Flowers and Anxiety

I have been off the blog for a bit. My computer about 2 weeks ago decided that it no longer wanted to work. Actually the fan in it wen out and it needed a new one. So i looked it up on YouTube and discovered that low and behold i could probably do it myself.

So i went on an adventure and found the right fan ordered it and waited. At the same time I went to the IT guy at work and explained my situation...he said no worries you are smart you got this. The fan finally came and Shane took over. Now remember he is not one for small things his hands are rough and used to doing hard work. Somehow we followed the video and voila the fan appeared we cleaned everything out and put it back together. Now we had 4 small screws left so, there is that....but all seems to be working fine and my puter is in working order again. Who knew we were this amazing? I certainly didnt.

Last week at work was really a difficult week for me. After i posted my blog about myself and my struggles, I was surprised at the many comments and conversations I had about Anxiety/Depression. 

You are probably wondering what these flower photos are for?? There is a nurse at work she is very kind, I didnt know her very well. I have an advantage of where my cubical is at work. My cubbie is virtually out in the open and everyone who walks by me can see me. Most everyone also stops to talk to me. I can hear people walking up behind me all the time, now if they come from the other directions i cant hear them. In any case we have had an influx of new people in the office, one particular woman surprised me the other day but bringing me flowers. She commented that she too struggles and appreciated that i would be so open. I dont know much about her but the little i do know, i am fascinated by her ability to overcome and be positive with all that is happening in her life. Dont get me wrong i have told her to quit whining and put on her big girl panties...and she does the same to me. 

My boss at work told me that people are drawn to me, that i have a magnetism that draws people to me. I have thought a lot about that, i wonder if its really true. I often say the wrong things, i do the wrong things, i am not perfect or sometimes even on that track. I wonder why people get to know me. This particular person who brought me flowers somehow got to know me and i still havent figured it out. I wonder if it is a good thing to have people drawn to you?

Last week was one of the hardest weeks i have had in a long time To make matters worse the whole company was celebrating Halloween. Our area was surrounded in blue, which i found is a trigger color for me. It makes me feel depressed and sad. They also covered all of the windows. Then we had to have a group photo. I had a terrible anxiety attack during the photo. It has been a ton of years since i have had an anxiety attack. It was horrible, i couldnt breathe, stand up straight, or even move. My sweet friend noticed a problem and stood beside me and put her arm around me and calmed me. It was so nice to have someone whom I could lean on when i could not be strong enough. I dont generally like people to hug me or touch me but for her anytime...

Here i am a few days later feeling better and knowing that I am ok. That life is a tough thing. I have a lot of things going on in my life. Church and work including each child i have who has different things going on and need my attention. Sleep sometimes is hard to come by and i have to struggle to keep myself afloat. I will work on it, keep working on it. Sometimes i wish i had more time to be by myself but I am learning to balance. Balance is hard. How do you balance and still keep yourself moving forward.

I am glad that i have an ability to attract good and have people be happy around me. I am glad that through my struggles people can see kindness in me. That there are wonderful people who are there for me when i cannot take one more breath or step. Thanks people for being there, thanks.