Makayla Jayne is 16

I never thought that someday I would blog and put things out there. It seems strange to me that i ould publish things about my life but its ok, at least i think its ok. When I first started writing i debated a long time about if i would use my kids names or my husbands. I found though i am all about my family so there it is out there. Plus we have a ton of stuff going on at different times and i have to delineate and using made up names or just initials sucks.

On to better things Makayla Jayne turned 16 on the 19th of November. She is a pretty tough girl.

She was born at 930 at night with the snow falling and it was beautiful out. I remember looking out the window and thinking "i hope this kid is going to like me"...it would seem she did not like me from the get go....loved that daddy though. He just smothered her and loved on her like he did with Brenda. This photo above is one of the few times she was quite. She was sick from the beginning. If it wasnt one thing it was another with her. She has had so many things wrong with her i cant keep up sometimes. 

At two weeks she got her first ear infections (yup both ears) and she couldnt nurse well at all. Within a few more weeks I realized she was not going to nurse so onto bottles and the joy of formula. Then she was allergic to everything made in the world.So throw up became the daily norm. Along with crying and screaming. I dont have many pictures of her after this one above because i spent a lot of time trying to stay sane and keep her alive. 

She would scream all day and Daddy would walk through the door and she would stop. I had a respite for 2 hours a day. Or sometimes my blessed step mom would come and get her and let me rest or at least talk to Brenda. Makayla Jayne has been an excursion in frustration. 

She started walking at 8 months, just up and walked, no crawling for her no time for it I think. 

brenda being the big sister waiting for us to get the groceries out of the car

brenda and Makayla loved eachother, btw they are looking at dad not me

That is Laura and Makayla, short hair cause she didnt like her hair up

This is my girlfriend Claudia's porch. I brenda loved the swing, Makayla loves Grandmama

Makaylas first swinging time. 

Makayla has this cheesy smile... still

This by far is my favorite of her. She has grown into a beautiful pin up girl

and there she is always in her daddies arms

Makayla has had to deal with more in her lifetime than any girl should. She has been sick, deaf (partially), worked through learning disabilities (still working through them and succeeding), now she deals with chronic headaches and constant pain in her ears. She is a tough kid who works hard, (home, work and school) provides for herself, but most of all she has the most giving and loving heart of all of my kids. She is tender and loving and the one who thinks of everyone but herself. 

She is amazing and wonderful, sometimes crappy but that is a girl thing. She can hold her own and I am glad she can. She is going to be an awesome mom and wife. Or whatever she chooses to be at this point a mechanic and I think that is pretty groovy!

I love you Makayla Jayne....you are pretty great!  Mum

Ps if you smile more boys will like you! Keep the resting B@%#h face away. 

Photos, pumpkins, apples

I was standing outside the other day in the glorious sunshine of Idaho and was missing the leaves of a beautiful Maine fall. I was wondering when life would settle down and why life is so difficult some times. It would seem that our lives since we have been married has not been one of ease. Working long hours, difficult pregnancies, depression struggles, death, illness with children, surgeries....and on and on...oh not to mention a few moves in the last 7 years. My kids are done moving and dealing....well no need to complain just look at the photos from my phone...I am not a photographer but I think these ones are nice.

I am no where near as talented as my photographer friends, but i did find a way to edit these ones. Unfortunately, I am lazy and this is going to take too much time so you get what you are given at this point. Ok I am not lazy, just tired and have other things to do. Like write in my blog. 

I have had a journal for almost all of my life. I have times when i dont write most of the time its because I was sleep deprived or something of that sort, but now you would think I could, time is an issue. Working upto 50 hours a week is a bit overwhelming and my kids are always on the computer doing homework. So I dont have access all of the time. Not to mention I work on the computer all day long and I usually dont want to deal with it when I get home. 

One day last week I was telling Shane how much I missed having pumpkins and apples in the house. I mean really who has a Sunday afternoon with out popcorn and apples? I remember that is what we did all the time, oh and play Scrabble...sadly enough Scrabble has lost its appeal with my kids (well some of them) and we have had no apples. I like having pumpkin cause I really feel like pumpkin in a can is crap! CRAP, I say....So this was my surprise

There are only a few of these treasures left. All of the rest of them are in our freezer frozen and awaiting pie (which I hate) and pumpkin roll. Jake has found a pumpkin brownie recipe. We will have to try that one. Laura made pumpkin roll yesterday (thanks to Jessica a la Puss-n-boots for showing us that treasure). That pumpkin roll was delicious. I only got one piece, but it was delicious. 

Around about the same time Shane bought 2 bushels of apples. They are now in our freezer as well. It always feels a bit better knowing that there is some food around the place for the times when you want a treat...

I have realized that my kids are pretty great. They do stupid things sometimes and i wish most of the time the laundry was done in some way....by the way i have been missing a bra for 2 weeks, I am not sure where it could have gone too but apparently its just gone, like the washer ate it or something? Seriously how does something that big just disappear?....on to what i was saying i also wish they would clean the bathrooms...but overall they are happy kids. They dont ask for much and just want our attention. They are all at a good age and are fun to be around. Its nice to see them at this point. There was a time I never thought this would come, yet here it is. 

I guess the holidays are coming....thanksgiving is going to be spent at our house and that is going to be awesome. Just a day where we are all together (with a friend, well mostly a sister) and can enjoy movies and time....just time. What are you doing on Thanksgiving? Do you have to run all over the world? I hope you get the joy of staying home and just being....just being....The next day I have to be at Bed Bath and Beyond for a long shift so go easy on the peeps working on Black Friday! 

I am going to try to be grateful through this holiday season and be in the spirit...its going to be a choice for me that i have to consciously make but i am going to work on it...What do you do to get into the spirit of the holidays? do you have some trick? Let me know so I can work on it myself....Thanks peeps

Fluff, Tuna, Bread, Cereal

Sometimes you just hope for a respite from all that is going on in life. Sometimes that respite does not come and it can be frustrating. Trying to be happy through it is the most frustrating part. What is happiness anyway? What do you do to find that joy? For me there are times when it is easier than others. I know I say a lot about finding it but really do you?

The day to day can be somewhat mundane and frustrating at times. I get up go to work, attempt to make a difference in someones life (anyone or at least make someone smile that day) and then I come home to kids who i still try to attempt to make them smile and love life. Man it can be frustrating. I see others and wonder what makes them happy, why do they get to go on trips, have a new car (that doesnt need the heat on so it doesnt overheat ok in winter not so much in summer), or nice clothes ( i have found of late i want to buy a lot of socks? I have no idea why just want some new ones?) I often ask myself what have i done wrong as a parent that I cannot give my kids the awesome stuff, new computers, cell phones, cars, clothes, whatever crap i guess....then i remember... they dont NEED it, its stuff i WANT them to have. In reality driving the car (with the heater problem which will be resolved soon) and wearing the old socks, and not having a brand new computer or snazzy stuff makes us a better family. I am sometimes not sure how but then something happens and the respite comes in the form of a surprise....and an awesome one at that...

My girls Young Womens leader was going to pick up her daughter from her mission...in New Jersey of all places. She asked my daughters what they missed the most about Maine they said Fluff...they couldnt explain the pleasure and joy of Fluff, but they said if you happen to find some just bring us one jar and we will pay you back when you come home. Last night Makayla came home with a bag full of Fluff...oh what joy was to be had in our house....

Fluff is a Marshmallow Creme type of treat for my kids. In Maine you can buy it in bigger containers (probably in all of New England). The kids just had fork fulls of it with a bit of peanut butter...They remember as little ones I used to give them a bit of Fluff on graham crackers for a treat. My favorite is a thick layer of Fluff and some peanut butter on crappy cheap white bread from the store!!! It is like joy in my mouth. 

Look at those faces! A bit of Fluff and they dont care about the car, electronics, stuff...they care about the memories that came, they care about the woman who remembered them when they thought no one understood them. 

A few weeks ago a friend at work cleared her cupboard and gave me some things. In the box was tuna, 6 cans of tuna. There was also Spaghettioes (no name and name brand) Canned corn and a few odds and ends. Just things she thought I could use. I walked through the door with tuna and my kids lit up like Christmas trees. Who do you know that gets excited over tuna? They were so grateful prayers were said in thanks as well as a batch of Jakes brownies in return. (My friend by the way will not eat any other brownies than Jakes now... and she usually buys the Ghirridelli ones!) Another person randomly leaves different types of bread on my desk, another leaves cereal randomly. The gratefulness that my children have for these women whom they do not even know is heart warming to me. Sure its food...everyone loves food....but its the fact that these people, without knowing are teaching my children compassion, love and service is humbling to me. The kids always want to return the favor...oh brownies are always accepted at work (seriously Jake does some magic with those brownies) but I know that the women at work expect nothing in return except the stories of joy i pass along of my kids response to cereal, tuna, and bread. 

Sitting here at the end of a day when I am particularly annoyed and am glad to be sitting alone in the dark, listening to Jake and my hubs snore....I have to remember what I am grateful for and thank my Heavenly Father and stop being a grumpy old lady. I have to put aside my want for things and see what has been given to me. I have been given much, I too will give as much as I can. I think of the things I miss this time of year and for one of the first years in a while I have not cried much...some sort of peace is entering my soul and I am glad for it....

In the mean time I have been listening to some bluegrass music lately and I came across this one...not quite down and dirty bluegrass but close enough...

So what about you is there a respite that has come into your life and did you have to take a minute to recognize it? I certainly did...Shame on me for not being more grateful for the joy in my children, i need to work on that kind of joy...

beauty and some funny!

Have you ever wanted to travel? Just go where ever the wind takes you? I do! Some day I may be able too but for now I travel from my house to work and home. There are some beautiful views here in Idaho (I never thought I would say that)

Someday I am going to see more of the world. My next trip will be full of pictures. Not sure when that will be but when it happens I am going to enjoy every minute. God has sure made a beautiful world.

What ever you believe in life is a wonderful thing. We all have ups and downs in life. I certainly do, what about you? I thought a bit of funny would make life more interesting for my blog.

In all reality, laughing makes my day a lot easier, so I find ways to laugh and enjoy life. It may not be the most conventional ways but I find them. Joy is what you make it...go out and get some!

Roses, texts, hope

Once a year at some point I get a surprise. I love roses they are so beautiful and smell so sweet. I wish I could have them in my house all of the time so that I can see the beauty of them flowering. I have saved almost every rose petal that has been given to me by a certain man in my life. He is a cheap man but when it comes to flowers he goes all out. He searches everywhere for the nicest ones and requests certain arrangements as well as always a glass vase. This year I thought for sure he had forgotten with everything going on, the year has been especially hard and trying. Money has been tight, children have been sick, surprise moving, problems with the house we moved into, more illness....the list goes on and on...

The surprise came on a day that I was sure that I wouldn't make it through the day. The week had been particularly difficult. I have been struggling with work in a few different ways. I dont know if everyone knows but I struggle with people especially people who like to tell me what to do. I tend to buck against the system at that point. My stubborn streak then shows itself and the gold filter I put in tends to fly out. It has been extremely difficult for me to keep myself in check and do the HR thing for the sake of my job. I have learned so much this week of how to behave in a corporate environment. Although I knew how too before I have come to realize the best way to deal with things and it has been helpful. I hope there is a way to move in the company to become better educated. 

I had a glorious opportunity to visit with the CEO of my company. His name is Andy Fujimoto. He gave me 45 mins of his time this last week just to talk about what i wanted to do in his company. The one question he asked me was What can you do to become a better leader? My first response was to work harder then I took a moment and realized the answer is to make sure I am serving those who are around me. I answered him with the thoughts in my mind and a smile came on his face. (Apparently the right answer). Andy then told me that service is what made him who he is. Sure he has money but the money comes from giving to others. Many times during the conversation I felt such a warm love and respect for him. He is a humble and loved man who gives of who he is to make his company a great place to be. At the end of our time I felt sure that my path is set in this company. It will be a great ride, I am going to learn a lot, its not going to be easy, but it is going to be rewarding. 

ON TOOOO..... much more delightful conversation! 

Sometimes Jake and John get a hold of my phone and text their sisters and tell them how much they love them. Now it may not be evident by all of the poop talk but in reality i find a bit of joy in my children. The kids are super funny sometimes. Especially Jakob, that kid can make anyone in our family laugh at any given time, out of the blue. (BEWARE....LOTS of poop talk and if you know Jakes low dry voice have fun reading)

I laughed and laughed when this was happening. Every morning Jake comes in to lay down with me and tell me how much he loves me. Between him and Laura I have 2 huggers on my hands, and the other 3 dont really care about hugs just reassurance that I love them. It is a joy to see them getting along. Lately the boys have been reading scriptures together. They decided one day to learn some scripture mastery quotes and challenging each other to memorization contests. They got with Makayla and made up some cards, she gave them clues for each scripture and now its a they almost have the first set memorized. Certainly gives them something to do other than watching tv. Love those boys. Watching John pass the sacrament is really cool as well. He is still pretty short although I just bought him a size 9 mens pair of sneakers (i am a bit freaked out by that he may be tall???!!!)

As we start into the holiday season I am a bit suspect of the way I will be feeling. I often struggle with the holidays. First of all I dont feel that great about myself at the moment so going into it sucks. Getting motivated to take care of me is on the back burner for some reason. I see my good mate who can motivate and stick to her goals and I admire that so much. I wonder what in me is not there that I cannot accomplish what she has? How do I get as focused as she is? OH and why is food so good? All of the crappy food included. As I look around at all of the the women I know I see how lovely they are shapely, thin(ner than I am by far) and I know they do not feel that way necessarily but I see it and wonder why I dont have the joy of those genes. Havent I had enough going on in my life? Seriously one small break would be nice...either way it doesnt matter I am stuck....

Second of all winter comes and it gets dark earlier and I need the sun. I need to see the light of day to make it from one to the next. Last winter was the best winter by far I had ever had. I was working out...yes i know this answers the previous problem, yes I know I have to figure it out. I hate doing it alone and there is not a chance in the world I will have the hubs do it with me. 

Holidays are meant for family for my kiddos and my Jake is only 10, John only 12 they still love the whole idea of the holidays....still need to keep up. 

in the mean time i have to remember that I am loved no matter what I look like, feel like or act like. I just have to keep up that memory, its hard as the seasonal depression will set in and I have to find ways to work around it. but looking back on this beautiful flower will give me....hope.

Find something to give you hope and when you find it let me know so that I can keep feeling it with you...strength in numbers people.....