Dinnah at the Dinah

I finally have a chance to sit down and write!! I have been wanting too all week and yet never had any time to make it happen. Here I am on a Sunday afternoon watching Shane cook while the boys watch, helping Laura with homework (apparently she sucks at english) and Makayla is shredding cheese to go along with said dinner. 

See Lauras frustration??? I feel bad for her but she has had all of Spring Break to work on this paper AND we got an email from her teacher that she may fail English...so life is sucking pretty bad. 

Which brings me to my question of the day...what is going on in this life if everything sucks so much. I mean ya there are happy times. This week was the first Spring Break that I wasnt home most of the time with my children. It kind of pained my heart to not be able to be home with them. I wanted to go and play with them, have a good time with them. Do something with them....Alas I was at a full time job wondering what I was doing there and why I still had to work at it. So all week long I told the hubs how much I missed the kids and sort of complained about it. Saturday he surprised all of us with taking the whole family to dinner. Actually, it was lunch/dinner at a truck stop.....

PEOPLE if you have never been there you should go and eat there...it is DELICIOUS!! The best steak in Boise by far....hell its a truck stop...go and eat there. Plus very reasonable for a family of 7 and everyone had some form of steak. OH you need a pic you say????

Laura wanted french dip sandwich and it was good looking....They had so much fun. The best part (besides dessert) was a kid somewhere in the restaurant did the whistle from the Hunger Games...all of my kids then kissed their fingers and raised them high in solidarity!!! Haha, that kid laughed so hard. Made my day to have my crazy kids around and enjoy their company. Dessert is awesome also....

I know this is a super long post but it was a fun time. Go eat at the Stage Stop or go for dessert they make everything from scratch there and its like heaven (and reasonable). 

Moments like these make life fun, and let me know that I am doing alright as a mom. Somehow we have made some good progress. We have kids that want to be with us, laugh with us, love us...warms my heart. 

The terrible horrible day, ended in AWESOME

Today was a terrible horrible day. I am not sure this job is going to work out as well as i had originally planned but eh for now it will work. Getting yelled at for something I didnt do or have anything to do with is quite annoying. Listen folks, if you have a variable rate on anything look it over and call the company to get your rate changed. Dont yell at the customer service person on the other end. They can only do so much to help you. Its not their fault you are an idiot and cant watch your bills. Done with that rant...

As I got home I didnt want to go work out or do anything for that matter, but my hubs encouraged us to go for a walk. We piled the kids in the van and went down to a park close by to go for a walk. The day is glorious and lovely and it was a wonderful way to talk to him without any other noise. The kids took off with the dog and teased each other while the dog followed. It was so nice to have some time walking and talking out our family issues. It made me feel closer to him. Made me have a better connection with him. I think we have made a better connection over the last few months. It has been hard, both of us have struggled in our own ways and in the end have found a peace with each other that wasnt there before. Does this come with marriage? Does it come with the trials of life? Does it happen because we realize that we are in this for the haul, forEVER, together??? I am not sure but a certain peace has arrived and I am pretty happy to have it for right now.

Another thing I have done today is I actually created a workout program! I didnt think I could do it. I did though and it was awesome. Today we (my girlfriend, I have to think up a new word besides girlfriend sounds so stupid....i will work on that...and I) worked out hard and got some real work done on our bi/tri and shoulders. I am sure we will feel it tomorrow. I have to say that I had an AWESOME teacher who is one of the most amazing people I have ever met. I have decided that I want to be strong, like her. I want to be assertive (or more so) like her. I want to challenge myself like her. (Ok maybe not as challenging). I have to keep thinking of ways to become stronger and assertive like her. I want to find it in me to keep driving myself to loose the weight I want and be healthy, strong, and wear a smaller size. I want to get to a 14/16 and buy cute clothes. (a smaller bra wouldnt hurt either, along with a nice tummy tuck!) I want to be off medication. Strong enough to take my hubs down and to enjoy the rest of my life.

Oh these are lofty goals, of which, I have never made any in my life. Can I keep the goals that is the question. I am not sure. How do you keep goals, how do you find ways to motivate yourself to do better? Sure I am on a high now but how do I keep this? I am not sure. Somehow I have to find a way to channel that whatever it is and make it work.

I am glad I have found some sort of peace and some sort of strength in working out. I am even more glad for those who support me. I am so grateful to have someone to go with me and is willing to do what I ask her to do, its a challenge for me to be there for her and support her. I want to serve her the way I was served by someone (amazing) so we both can become strong. Strong in body and spirit.

I am certainly really lazy, ok laid back....so we shall see where this goes. For now my body feels good...but its going to get better.

Jacob

Is it weird to write more than one blog in a day? Not sure but I have a lot on my mind.

I have been thinking a lot about my siblings. As an aside, it would seem "sibling" is a Mormon word. I notice that we Mormons say it a ton. (Thanks Dorri for reminding me) I think its because we call each other brother and sister, sibling is just different.

Back to what I was thinking. This month begins the birthdays of my siblings. Jacob is first. My first memories of Jacob are of when he was a toddler and chubby. He was like a little cherub. He was happy, like he had a light in him that just shined to others. He was always happy, kind and super sweet. When mom got sick I think he took on way too much. He has a very tender, merciful, empathetic side which made him so lovable. Dont get me wrong he was still my gross little brother, annoying and disgusting most of the time.

When mom was sick she had a port thingy in her chest for medications. I seem to recall it was tubes. Jake would give her meds. He was so young like 7 years old. He would get her M&M's (her favorite) to make her feel better. After Mom was gone it was hard on him. I could see his soul go cold and sad. I think for all of us kids we were so sad. (that is a whole other story I am not sure I want to make public). Spending time with Jake and Mal after moms death actually made life a bit easier for me. They could smile and laugh but not in their eyes. It was like a piece of them was gone.

When I married Shane and I took Brenda back to Maine, I could see the light again in his eyes. It was like Jake had a reason to laugh again. A reason to stay away from the sorrow that surrounded him. He was a teen, then Shane and I moved back to Maine and my babies started arriving. Jacob was the one who would hold them and love them, tell them stories, play on the floor, or games with them. His tender heart was a joy to watch. But somewhere, somehow....something happened. (Again something I do not want to make public)

Choices were made that ended up with him having to serve time in prison. It has been a long haul. But my love for him has never diminished. We have gained a connection with him being away that I am so grateful for. I think in some way he has found some peace in his life. Hell of a way to find it but it seems that he has. Sure life will be different when he is out but I cant wait to be able to call him whenever I want. To talk to him when I am down and need some brother love. His outlook on life is different than mine and I love having his point of view.

Funny thing about him is that he knows just when to call me. I have been through a tough couple of months with a pretty severe depression going on, he would call when I was at my lowest. Why? Just to call me Mo and tell me he loves me. And to listen to me cry or ramble. Just to tell me everything is ok and that life is good. We dont get much time but it always seems to be longer than the 20 mins we have. As with all of my siblings, he is encouraging, loving, kind, understanding...everything I need to feel better.

I cannot wait until next year, Spring, when all of my brothers and sisters can be together and we can raise a glass to Malcolm, grieve, love, laugh, cry and hug each other. When we can all connect together. I can not wait to hug him and tell him how much I love him. I cant wait for him to start his life anew and get to know his nephews and nieces ( Eileens kids and my kids) and to have him love life again.

So Happy Birthday to my sweet kind and loving brother (on the 27th of March), I am grateful that you are on this earth. I love you, more than you know.

Really????

Working is not what its cracked up to be. I think the hours I work are ridiculous. 9-5.30...ok probably not but I want them to change to something where I can see my kids or just have a few minutes at the end of the day where I dont feel rushed in life. Maybe this week.....(maybe this takes some getting used too?)

I woke up this morning feeling like garbage and wondering why in the hell I felt like that. So I thought over the past few weeks and all that has been going on. I have decided I am tired and am going to lay in bed for a while and rest. I was supposed to go to the gym, someone was coming over and something else plus I work at BBB from 2-10....I cancelled everything and lay in bed. Did it help, you may wonder, not really now I just feel crappy. Whatever it was worth a try.

On another note which is totally not related to anything I have previously written....What is the deal with women, ladies, girls wearing leggings as pants? I dont get it. I have seen all kinds of shapes and forms which I personally think are unbearable to look at. Respecting ones self is important. Maybe this is a rant that will offend but eh its my blog so whatever. Leggings, especially black ones, when they do not fit will show alllllll of your lady parts and everyone can see them. I have my own lady parts and dont really care BUT I have 2 sons who apparently notice these things as they have commented to their dad about lady parts as of late. Mind you we have plenty of lady talk in this house. My poor boys know more about periods and such than they should, and they are ok with it...But I am not sure I actually want them to see lady parts, you know VIEW them through a pair of see through leggings. ( I like to call them not pants). I have no problem with you wearing them just wear a long shirt, or a skirt, or something....just saying.

This brings me to another topic about women. For those of you who dont know my religious tendencies I am a Latter-day Saint. Women do not have the priesthood in our church and most likely never will. I seem to be cool with that as its far too much work for me to want to do. I frankly dont want all that condemnation on my head. I got enough going on trying to be a mom and doing that right. But as General Conference time comes around there is a group of women who want there to be "equality" within the church in the form of going to the Priesthood session of Conference. Now I could care less to go as I have other things to do, and mostly men get a good reaming at that session. Something about being good upstanding men, upholding principals of the gospel, dont be a jerk, love your wives, be good dads and dont be asses. That sort of thing. I feel like its a good way to make men feel important. That their job is hard too. Men have a tough row to hoe in life. A balance that can be difficult made more difficult if emotional women were involved. We as women are nurturers. Love exudes from us to our children they know its there. For men (I know not all) but it is more of a challenge. A thing they have to be reminded about, to work on...dont get me wrong we as women need some serious work too....but the Priesthood meeting is a reminder that MEN are MEN and are just as amazing as women. HELL its a stinking 2 time a year meeting and a group of women feel they need to be involved. WHY? dont you already know your worth and value, that is all we talk about in the church. Let the men have a pep talk, they are fighting the battles for us as mothers, wives, daughters, sisters, friends, whatever you are. Its like they are in the huddle on the playing field and the coach is giving a pep talk....women just mess that up. (yes I made a sports analogy). It seems to me that those women say they are honoring the church with their voices but with their actions they are dishonoring the spirit of the law. ENOUGH....

For this reason I know in my home I am more valued to Shane than any other person on the earth. More than his mother, father....anyone. He and I have serious differences but in the end he values me enough to keep the promises we made when we got married. I have not been the best wife...I have my struggles which he has to deal with...but through all he has been there. Honoring his priesthood, his love of gospel, his children and the promises of our marriage. Why would I want to impede on his ability to perform his duty as a servant of God? Just as I am sure he feels the same about me. (OH he would not want to be pregnant) So this silly thought that I am the same as a man is just that silly. I am equal in our ability to be good parents, we are equal in our path of life, we have created and equality of life, love and happiness with both of us doing our part. I dont need priesthood to validate that I am amazing in the sight of God. I know deep down that I am, through my hubs and his love and respect of me. Sometimes its hard to find but I know it with all that I am. When it comes down too it, I am amazing, loved, important, and valid.

Music

So today i was wondering what makes life work the way it does. I am at a job i loathe with all of my soul and yet i am still learning something new. Mostly that i hate people and stupidity and the inane reasoning of idiots, other than that....well mostly that.

I came home and decided to fix my blog and mess with it a bit so I can follow some blogs and then allow some comments. Apparently settings are important and I neglected to fix some of them. Fear not those of you who wanted to comment you may now do so, I shall allow it. If you cant comment then I dont like you and tough...(not really just send me a message and I will figure it out, unless of course i really dont like you and that is another story)

As I sat outside today of the dank office i work at i tried to admire the beauty of the world. I plugged in my ear buds and turned on some noise that was not yelling.

This is what i saw and mind you I am behind a big box store of delight, and sitting on a bit of grass. I was listening too whatever random crap Brenda put on my phone and then came Allison Krauss and Union Station. I enjoy a bit of Bluegrass from time to time.(dont tell my dad I will lie and say I hate it )  Hmmm lets see if I can put in a link here: 

http://youtu.be/qBcCq-6KS24

Kind of was a nice song to listen too while i was sitting enjoying the beauty of the day. For those of you who know me music is pretty important to me. All types really. I have songs that remind me of people places and times. Times i dont care to remember but need too, people I am angry at but still love...well you get it. Got me to thinking what is it about music that makes me feel. I remember music from the time I was little. Everything from bluegrass to oldies to acid rock, highland music to choral to symphonic classics. It seems I have a song for everything. Each one of my children have a song related to their birth...Oh you want to know of course you do or else you wouldnt be reading this...sheesh you are a nosy crowd...Here is the list and a link:

Brenda: http://youtu.be/au74rR9lIYQ 

Makayla: http://youtu.be/cJpQIYw-yXM

Laura: http://youtu.be/A_VcTJwGZcw

John: http://youtu.be/H1W2UddURXI

Jakob: http://youtu.be/6xSGLZd9Vg4

There are stories behind the reasons for all of these but for now I will just leave them here...listen and enjoy. In any case still trying to figure out what the heck I am supposed to learn, in the mean time I am going to spend some extra time listening to some music, maybe expanding my repertoire, and just taking one step at a time. 

Somehow this blog and maybe a few nice comments from friends and family(hint hint) will help me through this journey which has had me in the depths of sorrow at times. Down so low that I feel I cannot get out. I know there is always an out, a way to find joy. Oh sure I know I have great people around me, and awesome family....BUT sometimes its hard to feel it when you are alone on a piece of grass outside a dank office with 20 mins of time before you have to reenter. So for a while I will depend on music in my ears find a new song every once in a while or download one I remember from a time long forgotten and read some comments on a silly blog and wonder what people think.  (OH i am always open to new song suggestions too)

Home is WHERE????

Home is WHERE???

So for the past few days I have been in a bit of a quandry....I have a full time job hours are 9-530 so I dont get home until 6. I dont see my kids much and am pretty tired when I get home.

Ok tired is a lie, I am pissy, really pissy. I really am not happy with this job, I am trying to find the positives in it but its hard.

The week started with an email from a girlfriend (sounds strange I dont really have "girlfriends") who I spend a good amount of time with and she is onto awesome endeavors which I know that she will be amazing at but it made me really REALLY sad. Dont get me wrong I know it was time to not spend so much time and she is amazing and I can only hope to be as great as she is someday. BUT I am selfish and want to have her to myself more. I know she is there for me whenever I need her...well enough of that

Next I had to go to work for this ridiculous job where I listen to people complain all day long, possibly yell at me in another language (and expect me to understand) while i try to make sense of what they need. Its all good just not where I visioned myself to be after my College career....I have to remember the Lord has His time (whether you believe in God or not I do so deal with my reasoning)....time sucks.

So I ended up coming home and crying for an hour and going to sleep at 7pm and waking at 4 am this morning. What changed today?? Did I read scriptures? NO Did I pray? kind of  Did I think good thoughts? NO I went about the day and hoped for relief from the bit of sorrow i was feeling then ....some where in the afternoon today I got a text from my kid telling me she loved me. That text helped me through the day. I realized at that point that I am working for my kiddos and i need to suck it up.

I also got a text from another girlfriend(there is that word again) that said she wanted to hang out a bit more...and so it is...I have another work out buddy so I dont feel lazy about going to the gym.

I also got a text from my sister Sarah telling me " get off your ass and get to the gym or be forever resigned to the fact that you will be fat" (or something like that) I LOVE that girl...she knows me well enough to tell me how it is and that its important for me to deal and suck it up. OH and she told me I can bitch to the masses through this blog....kind of excited about that!!

When I got home i found my family sitting watching a movie and enjoying the time together. Its a strange movie about what I have no idea, but there was a scene where an arm got cut off..wish I had a recorder going...priceless....

So home is WHERE?? its where I want it to be when I want it to be....When I am feeling sad, when I am feeling sorry for myself, when I am at my lowest a simple text is all I need sometimes to focus and bring back the feeling of HOME.

Beginning of the END

I have been contemplating for a long period of time the idea of a blog. Spoke to a few people and I got a resounding YES!!! Ok, I only spoke to like 2 people and they are pretty cool so this is what it is. 

So intro to what is on my mind. WAIT, brief intro to me....

I have 5 siblings, 3 brothers and 2 sisters...take that back one decided to not reside here on earth for the time being so he can suck it!! (I love Malcolm just a bit pissed at him) I also have 3 step siblings who are amazing people and I love them. They are great. 

I am married to a HUGE redneck guy...not fat...just very redneck. Somehow in our marital arrangement we have 5 children. 3 girls and 2 boys. I am thinking that the boys are the best at this point, maybe only because they are younger. 

So there is Brenda Renae, 18, senior in high school and I want her to move out but she wont. Apparently living here is good?! Not sure why that is but eh, she will leave sooner....sooner....

Then there is Makayla Jayne, 15, and not quite ready to move on with life so I have to keep her for a while.

Laura Danielle is now 14 and lovely as ever and today I can keep her other days probably not so much. She is a good girl just somewhat on the annoying side...akin to me I would say.

OH There are 2 boys who are pretty delightful...John Thomas, 11, and Jakob Joseph, 9...my little men

Jilly is in the picture with John. For some reason leaving out the dog seems wrong. She has been in our family for quite a few years. I think like 6 but someday that dog is going to take a ride on a short bus and not come home. I have a love hate with her, ok mostly hate but what do ya do just live.....

Finally Me and the Hubs....

As this is just the beginning of this blog we shall all hope it is not the end. I am known for being lazy so we shall see how long this goes on...I am willing to try but dont count on me for any awesome insights as I am  usually a punk and like to annoy....i will attempt to be just me...that is a feat in itself