My Jake is 11

Jakob Joseph had a birthday a few weeks ago. That kid makes me happy. He makes everyone laugh around him. When his siblings arent home he is not the same. He is a low maintenance kid really. He does not ask for much. He makes the best brownies in the universe. He is strong and smart...so smart. He loves to help his dad in all things mechanical, dirty and basically gross. Those 2 are always in the garage working on something. Dont get me wrong he is smelly and a boy but he is wonderful. His favorite book right now is Corinthians, yes you read that right the Bible. He reads to me at night and is always curious about what, why, and how the old Apostles worked. Good thing there is a really smart guy in our ward with a huge amount of knowledge of the Bible.

All that being said here is my boy

Here is is gift from us Black licorice. I despise the stuff but he loves it....he was so happy.

The only thing he asked for was the Hobbit all 3 movies. We have watched them so much over the past few weeks I wish the movies would go away. But he actually squealed with excitement when he opened his gift from his Aunt Sarah. Its the little things that make him happy.

I like that about my children. It is the little things. Time together, laughing at each other, loving each other.Makes me think Shane and I have done something right. They love the time together. Playing games, listening to music,working together...whatever it is they love each other. Dont get me wrong there are times i am sure there is some sort of death on the horizon, but all in all...

I hope they are this way for the rest of their lives. I hope they feel the way about their siblings like i feel about mine. No matter where they are in the world they always have each other.When Shane and I arent around anymore I want them to have each other. 

I am hoping for photos soon of my kiddos so if you read this keep on reading. Those will be coming. On another note this is my day today, this was how i felt at 6 am...

                                 

More about me than you want to know

I am sitting in my own house, on my own couch, enjoying time with my kids. Watching movies, listening to the washer finish, the dryer going, Brenda is doing her homework, Makayla is coming home from work...would seem my life is perfect, right? Perfection is not what my life is.

I am overweight, tired, frustrated with my job and where I am, I want to shop to have more, to do more. I want my house to be better than it is, BUT today I was reminded that I have a blessing that some other people do not have. I have depression and anxiety. Why is it a blessing you ask? Because it makes me who I am. It has taken a long time to be so open about it. I know it started when i was a preteen and has been a part of my life for years. I have eluded to it often and have started talking about it in the last year more often.

Now why is this a blessing in my life? Kind of a dumb thing i think to have it be a blessing but at the same time it has shaped me. I have been afraid for many years of what people think of me or the way they see me. I am not pretty, not thin, dont have nice clothes, or a new(er) car. Heck i just realized how smart i am working where i do. My sisters and brothers are way smarter than I. Over the past year i have found that my struggles are more prevalent than I expected. Most of the women i have run into have some level of depression or anxiety. I have even seen it in my children. (no worries we are working on it as a family). It can be at any level as well. Worry over children, money, looks, learning curve almost anything you can think of.

Today i was reminded again that my blessings of depression and anxiety have been a blessing to others. I had a friend today tell me how grateful she was for my blog and what she found out about me. At another time this week I was thanked for being so honest about my troubles. That day i had a hard morning and getting to work was tough. The next day she and I sat outside during lunch and talked about how similar we feel and she thanked me for being me. I in turn am completely blessed to have her in my life.

So what do i do, how do i keep my head above water? How do i keep going on when sometimes i sit at my desk and want to cry? I laugh...A LOT. I find reasons to make funny stories, small little jokes, which turn into big ones, making fun of myself sometimes to bring a respite to the day. I am glad I can be that for others.

Well my blog for this week isnt that wonderful, but maybe helpful? Leave some noise if you want, I am always available for questions as well. Know this I am more grateful for my Heavenly Father for loving me through the toughest times. He is always there for me, ALWAYS on my side. Making me understand myself.

Now for a few quotes from a man I admire with all that I am. He is amazing and engaging. His words lift me every time i hear him speak. His name is Jeffery R Holland. If you are ever interested in hearing from him youtube him.

I am always around.....

Homecoming beauty

Makalya Jayne was asked to the Homecoming dance by a nice boy. I mean i suppose he is nice. All three girls and I went on an adventure to find everything for the dance in one day. Surprisingly we found it all. Makayla is as lovely as she is a tomboy....it was tough finding something that would work for her. She isnt that picky but she isnt that girly either. Lucky for us we found the perfect dress for way under 100$ (like 25$) at Ross and it was perfect. Just for her perfect.

Then we went for shoes. She does love the high heals and glitter shoes which i cannot figure out but eh, we looked and looked and found the right pair to go with the lovely lace on her dress.

Then her hair she needed something to accent the hair. We thought at first a head band, but the awesome lady at Clairs said nope you need these thingys they just twist into her hair.

this is the outcome her brothers were quite taken aback:

As a mom I have to say I made that whole person. She is absolutely lovely. She has had so many challenges in her short life. Of all of my children, she and John are the ones i worry the most about. She always has something going on that is medical, and yet she always takes the time to move past it. She is smart, so smart, but struggles with learning. She is so super talented. She works on cars and yet i never see grease anywhere...she is wonderful and amazing. I am so lucky to have a kid like her. She just makes her way and pushes through. I am amazed by her, because she is amazing.

Now for this photo. 

This is the young man she went with Kincaid. He apparently has his eye on my girl. He is a senior and she is a junior. There is a lot to live up to if he wants to be with her. She has high expectations. I think he is learning that she isnt like other girls. She has expectations of a young man and demands respect. He is used to having all the girls like him. My girls are different though...much different. 

Now for the silly photos. 

There are always some of this girl she never ever has all serious photos.....goodness i love that girl.

sick, giving up

Sometimes I just want to give up. I have been really sick for the last couple of weeks. I am tired. I have been going to work and doing everything I can to keep up with my job, just when I think I am ahead I get sick again on the weekends. I dont want to have to take any time off of work. Surprisingly I like what i do. I am not feeling as challenged as I would like but I think that is coming.

I came down with a pretty crappy infection a bit a go and it is taking its sweet time clearing up. I think though i probably push myself too much. At the same time, I think I have been that way all my life. I have been listening to a song lately that really is nice. It is one that I blast in my earbuds when i am feeling down and it brings my soul alive a bit.

I have found lately that i have been talking a lot more to people about religious stuff. It is funny how it comes into conversation. For a while i had been staying late at work and now i have to leave early on Wednesdays to do Young Women stuff. All of the ladies I work with are always asking what we are doing, what is the plan, what activity am i doing with them, how are they coming along in their projects? Seems strange to me as they dont know really what is going on. I have been working on YW stuff for the past few weeks and there is a lot to do. I suppose it will all clear out sooner or later but it feels like a long way away.

I am not usually one who talks to people about Mormons or stuff i believe in unless they ask mostly because I get busy doing what i am doing and it doesnt come up. I have an awesome friend who has been a member at one time and is not now. She has become a great friend almost a sister to me at work. I know whenever i need someone to talk to I can go to her and let out my frustrations. We have a cone system. The cone is where i can say whatever I want and she listens sometimes she gives me tough feedback, sometimes just agrees, sometimes tells me i am full of it, sometimes just an ear to hear. I love that i can be that way with her. She encourages me to be myself and tells me all the time I am a bad ass. I like that. She also doesnt have a problem calling me on my crap. If i am being stupid she will say. But her encouragement has helped me see that I can and will succeed in what i want. I can achieve greatness. She is so understanding of my love of my family and church which is awesome as her experience is not that great. She understands how grateful i am for General Conference and the joy i get from my Hubs love for me. (even though he has a wizard beard which is what she calls it).

In other news, I made pie and bread. It was delicious.

Shane and I celebrated out birthdays...he had the best cake a chocolate mousse cake i would like to say he ate all of it but in reality he did share. 

We had hot dogs, some steak, potato salad and of course ice cream. It was a fun night. With Shane doing so much with Elders Quorum he isnt home much and fitting in the celebration was between Conference. It was nice to be with the kiddos:

Conference in comfy clothes is a nice way to have it. We had the sister missionaries over for the first session then fed them some food. It was great. I was sick yet again but they were cool.

I have been lacking on writing in my blog. I am glad i have others that write it reminds me to keep it up or my sweet NZ friend wont know what is going on. I wish i could get out of my funk. My funk comes around and likes to hang its not a good thing. I had to explain it to my presidency when we had a meeting there is nothing more humiliating then saying Hey I am in a funk and trying to get out. Bare with me. I am working on it. Of course the sicker i have gotten over the past weeks the worse my funk is. 

Maybe my next post will be better...just some musings on some good times within my funk?