Finding My Peace

There have been 2 suicides at my kids High School in the last 2 months. Not a fun time for my kids. The most recent one Laura was friends with the young man. The young man named Randy, was very helpful to Laura in her English class. From all that I see of him, he was a nice boy. He loved the music of the 50s. Dean Martin and all of the Rat Pack. Along with Elvis. I told Laura i would go with her to the funeral. A conflict of scheduling and we ended up with Axel, so he had to go with us. Laura and I talked a lot about her friend and how sad he must have felt to go to that extent. I told her to make sure to tell his parents how Randy affected her. I told her she should write down her feelings and memories of him and give the letter to his parents. Funerals are hard, death is hard, dealing with it as such a young age is harder. Funny Laura said she knows he is happy now and in the arms of other family members, at peace. I find a lot of peace in Lauras words. She has had quite a few struggles in her life. I am an admirer of hers. She has more strength in her than she knows. She will find it all one day. I am still surprised she wishes to go on a mission. She has known someone virtually every year of her high school life who has committed suicide.She is note normal girl she is shaped differently. In the end she is amazing. If you dont know her, you should get to know her.

Axel was great at the funeral, always difficult to keep a child occupied when it is a somber occasion. He ended up falling asleep on the way home. That boy eats a lot of food. He is growing so much and generally super happy. 

I seem to put up photos of him all the time i want to keep it going for all the grandies that I have close to me or even can get photos of. Funny though we had him one full day and i didnt take one photo. NOT ONE...i am sort of upset by it but not really. He is adorable. He certainly makes life fun and different. I cannot imagine having a baby at the age I am now. I am just too old, I think its because i have already done it all and am over it. WAAAY over it. It is nice to see Brenda and Skyler doing so well with him. He is just barely getting up on all fours trying to figure out the crawling thing. He eats like boy....and i mean eats everything. He had pancakes, chicken, veggies and fruit while at our house. Along with a ton of water. He drinks out of a cup so it was fun to help him hold it and watch him learn how it works. 

I have a new job, i work for Trinity Health, the umbrella company of St Alphonsus. I am still in billing but doing follow up billing for a hospital in Fresno California. Working on the Medi/Cal insurance which is Medicaid for that state. Let me tell you it is a cluster of crazy. A beast of its own. There is much more work involved and brain power to utilize so that is a good thing. I certainly 1) will not get bored and 2) will not have time to listen to the crap around the office. Something else pretty cool John some how got me some blue tooth headphones (something i have always wanted). I get up and down a lot at work printing paperwork to send to insurances (which is bothersome to me, why not do things electronically? ask the insurance) In any case i can listen to whatever and move around easier now. 

Last week (Feb 11) this game of Monopoly started. It is now Feb 18th and it is still going on..of course there was a week off as school and work inhibits things...Makayla, Jake and John are in the midst of the battle. Let us see who shall win, i would guess nobody. They are enjoying the time they have together. Laura however, is sleeping soundly on the couch. She has had a rough week. 

With the change of jobs for me we finally make enough money to be fully self sufficient. Its really a great feeling. The change has given me a raise, way better insurance and a better work schedule. I work 6am to 230 pm. So i joined a gym and will get back into the swing of things again. I am excited to focus on me for an hour every day. Its going to be nice to have time to me. I have found that i treasure that time. I want to treasure the time while working on my body and making myself strong. I admire my friend Melissa who works so hard to be strong and healthy. I want to be more like her, so that is what i am going to do. It seems life has leveled out for our family. Life is even and our children are growing. 

Shane and I discussed a few weeks ago what life would be like with out the kids in the house, its going to be nice. I had a difficult time when Brenda left although i did not really tell her. She is my girl, I will have a difficult time when Makayla leaves. I think even harder when Laura leaves for her mission. I have to prepare. I have time with my boys, but i can see them growing up up up and getting stronger and willing to leave. They are amazing to me. I wish I could have been like them growing up. I suppose different parenting. 

Over the past while i have been listening to a particular podcast. The person doing this podcast discusses the importance of the family unit. The high importance of having a mother in the home, of morals, values, of having an alpha male as a father. This person discusses the change in society over the last couple of decades and how we have lost the meaning of obedience to parents, taking responsibility for ones actions, tolerance of bitchiness (on the part of women) and most importantly how the feminist movement has destroyed what it means to be a woman. When it comes down to it, Shane and I are the parents. It is our job to make sure our children can handle themselves in the world, not everyone is going to speak nicely to you, not everyone is going to let you speak your mind. Sometimes no is NOT on your life, or YOU ARE FIRED. Money doesnt come from us parents figure out how to make your own money and here is how to budget it. I know a lot of people disagree but you know, i have found that it does not matter. I see what Shane and I have done and the children are all on the right path. They are all kind loving understanding, responsible kids. Do they mess up? Hell ya they do, but they choose their consequence. At a certain age in our home, you choose what the consequence is to your actions. If we(parents) deem it not sufficient it gets discussed further. Also you live here past graduation and you think you live here free...not so my sweet child....nothing in life is free not even education. There are ways to work through things. 

May sound strange but we have found this works for us. Yet our children still love us. There is still balance in our home. There are children who crave time with each other with out Shane and I around. It seems so far to be a success. I just appreciate this podcast i listen too. It certainly gives me a boost.

In the mean time my Christmas lights are still up and I love them. I turn them on at least a couple of times a week. I love to see the reflection in the house around my Henrie sign, my sister sent me.  I know my children have a soft place to land when hard things happen. A place of peace, comfort, joy and happiness. Better yet I have found a peaceful place. A place that is mine, on my couch, in my living room, in my home with the laughter of my children...or snide words over Monopoly...I have found my peace. 

I have sufficient for my needs

I have been thinking a lot about this particular saying. I have sufficient for my needs. Probably because I WANT more things but i dont really need anything more.
List of things I want (but do not need):

1. new car
2. super big fluffy pillows and about 9 million (okay not really) of them
3. a job that pays 3 times what I make now
4. about 12 more pairs of shoes (which may or may not include new stylish boots)
5. a new wardrobe (all new dress slacks, shirts and skirts)
6. new phone (which may or may not be most awesome)
7. new wonderful amazing bathroom

Well you get what i mean, i could make a list a mile long. So I was contemplating this list of things which contemplation may or  may not have included one or all of these things, then i realized none of this is really necessary. Sure all of it would be nice, but in reality the list of things i have that are sufficient:

1. A car that runs and starts every day
2. 2 pillows and one for my knees (cause my hips are not my friend after 5 children)
3. a new job that has given me a bit of raise (that covers the cost of insurance for my family)
4. 3 new pair of shoes that cost me less than $50 (purchased with a gift card my hubby got from work)
5. Shopping spree at Goodwill that cost me less than $20 and got me a pair of trousers, 2 shirts and a tank top (that is sparkly and lovely-all in my new size)
6. my phone works amazing and really doesnt need to be replaced
7. One bathroom that still works, just fine.

There is more i can put on here but why complain. This year is starting out as a wonderful fantastic year. Shane and I visited the temple to just talk for a while and spend time, the Meridian Temple is quite beautiful. I had not been in side to see any of the rooms. Being in one particular room there is a beautiful mural of the scenery of Idaho. I spent a lot of time staring at the walls. Looking at the talent of the artist. I am constantly amazed at the talent that surrounds me. I am so not talented like that. I see the talents of those around me and i wish often for just a smidgen of that. I wonder what my talents are....i will keep wondering for a while till i figure it out. 

See these hats, this is that talent of my sons. We found a lot of yarn in the house hiding. We forgot there were looms in the house, so we set the boys to work on hats. We have found that over the Christmas holiday we need to keep the kids active. We gathered the looms and the boys sat around and watched movies and made hats. All different sizes and colors....of course the best one was on our sweet boy Axel

So then we ended up with a bunch of hats, what to do, what to do....The boys first wanted to give them to the local women's shelter, then John said what if we give them to the pediatric wing at the hospital so the kids there can have some fun hats. So I sent an email to Saint Alphonsus and got an answer back, the Director of Development a woman named Robin Navert said the hospital would be happy to have them. The boys and I made an appointment and off we went. St Alphonsus is not too far from us and is a relatively new hospital. It was fun to see the boys be interviewed, sort of, by here. She took some photos and asked some questions. It was a nice time. They are great boys. All their doing really. Funny how having sufficient for your needs can create a giving attitude in the home. 

I had been having quite the struggle with my job. It had become stressful and quite bothersome. I often felt like i couldnt achieve what i wanted. So i was feeling down. I came home to a dinner prepared, with candles lit. It was a lovely night. This was the night i came home to beautiful christmas lights up in my house as well. 

Again, sufficient for my needs. I was beginning to question constantly, WHY, WHY, WHY....you know the old mantra of why me, constantly in my head. Then i come home to the beauty of my own home, our own kitchen, my family coming together to think of me. There was food, so it was for them as well, but they were excited to do this for me. I love the Christmas lights, it makes the ambiance of the house just a bit softer. Sometimes when Axel is here i turn on the lights and we play and hang out. Looks sort of like this:

Dont mind the laundry in the background or the dirty house...but seriously SUFFICIENT for my needs. Shane found a bunch of toys at a yard sale and brought them home for Axel....it was so fun to watch him play.

This will not be the first nor the last time i say this boy Axel Hugh Rigby, saved my marriage. The beginning of our lives as grandparents started rough, but having this sweet one come from the arms of my mother and brother directly to our family brought a bit of peace. The more he grows the better and better our lives become because of him. Shane and I were at a yard sale and saw some old Tonka trucks, the metal ones. We immediately bought them, cause every boy should have Tonka trucks. We took them to his parents and they were so grateful. My joy was full, that these broken up Tonka trucks made them happy. 

Seeing Shane with Axel makes my heart sing every time. The photos are fuzzy, because Grandpappy was making Axel laugh. Shane does a lot of the play with Axel he did with our kids, maybe a bit gentler (as he is older and is a gentle giant now) For some reason grabbing a beard is a fun thing, Grandpappy loves it no matter how many times Axel grabs him. 

Shane is very talented. Shane and the boys started buying and selling things, as a way to earn some extra money for our family. In his looking he found this awesome couch. It is basically brand new, the family was moving to Hawaii, we bought it from them for less than a quarter of what they wanted. I love this couch, had been in their home for less than 4 months. It is absolutely amazing. For what we paid its worth every single penny and more than that. I have to say i have more than enough. Working hard at becoming more.

So sufficient for my needs, a rose from my love. He is my joy. There are so many words that I could use to tell you about my love for him. Yet i shall remain silent. My life is sufficient, my world is sufficient. I am beginning to understand the importance of "I have sufficient for my needs". 

It is hard to believe these kids have grown are now filling my life with so much joy. Shane and I say we now have a success rate of 3 out of 5...Brenda, Makayla and Laura are all on their way to greatness. They all love the gospel, Laura is prepping for her mission (still in the plans but we have a year), Makayla is going to school and working. She is also working in church with all the ladies to help them be united under the banner of Relief Society. Brenda is an amazing mother and creative. She has grown so much, her choice to have Axel and not go to school may sound stupid to the world, but Skyler is an amazing man, they pray together, talk together, they conference with each other....they work it out. I am so proud of them for all they work out together. As a husband and a wife, we stand back, let them work it through...and find joy in their growing family. John and Jake have some time left with us, but we have time with them every night to read scriptures and they question everything. Its a joy to have all of them....it is sufficient....i am whole and happy in my heart.