LOT and it makes for good times at work when you have someone like that who you can be yourself with. She is amazing, I hope she knows it. I may have to tell her more often. Its like having another little sister around. She is so talented (she is a photographer on the side), smart (works overtime for the company doing a bunch of stuff i dont understand but want to learn), funny (her and Jake have videos going back and forth of saying hi to each other), beautiful (she is lovely inside and out) and super caring (she encourages me to rise to my potential). 

And so that was my birthday and the adventures of the crazies.....