JADED: READ AT YOUR OWN RISK

***DISCLAIMER****
(you were warned with the title to read at your own risk so don't give me crap)

You know its hard for me to not be jaded. I have found in the last few weeks I am a jaded person...so then I looked it up and what did it say? 

Jaded adjective

1. dulled or satiated by overindulgence:

a jaded appetite.

2. worn out or wearied, as by overwork or overuse.

3. dissipated:

 

Some things I am jaded about include but not limited too:

1. DEATH
2. PHONES
3. DEATH
4. CHOCOLATE
5. PEOPLE
6. VOICES (just random ones)
7. DEATH
8. OTHER PEOPLES DRAMA (mostly because I have enough I cant care about yours too)

 

As you notice I have a few things which are making me annoyed one being DEATH.

I feel like I have to be careful what I write. I know there is someone out there right now saying "here goes Moira so insensitive and rude" but you know what I am 41 years old. I feel like I have seen enough death and sadness in my life I have an opinion and I want to say it.

 

Death is hard, death sucks, death can suck all of your soul out of you and make you feel dead even though you are alive and trying to make life a good place. At the same time it changes you for the better... for good. But frankly I don't want to hear about your trial with it. I have worked very hard over the past year to be more understanding of a loved one and her take on death. There can be joy in death, a sweet release of the soul after tortuous pain, but I cant see joy in the death of a child. Don't tell me Christ loves me or loves her. I know he does but that sucks for my sister...she just wants her baby back. Don't tell me how I should be happy and you think social media should be a place of positivity...I don't feel positive some days. Hell most days I am grateful I can make it through a day and get home to see my kids and hope that their day hasn't been a train wreck.

 

The trials of life suck in a huge way, how do I hide? well do I hide?? hell ya I do, this week I took my beautiful daughter to a specialist and found out how much she has suffered over the past 2 years. I was telling a friend of mine at work what a horrible mother I was because I didn't even see it! I do not wish death on anyone but on myself gladly. How could I have not known? We do all the "right" LDS things Family Home Evening, scripture reading, church, callings, all the regular bull....but here in front of my eyes is my daughter suffering in silence. Of course she says its not a big deal but I could crawl under a rock and die from being horrible. This morning as I looked at her rolled in a ball in her bed I thought of the people who say just be happy, just rejoice, be positive...well hell with you and your crap. you come and see her suffer in such a tortious way and tell me to be happy.

 

Don't hide yourself behind all of your happiness (which I don't believe) and tell me to do something when reality is hard HARD. The past 3 years of my life have been so hard I wonder sometimes why I am still here. I cant just pick up my kids and go on a vacation to make things "glorious" or even have a break from the trials which have come our way. I feel in a way there has been a death in our lives and it was our actual life. We don't travel and loose ourselves in God's nature because we don't have the gas to make it to work barely. We don't do things with our kids cause it takes a large amount of planning and money to do anything with 5 children. I take that back we do things but often its because we are serving someone else at the same time. Usually we do pig roasts together or smoke food for others...whatever in any case I am not there as I have spent a large amount of my time working 2 jobs for the last 8 or 9 months....

 

ohhh sure you are thinking how ungrateful and bitchy is she, ungrateful no wonder she feels that way she isn't doing all she should be doing or whatever Mormons say to make you feel even crappier than you are...well screw that crap. Life is disgustingly hard and frustrating. If you have to know I come to work smiling and help everyone I can, I read my scriptures, say my prayers, spend time with my children (who I think are a priority over the temple). I have a drawer of chocolate that I share with the most beautiful women I have the pleasure to keep company with.

 

Are there positive things happening YUP there are ( I am banned from blogging about them for a bit Shane has final say on this big news)...but sometimes I am so tired. Sure would money make this time better? Hell yes, but it doesn't fix the issues...I just want some peace....again reminder am doing all the "peace" stuff but its never there...turmoil, strife...whatever you call it but I have learned to live with it.

 

I guess what it comes down to is that Facebook friends are going to be deleted cause I don't give a crap about what you think...there will be a fair amount who stay but some of you I just don't care any more...I am doing the best I can here, and hanging on by my fingertips is really getting old.

 

Enough of that mess...I may have lied about being jaded about chocolate...just sayin