Makayla is 17

Makayla turned 17 a bit ago. Her birthday is on the 19th of November. She is a great girl. I am not the greatest of mothers, I am not huggy or touchy feely, its a tough thing for me. I work very hard it but it is a weird thing for me. Makayla and I have been on a long hard road. She has had a not so easy life with a lot of illnesses and chronic issues. This year has been just as much of a problem as the last few. Her strength is amazing. She works very hard at her job. I am not surprised that she is so successful in all that she does as she works so hard. 

Every year on the childrens birthday we let them have what they want for a birthday dinner. Her choice this year was clam chowder BUT we found an awesome deal on ribs and so ribs it was. She was pretty excited. 

She also got a new pillow, something she has been wanting for a while. She is a well deserving girl.

We also did her hair. She does not ask for many things. She asks for me to color her hair and cut it. I try to do the best I can for her. I wish I could give her more.

 There is a special young man out there who someday will give her everything her heart desires. She is treasuring herself, waiting for that man, working hard. She is discovering herself. Finding the talents that make her amazing.

She is a mechanic at heart and can work on a car like no bodies business. She deals with constant illness, eczema (sometimes very painful on her hands), tired from working late nights getting up and going to school. She gets really good grades, this is a struggle in itself. 

Makayla has been thrown the trials of the world and yet she overcomes with joy and happiness. She is generally always happy and makes everyone around her happy. She loves people even when they do her wrong or treat her badly. She defends her family to the ends of the earth. She is an amazing girl I cannot say enough about her. She makes me smile. Through all, I cannot imagine having a more wonderful daughter. I love you girl, (i would include your nicknames but not allowed!) 

Young women who are Excellent

As most of you know i have a responsibility of working with Young Women in my church calling. I am the president over about 25 young women. Some care about church some dont some come when they can and some are just there. They are a good group of girls. They all have different quirks and have different challenges to work on. I do not envy them and the challenges they have in their lives. I have a few who are from broken homes, some who have very dysfunctional families, some who have the most supportive families. It is a difficult thing to wrangle all of them sometimes but they all have a genuine love for each other. They have different points of view but generally they find ways to support.

All that being said being called as the YW president entails so much work that i personally dont like doing. Next year i have to plan a Trek (this is where the youth re enact pioneer experiences by using handcarts, dressing in pioneer garb etc) for 3 days.Which we have to do a fund raise for...its expensive. Then I have to plan Girls Camp, I do have a Camp leader to do most of the work but we have to earn a good majority of the money for it. Also i have to plan a Stake Dance in February which is some more money out of a budget that is limited. As well as doing other activities with our girls during the year. I work hard to make sure we have a good time but be wise with our money.

The girls do what is called Personal Progress. We have a list of values they all work on. Faith, Divine Nature, Individual Worth, Knowledge, Choice and Accountability, Good Works, Integrity, Virtue. They work on these and get passed off as they finish projects within those values. At the end of the year we try to look back on what they have accomplished. My goal is to teach these girls to be great leaders and awesome women who can not only be great mothers but rely on themselves for what they need. Education is important, its important to be able to take care of themselves. I had 2 girls that wanted to set up our Young Women in Excellence. They did a great job and the other girls brought in their projects to show how awesome they are.

Here are photos of our values. They all have a color associated with them. The girls get lovely book marks with ribbons the color of their values. 

This table was our scripture of this year Doctrine and Covenants 4:2  O ye that embark in the service of God, see that ye serve him with all your heart, might, mind and strength, that ye may stand blameless before God at the last day.

 There is also a reminder that they are a child of God and loved.

One of my girls took the time to make all of these lovely decorations, her thought is that we are princesses in Gods eyes. We can use our values to be a daughter of God and be loved as such. The more we love ourselves, the more we have value. 

They did such a great job. We did this on a night when the church was open to visitors and they had to talk about what YW meant to them. I was so proud of them. I am amazed at how wonderful these girls are. From all walks of life they take the love of God and show it in everyday life. 

maybe i have some influence but they are doing the work....those girls are amazing. 

Peanut butter, Loved, Blacklist

Things have been so busy in our lives, keeping a blog going is hard. I have to really make time to sit down and get my mind together. It has been a while so this one may be long. Get ready....it may be a fun ride, may not...

Sometimes Laura lets me take photos of her drawings. Our ward has sent out paper to have the kids draw what they think Christmas is to them. Laura is really talented, she doesnt believe that she is but obviously she has a creative streak....

So i randomly made a post on FaceBook about us not having any
peanut butter. We had run out and had been out of it for a few weeks. We
had to wait until the next pay day...you know normal shopping stuff. Plus
we are so busy that getting to the store is sometimes impossible.
I went to work the next day and there was the first of our peanut butter, then in the inter office mail 2 more, then that night a mysterious drop off, the next night another drop off...and low and behold in the mail comes 2 more. Love the fact that we have such wonderful people who think so much of us. To my Target friend whom i havent spoken to in years and years...my children think you are a Target Goddess!!! Needless to say we are set for a bit....


I got sick a week ago. We had a few of the kids sick and it was a rough few days. John and Makayla had a pretty good ear infection and sore throats along with no voice. I got really tired and worn out, finally laryngitis hit me. My sweet friend got me a cup from her desk and someone else got me some tea (raspberry tea my new fav) along with some chamomile. This is what my desk looked like. Yes that photo of my kiddos is on my desk everyday. It makes me work harder, quicker because i know i do things for them. They are good kiddos. I am glad they put enough faith in me to allow me to go to work and work long days. Then come home and do Young Womens...as well as Visiting Teaching. Those kids are so supportive of me, they are kind, loving and some of the best humans i could ever ask to have in my life. Sometimes i cannot believe that I, I, have such great kids. They love me with all they are. I love them back.

Another thing, see this photo? Its lovely isnt it? I am NOT crafty in any way shape or form. I can barely dress myself and make things look decent. I had a friend at work who is crafty, i say had, because she moved on to another job. I thought she captured me very well. I am not glitter, sparkles or even bright colors. But i know that i am loved...Loved by many, it has shown more and more in the last few weeks. I have needed that love to show. I will remember her every time i look at my M. It is a loving gift...

I have another friend at work, whom i will call Mommy, (she has a similar nick name for me), She often takes the time to come by my desk and just pat my back and tell me she misses me and is thinking of me. She rubs my back and gives me support. I am not usually one for touchy stuff but somehow from her its ok. She understands me...i love her. 

 My aunt Iris sends me lovely cards every year. This year I was delighted to have a package from her. I love that she thinks of us. She is so kind. One of my regrets is that i do not know my mothers family. Here i am 43 and I wonder everyday what they are like Who are they? I know most of them read this blog and I am sure they wonder about us as well. A big reason I started writing this blog was so my mums family could have a little glimpse at our family. I know sometimes i write about me, but i try to include a lot of things about my children for my family.

This year she sent me a lovely calendar of Scotland. The kids wanted to see their birthday months, I think all kids do. They were happy to see how wonderful the photos were from a place they have only heard about. I can not decide now if i want it at work or at home. I would love to look at the photos everyday.




She also sent me a beautiful card with a request (again) to come visit. My daughters and I want to go and visit but it is going to take a bit of organizing. The cost of plane tickets is outrageous. But then again i dont fly that much. We shall see what the next year brings. I love the cards she sends. i have most all of them saved somewhere in my mass of stuff. Someday i will go through it all and find them and put them together.



Finally there is a show on Netflix i love love LOVE...it keeps me engaged. It has a great story line, i just wish there were more seasons. I have always loved James Spader as an actor, he is amazing. This show is great. If you are looking for something to watch take a few mins to watch it. My kids are watching it with me. Netflix has been a good thing for our house. We are trying to keep the garbage of naked women, soft porn commercials out of our house. It has been great to have Netflix.



It has been a long few weeks and I am grateful that our family is thought of. I am more grateful that I am loved. Loved is a nice feeling. I hope i return that to others. I am not sure that i am good at returning. I guess it is another thing i will have to work on.

Anxiety, Kids, Happiness

My kids make me laugh, all of the time. Through all that we have been through as a family they make me smile. Over the past few weeks it has been difficult for me to be cheery or even awake. When i get really down i will sleep a lot. Sometimes i combat that by asking my children really silly questions. Then i get silly answers.

On another note right at the moment i am typing this my John is smiling at me and raising each eyebrow separately to the beat of the music that is on. He started reading 1984 by George Orwell. The boy is so stinking smart I worry about him. He is so much like his sister Brenda it surprises me. He has surprised me lately with how intelligent he is. He makes us laugh with his funny faces and all of the nick names he has made for all of us. Love him, at one time i tried to not love him too much for fear i would loose him...but he is my boy.

Jake has been reading the Bible with me at night when we arent too tired. We got through Corinthians and learned quite a bit. He decided he wanted to read Job so over we went. Job had a tough go of things and Jake was so sad for him. It is interesting to see the impact that reading has on him. Reading scriptures is important to him. He will come up with questions and we write them down. There is a man in our ward who can answer almost any question Jake takes to him. It is inspiring to me that he can look into the reading and find questions that i would not think of. Like was Peter married, where is is family? Why was Paul stuck in the place he was? Why was Job so sure God still loved him? How much gold did Job have? What is a cistern? What do they do with them? Do the Roman guards really hate Jews?....the questions go on and on. i dont know what the boy will do when the brother in the ward is gone. I am so thankful that the brother will sit and answer any questions this 11 year old boy has for him. I am constantly amazed by Jakes compassion for the apostles of old, for Job for anyone around. His compassion is right on his sleeve. When i am sad he is the one to hug me love me and tell me the things to be happy for.

I am afraid i make it sound like I am sad all of the time. I am not, just lately. For some reason I feel compelled to write about it. To say how much i miss my mother and wish i could just have one more discussion with her. To tell my brother Malcolm how much i miss him and wished nothing but greatness for him. To try to make it through the holidays with positive energy. All of these reasons and more make it that much harder to make it through the last few months of the year. I see my siblings and am so grateful that my oldest brother has found happiness with a beautiful woman. My sister has found solace in her children and amazing husband even though they miss their baby who will remain forever their baby. To my other brother who is finding his way in life again after a detour and my other sister who is determined to be healthy and strong. I find joy in being a part of their lives.

I watch my girls, they have their personal struggles but I am a big part of their happiness. My oldest who struggles with anxiety as much as i do (maybe more) and yet she is a student and manager at her job. Working and waiting for the moment her love can take her in his arms again. My heart breaks for her but at the same time the joy she will feel when he comes for her will be more then she can stand. She is amazing and wonderful even with all of her anal quirks. My 2nd oldest who deals with constant illness looming in her head, ears and throat and yet she has found peace in auto work and a job that gives her money. She takes each step daily to become more and more wonderful. She has to be reminded to take care of herself because she does not think about what she needs. I am in awe of her ability to give, it would hurt me to give that much but she gives. My third who has become the wonder of our house. I can leave on a day when there is no school and that girl can make sure i have dinner when i get home and lunch packed for the next day. She has a compassion that is never ending. Her kindness sometimes to a fault can break her down, but she is strong and wonderful (with the best hair i have ever seen)

I would be remiss if i didnt say a few words about my hubs. He is wonderful, kind and amazing. I am so grateful he loves me. I cannot write more as it is to private...just know i love him

So I am not sad all of the time. I see the joys and pleasures of life, just sometimes with depression it is hard to find. I am glad i wrote them down so now i know, can see how glorious my family is. How about your days when you are so down you cant take another step what do you think of???

Flowers and Anxiety

I have been off the blog for a bit. My computer about 2 weeks ago decided that it no longer wanted to work. Actually the fan in it wen out and it needed a new one. So i looked it up on YouTube and discovered that low and behold i could probably do it myself.

So i went on an adventure and found the right fan ordered it and waited. At the same time I went to the IT guy at work and explained my situation...he said no worries you are smart you got this. The fan finally came and Shane took over. Now remember he is not one for small things his hands are rough and used to doing hard work. Somehow we followed the video and voila the fan appeared we cleaned everything out and put it back together. Now we had 4 small screws left so, there is that....but all seems to be working fine and my puter is in working order again. Who knew we were this amazing? I certainly didnt.

Last week at work was really a difficult week for me. After i posted my blog about myself and my struggles, I was surprised at the many comments and conversations I had about Anxiety/Depression. 

You are probably wondering what these flower photos are for?? There is a nurse at work she is very kind, I didnt know her very well. I have an advantage of where my cubical is at work. My cubbie is virtually out in the open and everyone who walks by me can see me. Most everyone also stops to talk to me. I can hear people walking up behind me all the time, now if they come from the other directions i cant hear them. In any case we have had an influx of new people in the office, one particular woman surprised me the other day but bringing me flowers. She commented that she too struggles and appreciated that i would be so open. I dont know much about her but the little i do know, i am fascinated by her ability to overcome and be positive with all that is happening in her life. Dont get me wrong i have told her to quit whining and put on her big girl panties...and she does the same to me. 

My boss at work told me that people are drawn to me, that i have a magnetism that draws people to me. I have thought a lot about that, i wonder if its really true. I often say the wrong things, i do the wrong things, i am not perfect or sometimes even on that track. I wonder why people get to know me. This particular person who brought me flowers somehow got to know me and i still havent figured it out. I wonder if it is a good thing to have people drawn to you?

Last week was one of the hardest weeks i have had in a long time To make matters worse the whole company was celebrating Halloween. Our area was surrounded in blue, which i found is a trigger color for me. It makes me feel depressed and sad. They also covered all of the windows. Then we had to have a group photo. I had a terrible anxiety attack during the photo. It has been a ton of years since i have had an anxiety attack. It was horrible, i couldnt breathe, stand up straight, or even move. My sweet friend noticed a problem and stood beside me and put her arm around me and calmed me. It was so nice to have someone whom I could lean on when i could not be strong enough. I dont generally like people to hug me or touch me but for her anytime...

Here i am a few days later feeling better and knowing that I am ok. That life is a tough thing. I have a lot of things going on in my life. Church and work including each child i have who has different things going on and need my attention. Sleep sometimes is hard to come by and i have to struggle to keep myself afloat. I will work on it, keep working on it. Sometimes i wish i had more time to be by myself but I am learning to balance. Balance is hard. How do you balance and still keep yourself moving forward.

I am glad that i have an ability to attract good and have people be happy around me. I am glad that through my struggles people can see kindness in me. That there are wonderful people who are there for me when i cannot take one more breath or step. Thanks people for being there, thanks.