Anxiety, Kids, Happiness

My kids make me laugh, all of the time. Through all that we have been through as a family they make me smile. Over the past few weeks it has been difficult for me to be cheery or even awake. When i get really down i will sleep a lot. Sometimes i combat that by asking my children really silly questions. Then i get silly answers.

On another note right at the moment i am typing this my John is smiling at me and raising each eyebrow separately to the beat of the music that is on. He started reading 1984 by George Orwell. The boy is so stinking smart I worry about him. He is so much like his sister Brenda it surprises me. He has surprised me lately with how intelligent he is. He makes us laugh with his funny faces and all of the nick names he has made for all of us. Love him, at one time i tried to not love him too much for fear i would loose him...but he is my boy.

Jake has been reading the Bible with me at night when we arent too tired. We got through Corinthians and learned quite a bit. He decided he wanted to read Job so over we went. Job had a tough go of things and Jake was so sad for him. It is interesting to see the impact that reading has on him. Reading scriptures is important to him. He will come up with questions and we write them down. There is a man in our ward who can answer almost any question Jake takes to him. It is inspiring to me that he can look into the reading and find questions that i would not think of. Like was Peter married, where is is family? Why was Paul stuck in the place he was? Why was Job so sure God still loved him? How much gold did Job have? What is a cistern? What do they do with them? Do the Roman guards really hate Jews?....the questions go on and on. i dont know what the boy will do when the brother in the ward is gone. I am so thankful that the brother will sit and answer any questions this 11 year old boy has for him. I am constantly amazed by Jakes compassion for the apostles of old, for Job for anyone around. His compassion is right on his sleeve. When i am sad he is the one to hug me love me and tell me the things to be happy for.

I am afraid i make it sound like I am sad all of the time. I am not, just lately. For some reason I feel compelled to write about it. To say how much i miss my mother and wish i could just have one more discussion with her. To tell my brother Malcolm how much i miss him and wished nothing but greatness for him. To try to make it through the holidays with positive energy. All of these reasons and more make it that much harder to make it through the last few months of the year. I see my siblings and am so grateful that my oldest brother has found happiness with a beautiful woman. My sister has found solace in her children and amazing husband even though they miss their baby who will remain forever their baby. To my other brother who is finding his way in life again after a detour and my other sister who is determined to be healthy and strong. I find joy in being a part of their lives.

I watch my girls, they have their personal struggles but I am a big part of their happiness. My oldest who struggles with anxiety as much as i do (maybe more) and yet she is a student and manager at her job. Working and waiting for the moment her love can take her in his arms again. My heart breaks for her but at the same time the joy she will feel when he comes for her will be more then she can stand. She is amazing and wonderful even with all of her anal quirks. My 2nd oldest who deals with constant illness looming in her head, ears and throat and yet she has found peace in auto work and a job that gives her money. She takes each step daily to become more and more wonderful. She has to be reminded to take care of herself because she does not think about what she needs. I am in awe of her ability to give, it would hurt me to give that much but she gives. My third who has become the wonder of our house. I can leave on a day when there is no school and that girl can make sure i have dinner when i get home and lunch packed for the next day. She has a compassion that is never ending. Her kindness sometimes to a fault can break her down, but she is strong and wonderful (with the best hair i have ever seen)

I would be remiss if i didnt say a few words about my hubs. He is wonderful, kind and amazing. I am so grateful he loves me. I cannot write more as it is to private...just know i love him

So I am not sad all of the time. I see the joys and pleasures of life, just sometimes with depression it is hard to find. I am glad i wrote them down so now i know, can see how glorious my family is. How about your days when you are so down you cant take another step what do you think of???