Calming, Release, Perception

Things in our house are calming down. I am so happy about it. I have noticed that my kids are awesome for a while then there is a day when they all sleep. John is always the trigger. He got up at his regular time this morning between 530 and 6 am, went to the bathroom and promptly went back to bed. He NEVER does that. Usually he is up reading or surfing the web about monsters or the next funny movie coming out (BTW Angry Birds is going to be a movie?). I had been battling illness since Friday night so i was in and out all night. He went back to bed I thought, this isnt good. The only good thing we have going for us today is that it is a 5th Sunday and so no meetings for Shane and I. I decided around 8ish to get up and make some pancakes and eggs. I got everyone up to eat together and the silliness ensued. Although on my kids face i could tell they all wanted to be back in bed.

Jake is full of sarcasm and the New England dry (as a bone) humor. That kid can make anyone laugh at any time. He is the comic relief we need in this house. He had us all laughing at breakfast. As we got ready for church John was first to go down, he went to lay down and out he went. He also has a cough that is starting and it always wipes him out for a day or so. Brenda doesnt go to church until 1 but she was back in bed, Laura started dragging, and Makayla was not looking good either. I wondered how it was going to go....off to church we went leaving John asleep.

Before Sacrament meeting even started I looked at Makayla and realized she has a ear ache and a small headache. I massaged her ears and helped the pressure in her ears, but then the organ started and she was out for the count. Laura at the same time started to tear up and I realized that her head must be pounding and she was just struggling. Laura has some issues with her body and often those issues really just require her to sleep, a lot. Sometimes in a dark room, just rest with no stimulation. So Makayla and Laura headed home. Not more than 5 mins later I got released from Young Womens. I am not sure how my Young Women feel about that but it was needed.

I have known for about 3 weeks that i was getting released. When Shane was called to be the Elders Quorum we knew it would be a lot for me to take on. Bishop spoke to me and told me that he felt for a while i needed to be more focused on the children. I agreed. It has been a difficult time over the last month. I love being with the youth but i have to focus on my children right now. Shane has been so busy with the Elders that Mom needs to be home. I hope my girls are not too upset but a change is needed. I have some wonderful ladies who help me out and i am sad to not be with them as often. I feel relief in a lot of ways. I am grateful for the chance i have had to serve but really need to move on.

Shane, Jake and I left after sacrament and came home to be with the children. Makayla and John had ice on, Laura was sleeping, Brenda was gone. We just hunkered down got the fire going and some food for the kids. I laid down on the couch and was out. I have been so tired, this illness has wiped me out. I slept for a bit and got up everyone was at the table eating. We had Jake again making us all laugh, but then back to bed they went. I ate but it promptly decided it did not want to stay within my body so there is that.

All of this makes me wonder do others have it better than I? What am I doing that makes this so damned hard? I suppose everything is perception. My lead at work states that to me all the time. I suppose i perceive others the way i imagine and that cannot be good. I am hoping the calm can continue for a while. I am tired and worn out. My life could be better I suppose but how much better? I will never be a millionaire, probably will only ever have just enough. But with planning will be able to go and do fun things. Maybe i whine too much, and need to refocus on what it is that i have. I figure everyone goes through this. We all must have these times in our life?? What do you do to combat the feelings like this?

For now i am going to ride on this....just for a while....

Better, Happy, Forever

I am learning how to be a better person at work. The last few weeks have been difficult,  but at work it would seem much harder. I am at a good place at work where i tend to help a lot of people. I help the lead out with the work flow and answer questions that arise. I am trying to work harder at being better behaved. I struggle with that. I have to figure out how to do better. It is a struggle. I have my New England smart mouth and tend to say things i shouldnt half the time. I am working on it. Sometimes it is tough because i have to really watch myself.

People in Idaho are soft. Really soft. I feel like sometimes i cannot really be who I am because I am going to hurt peoples feelings. Not that i care that much outside of work but I suppose its something i need to pay attention to. Again working on it.....

The kids are doing really well. I had a great out pouring of love and comfort with my last blog. I am often surprised by those who care so much for me, even with my mouth. Makayla and John are recovering really well. They have a bit more time before they are completely healed. It has been terribly sad to watch them struggle, but they are tough kiddos. Our other child is recovering well and on a great path. Life is always a struggle, learning to deal with it is the tricky part.

Last night i came down really sick. I was throwing up at both ends (if you know what i mean). At one point i was on the floor hoping to get off the floor. I had to call Shane to come and get me. I havent been in a spot like that for a while. I remember when i was pregnant with Laura I was sooo HUGE i couldnt get off the floor ever. So i would wait on the floor and try to scoot over to the step in the front room to get up. Was a really tough time. Now i look at her and she is beautiful and wonderful. She has the most wonderful personality. She is finally signed up for Drivers Ed and putting in applications. I cannot believe she is almost 16.

I cant believe i have a 20 Year old in 2 weeks. Brenda is so smart and wonderful. She is working and going to school and balancing her life in a positive way. She has such a wonderful future ahead of her, working towards it is the key. We all have to find a balance, balance is hard, but with family around and support we can make it.

Life is an interesting ride, sometimes the ride is really hard. I watch others and wonder how their life can be so easy. I want a new car, new phone, new clothes,want want want. But where does want get you? Want gets you without. Then I realize i have the greatest kids. Do they drive me crazy? Yes. Do they make it difficult sometimes? Yes. Then i realize I have been given much MUCH  more than i ever thought i would have. Good husband who is a strong priesthood holder, fiscally responsible, understanding, loving, a fantastic father. I have 3 of the most wonderful daughters who are strong in their morals and have their heads working towards what God wants of them. 2 sons who are working on becoming Eagle Scouts and trying to be like their dad. They all are the best. We have a house, where there is peace, love, and understanding. Where we have joy, laughter, and strength in family.

I am so grateful for this....I hope we can have it forever. Look at those smiles....

Struggles, Accidents, Support

Life is full of ups and downs. This week as been totally down, hoping for the upswing. One of our children has been struggling for a while and its a private situation that we are not discussing outside of our family. I love all of my children with all that I am, this week has proven that to me. I have often compartmentalized my time and this week has been difficult doing that. My kids are funny, crazy, kind, compassionate and slightly insane. I love having them around.

One of our children has been struggling for a while with some issues which affect progress. This child has had such support this week from siblings. This child is working on issues that have affected life in many ways. We as parents have been there as much as we can and know how. Sometimes outside help is needed. Dont be afraid to get that outside help, even if that child says they are ok, probe until you find out if they are. The siblings have rallied around the one to bring joy, happiness, strength, love to one another. It is an amaizng thing to see. I cannot tell you how proud I am of the humans they are becoming. They are compassionate, kind, understanding..everything i wish i was at their perspective ages. They have rallied around each other for more than one reason.

On Jan 18th Makayla and John were doing errands and turning into a parking lot. They were rear ended by a car that was hit by a Peterbilt semi hauling a piece of equipment. The semi was going 45 miles per hour and didn't break in time. Makayla called her dad and got out of the car and took photos. John got out to walk around. The police officer said my kids are the first kids she has ever met who were calm and collected and told her what happened then gave her the photos she took. I got the call at work and headed to St Al's to meet the children at the ER. When I arrived Brenda, Laura and Jake were there to meet me. The nurse who was over the children came out to see me and stated that she had never seen such calm collected children. Brenda and Laura went into be with Makayla and Jake and I went into John. When i got there he cried a bit, but mostly because he was relieved to see me. He told me he was fine and that he loved me and wanted Makayla to be ok. Laura said when Makayla saw her Makayla was relieved.

I took the kids home and on the way home Makayla said her head hurt. We immediately called Michael to get her into see him. Darla, Michael's wife, told us to come by later. We did, he took 2 hours with the kids working on them to help them.

Michael and Darla Plyer have been a blessing in our life. They have become another set of parents to our children. Darla was so kind to have us over and while Michael was taking care of the kids she was taking care of me. She knew i was emotional, tired and probably a bit broken that night. She took the time to walk me through what i needed to start to be healed. I am so grateful to have her as a mother/friend. I can say anything to her and she takes the time to respond and give me good straight forward advice. Our love for them grows by the day.

I am so grateful to have others in my life who take care of me when i need it. I have found another good friend who has taken the time to actually get to know me. I am not very good at letting people in. I do not have many people in my life that really know my struggles and frustrations. I have tried really hard with Mormon people and its tough, there are maybe 2 or 3 that i have connected with in my life. One lives close by me and i am so grateful for her. I will talk about her another time. Right now I want to talk about a friend who works close to me. Somehow she takes me as i am, she sees me through the tough trials when i cannot take one more step. She was the one who I cried on last week when i thought my children were damaged beyond repair, or was going to loose one. Her support has been...something I cannot describe. She has not allowed me to wallow, to feel pity, to sink into the arms of depression. She has validated how i feel and encouraged me to be more than i am. I am forever grateful to her for her support. She will never know how much she means to me.

This week has been a bit calmer and I am tired. I think catch up from last week is getting to me. The emotional struggle over the last week could have put me in a bad spot but it didnt. I am doing ok. My children are recovering, getting stronger. I can hug them and show them how much i love them, whereas a week ago i couldnt touch them. I can work and know that all is well in our home. The support of siblings is an amazing thing. My siblings support me the same way i watch my kids. I am so very grateful to have all of my siblings in my life. Of the struggles i have been in they have supported me in so many ways. I am glad to be where i am....

Long awaited photos

Look at my children.They are amazing. I love them. My sweet friend Hailey, affectionately known as Homie Hailey at our house, took these photos. She braved a cold morning at the College of Idaho campus to take awesome photos of our family. My girls are so beautiful. I am so proud of them. And the boys....just awesome....So here we go....

Love my boys. They make me laugh.

Lauras hair is absolutely fabulous! Amazing

Makayla looks so grown up. 

Brenda has the greatest red hair...so beautiful

Here are some of Shane and I. 

Love my guy.

AND NOW my FAVORITE:

And that is our Family.