Overtime, Quitting and a Cure!

I haven't written in a while for a few reasons mostly because I have been working upwards of 55-60 hours a week for the last couple of weeks. I had an opportunity to work some overtime at Ameriben in the Medical Management side of the company. That side of the company is where people call to get precertification to have medical procedures done or therapies things like that. I was excited to learn something new! Always up for a challenge. Funny enough a position opened up in that department and I put in for it. I have had the first interview and waiting on info for the next interview. I hope I end up there. It is really a great place to be. I have been there for a few weeks so far and mostly I have helped to fold letters and do some correspondence for them. Ameriben has grown and they are feeling the growing pains. I should hopefully know soon.

I have also been working Bed Bath and Beyond....BUT

I finally gave my notice!!! after 7 almost 8 years there I am done....D O N E! I am so excited. Granted I only work on Saturday nights at this point it is still tiring. I just want to be home with my kids and hubs or maybe have an actual date night. Those seem to come few and far between. (Lurena is the Ops Manager at the store and very nice...but to give Brett my notice was...I cannot explain the joy...just sayin)

One other thing I want to write about. I kind of eluded to it in my last post. My Makayla Jayne has been struggling with headaches for the past 4 years. Some days she cannot get out of bed. Or she gets out of bed and has to go right back. We finally got her to see a Neurologist and we thought YAY finally some relief for her. I had no idea how bad the headaches were until we sat in the office with the dr and she started describing the pain. Pain levels are from a 1-10 she said she has been at a constant 7-10 for the past 4 years. I had no idea. There has been no reprieve for her except when she is sleeping. In fact there may have not been a reprieve then either as Laura tells me often she would awake in the night to calm Makayla and get her back to sleep. (Yes they share a room and a bed queen size of course) I felt like such a horrible mother. How could I have not known? Makayla has always had a high threshold for pain (labor will be a breeze for her!!!) but this is something I cannot comprehend. How to make it better??? Well the meds the dr wants her to take cost 100 bucks for 25mgs for one week supply and he wants her on 200mgs a day!! I may be terrible but I don't have the money for that as well as getting authorization from the insurance to do it has taken a terribly long time.....hold your horses there is an awesome end and no we don't need the money.....

Enter a lovely woman who has taken in my girls as her own being their Young Womans leader...her name is Darla and is she ever a saint. Week after week she would see Makayla close up and hug her and tell her its going to be ok. Week after week she would encourage and love on my girls... and me!
She came to me one sunday in tears and said the most wonderful words I could ever hear..."Michael (her husband) is a Naturopathic doctor who specializes in pain can he take Makayla and work on her?" UM YES, YES he can. Makayla was gone for an hour or more that afternoon and came home WITHOUT A HEADACHE!!! WITHOUT!!! we sat in wonder and disbelief that this had happened. The pupils of her eyes were wide and reactive and she was well rested and feeling the best she had ever felt...EVER!!!! We wanted to cry but that brings on a headache so we sat in wonder and I hugged her and said I was sorry I couldn't have helped her sooner.

So ya I get snippy and grumpy about moving to Meridian but I think I have found a reason we are here if only for a bit. Finding this man to help my girl has given me peace of mind. She is one of the greatest kids I could have ever asked for (well now that she is older)...Peace is a nice thing....

If you need this mans name please feel free to send me an email or a message and I will give his info out! He is so kind and loving I cant imagine the world without Darla and Michael!

JADED: READ AT YOUR OWN RISK

***DISCLAIMER****
(you were warned with the title to read at your own risk so don't give me crap)

You know its hard for me to not be jaded. I have found in the last few weeks I am a jaded person...so then I looked it up and what did it say? 

Jaded adjective

1. dulled or satiated by overindulgence:

a jaded appetite.

2. worn out or wearied, as by overwork or overuse.

3. dissipated:

 

Some things I am jaded about include but not limited too:

1. DEATH
2. PHONES
3. DEATH
4. CHOCOLATE
5. PEOPLE
6. VOICES (just random ones)
7. DEATH
8. OTHER PEOPLES DRAMA (mostly because I have enough I cant care about yours too)

 

As you notice I have a few things which are making me annoyed one being DEATH.

I feel like I have to be careful what I write. I know there is someone out there right now saying "here goes Moira so insensitive and rude" but you know what I am 41 years old. I feel like I have seen enough death and sadness in my life I have an opinion and I want to say it.

 

Death is hard, death sucks, death can suck all of your soul out of you and make you feel dead even though you are alive and trying to make life a good place. At the same time it changes you for the better... for good. But frankly I don't want to hear about your trial with it. I have worked very hard over the past year to be more understanding of a loved one and her take on death. There can be joy in death, a sweet release of the soul after tortuous pain, but I cant see joy in the death of a child. Don't tell me Christ loves me or loves her. I know he does but that sucks for my sister...she just wants her baby back. Don't tell me how I should be happy and you think social media should be a place of positivity...I don't feel positive some days. Hell most days I am grateful I can make it through a day and get home to see my kids and hope that their day hasn't been a train wreck.

 

The trials of life suck in a huge way, how do I hide? well do I hide?? hell ya I do, this week I took my beautiful daughter to a specialist and found out how much she has suffered over the past 2 years. I was telling a friend of mine at work what a horrible mother I was because I didn't even see it! I do not wish death on anyone but on myself gladly. How could I have not known? We do all the "right" LDS things Family Home Evening, scripture reading, church, callings, all the regular bull....but here in front of my eyes is my daughter suffering in silence. Of course she says its not a big deal but I could crawl under a rock and die from being horrible. This morning as I looked at her rolled in a ball in her bed I thought of the people who say just be happy, just rejoice, be positive...well hell with you and your crap. you come and see her suffer in such a tortious way and tell me to be happy.

 

Don't hide yourself behind all of your happiness (which I don't believe) and tell me to do something when reality is hard HARD. The past 3 years of my life have been so hard I wonder sometimes why I am still here. I cant just pick up my kids and go on a vacation to make things "glorious" or even have a break from the trials which have come our way. I feel in a way there has been a death in our lives and it was our actual life. We don't travel and loose ourselves in God's nature because we don't have the gas to make it to work barely. We don't do things with our kids cause it takes a large amount of planning and money to do anything with 5 children. I take that back we do things but often its because we are serving someone else at the same time. Usually we do pig roasts together or smoke food for others...whatever in any case I am not there as I have spent a large amount of my time working 2 jobs for the last 8 or 9 months....

 

ohhh sure you are thinking how ungrateful and bitchy is she, ungrateful no wonder she feels that way she isn't doing all she should be doing or whatever Mormons say to make you feel even crappier than you are...well screw that crap. Life is disgustingly hard and frustrating. If you have to know I come to work smiling and help everyone I can, I read my scriptures, say my prayers, spend time with my children (who I think are a priority over the temple). I have a drawer of chocolate that I share with the most beautiful women I have the pleasure to keep company with.

 

Are there positive things happening YUP there are ( I am banned from blogging about them for a bit Shane has final say on this big news)...but sometimes I am so tired. Sure would money make this time better? Hell yes, but it doesn't fix the issues...I just want some peace....again reminder am doing all the "peace" stuff but its never there...turmoil, strife...whatever you call it but I have learned to live with it.

 

I guess what it comes down to is that Facebook friends are going to be deleted cause I don't give a crap about what you think...there will be a fair amount who stay but some of you I just don't care any more...I am doing the best I can here, and hanging on by my fingertips is really getting old.

 

Enough of that mess...I may have lied about being jaded about chocolate...just sayin

 

Prime Rib, Christmas, Love

Christmas has come and gone as well as the old year. I am slacking in the blogging but i get so busy and I have been sick as well....hmmm sickness and I are like close friends except i dont like sickness...

I am sure you all wanted to know how the prime rib turned out....well it was AUH MAZ ING

Getting it prepped...butter on the sides and pepper onion powder and garlic powder on the top

So 450 temp for 30 mins then down to 275 for the next few hours and we (Me, Laura and Makayla) took turns basting it...delicious

You have to see both sides....then we let it sit for 30 mins before cutting into it....

I didnt take any pictures of our dinner because we were all so shocked at the dinner. I even teared up a bit in thankfulness for those who thought so much of us to give us something so wonderful. We had mashed potatoes and gravy (made from the drippings) and some corn. It was so wonderful. I think the kids just looked at it for 5 mins and talked about how great it was to have it. Then we said prayer and thanked Heavenly Father for the men who provided for us. The prayer was one of the sweetest I have ever heard from my boy...must be doing something right i guess...

BEFORE all of that was Christmas...i got a few picts but we had a low key one. 

My kids have a special aunt who takes really good care of them. Every year she begs and pleads for a list from my kids, to no avail, this year there was an actual list...The kids got some stuff on the list, I think they were pleasantly surprised.

Jake got his first shot gun from his dad, this is big news people. Means that Jake is finally in the ranks of the older siblings and can go hunting next year! He is so excited.

My panorama try was not very successful but eh...its what you get.

as a family we exchange names and you have to give something you can do or love to someone else...Jake got the shot gun from dad, Dad got a coupon book from Jake (he made it all up by himself)

He also gathered money from his siblings so Shane and I could go on a date. Super cute! Well manly i guess he said he is manly now. 

Brenda gave John the gift of music she went through her music with him and filled an ipod so he could have some of his own music. It was nice to see them finding common ground. Makayla gave me a drawing and some chocolate, Laura gave Makalya an ornament she made in class...I gave Brenda a ring I have worn since she was born. Shane bought me a ring after Brenda was born made of Black Hills Gold with a little tiny diamond in it. When she was 10 she asked if she could have it I told her when she gets older...Well this was the year...she was thoroughly surprised i gave to her and even teared up a bit. It has been tough the past week or 2 not having that ring on, but i know she loves it...

The kids got a ton of movies this year 

Note that Brenda is excited about the Twilight series which she bought for herself and I wrapped and kindly told her she was gay for needing it.....just saying we had to watch ALLLLLL of them...all of them

John got a watch he wanted so bad and a Transformer but i think his watch had his eye for a while, Jake is messing with his Transformer....

I didnt get many pictures of the girls but they were thrilled to get some new things. The men who gave us all of the meat also gave each child a gift card to Walmart. It was a surprise to the kids but they were certainly very grateful. I am often in awe of my kids. They are so grateful and happy for anything they receive. They told their dad to go to work and thank the men who brought them things and asked if there was anything they could do for those men. The kids I have are so charitable and loving. 

As we pondered on our year before we actually opened gifts we had a prayer and in the prayer Makalya asked for Heavenly Fathers love to surround my sister and her family because of the loss of her small baby. I was so touched that she would think that much of her Aunt Eileen. That on a day that gifts would be given my children thought enough to send love, thoughts and prayers to my sister who is still reeling from the loss of her sweet Rosie. I specifically remember her saying to let Eileen and her family know how much we love them and hope for a better year for them. 

The true grace of God is watching my children grow into awesome human beings. Knowing that all of the mistakes i have made (and repented for) ARE in the past. We together have created children who love their family where ever they are and whatever they believe and want only for them to know of the love they have for them. 

It was a blessed Christmas, a great time to be with my children and rest...just rest...On to another year.

What Brenda SPEECHLESS??? Yes people...read on

Sometimes we are blessed more than we think. I cannot remember the last time we had any kind of beef in our house. Some people who know our family have given us a gift which we were so surprised by...even Brenda was speechless....

Now anyone who knows our family to have Brenda speechless for any amount of time is like a blessing in disguise. Seriously that girl never shuts up. Whoever marries her is going to have to have some ear plugs or something. If she isnt singing she is shouting or being Obessive Compulsive about something...there is always music going and usually i ask her to be quiet. Heaven knows i love the girl but seriously...just one day quiet would be nice...

Any way back to my story

That big hunk of meat in the back is actually a Prime Rib!!  PRIME FREAKING RIB MAN!!! (Rachelle I expect T to be very jealous) the one in front is a roast....what you want to see more???

There is another roast right there...this is beautiful RED meat that is from a COW!!! this COW meat has made all of my children sigh with great amounts of joy and happiness....

This my friends is London Broil steak....STEAK...ok i know i am yelling (via caps lock) but this is something to yell about. 

Now I have no idea who these "guys" are but Shane apparently works with them. They also gave him a gift for the kids which they dont know about yet and a gift card to the grocery store in case they "forgot" something...

There are potatoes and i forgot some of these because Shane didnt get to go on his Buffalo hunt this year....

Our kids are excited to have fries and burgers. Not to mention Shane. These men who provided us with such a gift are not members of our faith, in fact i dont think they are of any faith. They just saw a  man who works hard, loves his family, sacrifices for others and thought he deserved something special. One of these men has been to visit our family and loves our children (we must be doing something right)! They tell Shane all of the time how impressed they are with us raising our kids the way we do. I cannot wait to give them the other gift these men have given each one...(yes this means there will be a christmas post). 

All in all these last 2 years have been some of the most stressful. We have gained so many friends in our journey to where we are. Heavenly Father watches over us in many ways. Sometimes I get so frustrated, why cant we just make it through this trial? then its why does this one have to come now? I can only hope my children do not have to go through all that we have in the last 15 years of our marriage. Surely we have taken all of the trials for them (at least it feels like it) and they can thrive with their spouses and maybe throw us a bone every once in a while. 

What would make these men think to do something for our family? I guess I have an idea but in reality I do not feel worthy to have such a bestowal of gifts upon us. Sure its food but the last time we had any kind of beef in our house was about 5 years ago. The joy on my children's faces is something I cannot explain. I guess going without is not a bad thing really, you learn the joy of receiving, and how to give when it is time. 

Merry Christmas people, and if you have enough, go give it away, you may be bringing joy to someone who has gone without for a long time....the joy is boundless...and you will get more than you give.....

Now onto Buffalo Burgers and fries for dinner......

kid update

Ummm, I dont like a lot of things. One is teaching in front a of a group of people who I dont know. Today I had to teach in Relief Society (an hour of time in church where all the women-folk hang and learn some stuff together). Last month the Bishop asked me to teach once a month. I said yes, I mean really who can say no, he seems like a really nice guy. The lesson was on Mary and the birth of the Christ child. I have often wondered what it would have been like to ride a donkey 9 months pregnant knowing that I am carrying the child of Heavenly Father. I cannot imagine riding a donkey man, I am stuck on the donkey riding.....

In any case I am amazed at her resilience and stamina to bring in the world the Son of God. I think back on my pregnancies and how difficult they were. Frankly, I was not a nice person and life was tough for me. But as I sit here know i see my kids and they are amazing.

Brenda is working hard. She is accomplishing so much in her short time away from Connor. Granted she misses him so much and loves him, it has to be tough and she wants to be ready for him when he comes home. He writes some lovely letters to her and lets her know he is thinking of her and prays for her strength in the Gospel. I am so grateful for a Young Womens leader who took the time to be real with Brenda, giving her good advice and helping us raise her in the best way possible. Without that woman in Brendas life I fear where she would have ended up. Now look at her just getting ready to move forward with her life...she is pretty cool

Makayla is getting ready to go get her license. I am so glad she is the way she is. She makes our life fun and happy. She loves the classes on auto mechanics as well as auto body. It is something she thrives on doing. She and her dad have already changed a heater core in the truck we have. It was exciting and wonderful for them to accomplish that together. 

Laura is my art girl. Her art is coming a long so beautifully. I dont have any pictures right now she tends to hide them. But when i get a glimpse they are absolutely lovely. She is talented, but she doesnt think so. Her hair is awesome too...i love her hair. 

My boys are my boys. John is smelly and 12 and Jake is smelly and 10. John is working so hard on his scout stuff it looks like he will have his Eagle by the time he is 14. Who does that? I will keep you posted on all of that stuff. 

Life is a tough thing. We as a family have been under a huge amount of pressure. I have been working a lot and I am tired a lot. We have some other things going on as well but i dont want to publish them here. If you think you cannot take another step further ask yourself do I have to be 9 months pregnant riding a donkey across the desert? No? well then i think you will be ok. Mary had a ton more work a head of her then i did so I guess I will be ok. Somehow we will make it through it all.....

So as another aside if you feel prompted to help someone this holiday season, do it. We have been blessed many holiday seasons by people who have felt a need to bless us. Someday we will give back, right now we cannot. But if  you feel so inclined help others, anytime and all of the time. The goodness of life will come back to you...

Moon, Village, Cards and Christmas

I took these pictures the about a week ago. I came home from work late the shadows on the house were so beautiful. Full moon and clouds going over the moon. I dont have an awesome camera but I played with  my phone for a bit and found this setting that lets me take photos at night and makes them sharp. The middle one is by far my favorite. Just so clear and lovely. I thought about my niece Rosie, my brother Malcolm and my Mum. I felt like I could be close to them all for a moment in the silence of the night. I sent a little prayer out to heaven for them. It was nice to have a quick moment alone with the beauty of the night. It was a nice moment. 

There is a place in Meridian called the Village. It is quite lovely. Shane is not a fan cause everything is so close together. It is kind of a hoity toity place but they have some beautiful fountains. There are fire places around as well so you can warm up and some seating as well to watch the fountains. They have an ice skating area as well. 

Erin came to visit us for Thanksgiving (as an aside it is always a pleasure to have her with us.) We went to the movies and had some fun time doing some shopping on Thanksgiving night. I know people get upset about that but in reality life is full of opportunities. We had a lot of fun just being together. It made for some fun times. Oh and ERIN I had to wrap what you left and well you are wonderful to us more than you ever need to be. You have a heart bigger than your....well you know...and trust me i wont tell anyone, just know that we love you more than you know. 

This time of year is always a bit difficult for me. I have struggled for years. I know part of it is the death of my mum the other part is basically the winter time sucks?! But every year i get a card from a fabulous woman. I had the joy of having my Aunt Iris and Uncle Ron at our house 2 summers ago. It was so much fun. I wish that I had taken some pictures. I didnt and I will be sad for that forever. 

This is the cover of the card she sent this year. I actually wait all year for her to send one to me. Somewhere in my house i have other cards from years past because i love them. Her writing reminds me of my mothers. It must be the way they learn to write in Europe. Its nice to feel so loved from my mums family. I know my other aunts and uncles and cousins think of us as well. Some day i want to go to visit. I am afraid it may be a few years down the road but my goal is to see the smiles of my aunts and uncles. Visiting a few beautiful countries would be nice as well. 

We got out the stuff for Christmas and Jake was so happy. See that Kohls box? its full of presents from aunt Sarah (to whom we can never repay anything) She has made Christmas a wonderful season for us every year. Our life has not been one of ease. It has been difficult to say the least, she has been the one constant in my kids life. She gets really upset at the kids every year because they never ask for anything. This year she called and made them write a list of 10 things they actually wanted. They were excited to write a list. I have never asked for a list from them. They still put very practical things on the list and i had to make them re write it so there were things they really wanted. We shall see in the end if they got what they asked for! I think they will be pleasantly surprised. 

As we go into the Christmas season I am tired. I have been sick for the past 3 days. Violently ill for one long night and then just really tired. But i see a few vacation days coming for me in the next week or so, that will be nice. Just some time to hang with the kiddos. Maybe some funny stories to come out of it. Who knows...it is Christmas after all.

Turkey, Thanksgiving, Wood, Black Friday

I havent been in much of a mood for blogging. The last few weeks have been up and down mostly down and frustrating. The house we have been in is pretty cold first of all. I hate a cold house. Turning up the heat doesnt seem to help cause the furnace is always going..ALWAYS going. All I hear is money going out the window and that makes me frustrated.

So I am sitting here thinking about our thanksgiving and it was fun. Before thanksgiving my kids wanted to give some turkeys away. So Shane got up and with the help of the boys smoked a bunch of turkeys and gave them out to people.

He also made one for my work. We have a pot luck once a month and people loved the turkey. At least they said they did. You never know really....people are people you know. I was glad that Shane did it. He is pretty talented and I like to show off his talents. 

I only took like 2 photos of the dinner but it was delicious.

 The kids and Shane helped one of his Home Teaching people with their wood. You all know how much he loves doing wood....its in his soul....
The lady in one of the pictures is a sister missionary in our ward. She is from Samoa and quite the woman. It is nice to have her around. She was quite good at the wood chopping.

On Thanksgiving night the girls and I and Erin went to see the Hunger Games movie Mocking Jay. It was good. After they wanted to go do some shopping something we have never done so we went and enjoyed the time. Found some nice deals and bought some presents. The above pics are at the Village in Meridian. It is a nice place. There are some fountains and other decorative stuff especially for Christmas. It was fun and festive...The girls really had a good time. We ended up going to Walmart Target and Khols it was fun. I enjoyed the time, not sure i want to do it again....without money. 

The valley on Black Friday evening was nice and I love seeing it. Here in Meridian there are not enough places high enough to take some pictures but on Federal Way there is a nice view.

Fall in Boise is done and Christmas is coming time to reflect and make some new choices. The changes are coming for our family. Stuff I havent written about here and not a lot of people know....but you will soon....

Stay tuned for all that is coming, what about you and the new year? What is going on with you? Will it be amazing? I hope so....