JADED: READ AT YOUR OWN RISK

***DISCLAIMER****
(you were warned with the title to read at your own risk so don't give me crap)

You know its hard for me to not be jaded. I have found in the last few weeks I am a jaded person...so then I looked it up and what did it say? 

Jaded adjective

1. dulled or satiated by overindulgence:

a jaded appetite.

2. worn out or wearied, as by overwork or overuse.

3. dissipated:

 

Some things I am jaded about include but not limited too:

1. DEATH
2. PHONES
3. DEATH
4. CHOCOLATE
5. PEOPLE
6. VOICES (just random ones)
7. DEATH
8. OTHER PEOPLES DRAMA (mostly because I have enough I cant care about yours too)

 

As you notice I have a few things which are making me annoyed one being DEATH.

I feel like I have to be careful what I write. I know there is someone out there right now saying "here goes Moira so insensitive and rude" but you know what I am 41 years old. I feel like I have seen enough death and sadness in my life I have an opinion and I want to say it.

 

Death is hard, death sucks, death can suck all of your soul out of you and make you feel dead even though you are alive and trying to make life a good place. At the same time it changes you for the better... for good. But frankly I don't want to hear about your trial with it. I have worked very hard over the past year to be more understanding of a loved one and her take on death. There can be joy in death, a sweet release of the soul after tortuous pain, but I cant see joy in the death of a child. Don't tell me Christ loves me or loves her. I know he does but that sucks for my sister...she just wants her baby back. Don't tell me how I should be happy and you think social media should be a place of positivity...I don't feel positive some days. Hell most days I am grateful I can make it through a day and get home to see my kids and hope that their day hasn't been a train wreck.

 

The trials of life suck in a huge way, how do I hide? well do I hide?? hell ya I do, this week I took my beautiful daughter to a specialist and found out how much she has suffered over the past 2 years. I was telling a friend of mine at work what a horrible mother I was because I didn't even see it! I do not wish death on anyone but on myself gladly. How could I have not known? We do all the "right" LDS things Family Home Evening, scripture reading, church, callings, all the regular bull....but here in front of my eyes is my daughter suffering in silence. Of course she says its not a big deal but I could crawl under a rock and die from being horrible. This morning as I looked at her rolled in a ball in her bed I thought of the people who say just be happy, just rejoice, be positive...well hell with you and your crap. you come and see her suffer in such a tortious way and tell me to be happy.

 

Don't hide yourself behind all of your happiness (which I don't believe) and tell me to do something when reality is hard HARD. The past 3 years of my life have been so hard I wonder sometimes why I am still here. I cant just pick up my kids and go on a vacation to make things "glorious" or even have a break from the trials which have come our way. I feel in a way there has been a death in our lives and it was our actual life. We don't travel and loose ourselves in God's nature because we don't have the gas to make it to work barely. We don't do things with our kids cause it takes a large amount of planning and money to do anything with 5 children. I take that back we do things but often its because we are serving someone else at the same time. Usually we do pig roasts together or smoke food for others...whatever in any case I am not there as I have spent a large amount of my time working 2 jobs for the last 8 or 9 months....

 

ohhh sure you are thinking how ungrateful and bitchy is she, ungrateful no wonder she feels that way she isn't doing all she should be doing or whatever Mormons say to make you feel even crappier than you are...well screw that crap. Life is disgustingly hard and frustrating. If you have to know I come to work smiling and help everyone I can, I read my scriptures, say my prayers, spend time with my children (who I think are a priority over the temple). I have a drawer of chocolate that I share with the most beautiful women I have the pleasure to keep company with.

 

Are there positive things happening YUP there are ( I am banned from blogging about them for a bit Shane has final say on this big news)...but sometimes I am so tired. Sure would money make this time better? Hell yes, but it doesn't fix the issues...I just want some peace....again reminder am doing all the "peace" stuff but its never there...turmoil, strife...whatever you call it but I have learned to live with it.

 

I guess what it comes down to is that Facebook friends are going to be deleted cause I don't give a crap about what you think...there will be a fair amount who stay but some of you I just don't care any more...I am doing the best I can here, and hanging on by my fingertips is really getting old.

 

Enough of that mess...I may have lied about being jaded about chocolate...just sayin

 

Prime Rib, Christmas, Love

Christmas has come and gone as well as the old year. I am slacking in the blogging but i get so busy and I have been sick as well....hmmm sickness and I are like close friends except i dont like sickness...

I am sure you all wanted to know how the prime rib turned out....well it was AUH MAZ ING

Getting it prepped...butter on the sides and pepper onion powder and garlic powder on the top

So 450 temp for 30 mins then down to 275 for the next few hours and we (Me, Laura and Makayla) took turns basting it...delicious

You have to see both sides....then we let it sit for 30 mins before cutting into it....

I didnt take any pictures of our dinner because we were all so shocked at the dinner. I even teared up a bit in thankfulness for those who thought so much of us to give us something so wonderful. We had mashed potatoes and gravy (made from the drippings) and some corn. It was so wonderful. I think the kids just looked at it for 5 mins and talked about how great it was to have it. Then we said prayer and thanked Heavenly Father for the men who provided for us. The prayer was one of the sweetest I have ever heard from my boy...must be doing something right i guess...

BEFORE all of that was Christmas...i got a few picts but we had a low key one. 

My kids have a special aunt who takes really good care of them. Every year she begs and pleads for a list from my kids, to no avail, this year there was an actual list...The kids got some stuff on the list, I think they were pleasantly surprised.

Jake got his first shot gun from his dad, this is big news people. Means that Jake is finally in the ranks of the older siblings and can go hunting next year! He is so excited.

My panorama try was not very successful but eh...its what you get.

as a family we exchange names and you have to give something you can do or love to someone else...Jake got the shot gun from dad, Dad got a coupon book from Jake (he made it all up by himself)

He also gathered money from his siblings so Shane and I could go on a date. Super cute! Well manly i guess he said he is manly now. 

Brenda gave John the gift of music she went through her music with him and filled an ipod so he could have some of his own music. It was nice to see them finding common ground. Makayla gave me a drawing and some chocolate, Laura gave Makalya an ornament she made in class...I gave Brenda a ring I have worn since she was born. Shane bought me a ring after Brenda was born made of Black Hills Gold with a little tiny diamond in it. When she was 10 she asked if she could have it I told her when she gets older...Well this was the year...she was thoroughly surprised i gave to her and even teared up a bit. It has been tough the past week or 2 not having that ring on, but i know she loves it...

The kids got a ton of movies this year 

Note that Brenda is excited about the Twilight series which she bought for herself and I wrapped and kindly told her she was gay for needing it.....just saying we had to watch ALLLLLL of them...all of them

John got a watch he wanted so bad and a Transformer but i think his watch had his eye for a while, Jake is messing with his Transformer....

I didnt get many pictures of the girls but they were thrilled to get some new things. The men who gave us all of the meat also gave each child a gift card to Walmart. It was a surprise to the kids but they were certainly very grateful. I am often in awe of my kids. They are so grateful and happy for anything they receive. They told their dad to go to work and thank the men who brought them things and asked if there was anything they could do for those men. The kids I have are so charitable and loving. 

As we pondered on our year before we actually opened gifts we had a prayer and in the prayer Makalya asked for Heavenly Fathers love to surround my sister and her family because of the loss of her small baby. I was so touched that she would think that much of her Aunt Eileen. That on a day that gifts would be given my children thought enough to send love, thoughts and prayers to my sister who is still reeling from the loss of her sweet Rosie. I specifically remember her saying to let Eileen and her family know how much we love them and hope for a better year for them. 

The true grace of God is watching my children grow into awesome human beings. Knowing that all of the mistakes i have made (and repented for) ARE in the past. We together have created children who love their family where ever they are and whatever they believe and want only for them to know of the love they have for them. 

It was a blessed Christmas, a great time to be with my children and rest...just rest...On to another year.