Greatness of women, Pocket knife

I was thinking today about how much anxiety i get by being in crowds of people. I think I have learned how to mask the craziness i feel from it but sometimes it is more than i can take. I realized today that I am not the only one. I have some great friends who completely understand my anxiousness and do not make me move when i cannot. It is nice to sometimes have someone to talk to when i am in those moments. Shout out to my sweet church ladies who told me to be still and not worry about it. 

Funny i found myself just a while later talking to one of my daughters about the same thing. She is thinking about her life and where she wants to be...that is scary the thoughts racing through her mind are overwhelming. I get it. I was thinking back to when i decided to have children. It was a tough thing for me. Well not too hard to get pregnant apparently there is NOT a problem with that, but just the thought process of having any children was hard. I knew I was not going to be that great at it and would have to work really hard at becoming a good parent. I said this to my girl, mothering is hard but if you live close you can have a lot of support. Even so the beauty of the LDS Church is that sometimes support is built in. Sometimes it is not. Reality is that you make your own family group that helps you when you need it. YOU find what is needed when you cannot take one more step, or dont have enough sleep or your spouse isnt home. 

At church today we talked about the greatness of women. How we contribute to so much more than we think. One quote that got me was this one: We need women who know how to make important things happen by their faith and who are courageous defenders of morality and families...women with the gift of discernment who can view the trends of the world and detect those that..are shallow or dangerous. (this is 2 quotes combined but hey its my blog right?) The particular man giving this talk is one of the top heart surgeons in the world. He spoke about how his wife is the one who encouraged him to keep going when he had lost 3 children from one family to a heart malformation he could not correct. We as women are amazing creatures. 

My husband has told me from day one how wonderful i am, how beautiful i am...no matter my size (which at this point is not great) no matter how pregnant, or sick, or happy...DOES NOT matter....He came home the other day to tell me he had spoken to a friend whom i really respect and she admonished Shane to really work on teaching me to love myself more. He told her he has done that since forever, but i never believe it. Little does he know that i do, I know my worth to him is great. I am important. I am still working on it everyday little by little, it takes time. 

I have been working really hard to make sure my kids feel the same way about themselves. Our way is not conventional by any means but it works. I try to tell the kids all the time to keep going. Sometimes you just need a bit of courage to do it and sometimes just a kick in the pants. Either way finding yourself worth is important and being a mother has taught me to work harder at it.

On a much different note our house is always full of things going on. I noticed the other day how John is being a punk. I think its the 13 year old boy in him but he has a good dad who will work on it with him. He is now working on his Eagle Scout project. He is achieving so much with all that he is doing. I will write more about it when we get things more under control. Jake is worried about Brenda leaving and not being around as much they are buddies. She has made great efforts to make it be an easy transition for him, but it is still hard. Jake really likes Skyler...he even had a pocket knife today just like Skylers

See the  pocket where the knife is attached. Skyler has one like that all of the time. Makes me chuckle but he really likes Skyler and its a sure sign that everything is going to be ok. Laura has a job for the summer which is great. She is working at a Sno-cone shack my sweet friend runs. I am glad that she has that chance to work with the public. My friend is so kind to work with Laura. Laura loves it and really wants to earn money. She isnt a fast food girl. She is doing wonders. I am grateful for her reaching beyond what makes her very uncomfortable to try and find a balance. 

Wedding in 2 weeks and that will be exciting...photos to come on that.....think about you though, what about you, how are you doing? If you are reading this think about what is important and what makes you who you are and how to do you overcome the tough stuff....

Smashburger, Running, Relaxing

A girlfriend at work and I are moms. We had lunch on Friday that was absolutely Smashing!!! It was SmashBurger. I had never been there before, she brought me a burger and oh my goodness...deliciousness and heaven in my mouth. I owe her some money and/or a lunch....We were talking and then made that funny chomping noise that all moms do with their babies, we looked at each other and laughed. Her little one is a girl and so precious. She is an amazing mother, wife and coworker. Over the last 6 months or so she has been a super support to me. She can tell when I am down, she can see through my struggles. I am so grateful to have her in my path. Its like we have met on a trail in the woods and are just navigating together. We have complained to each other about everything at one point or another. We have supported each other in all things. We have a lot of similarities. I cannot say enough about her. Its a strange thing when you meet someone who is almost like exactly like you AND you like them. I know that i can be myself with her. Every time we see each other it is like we had never been apart. We just pick up where we left off. Moral to this story if you are ever in Boise go to this place...its heaven in your mouth

 

I thought i would be more saddened by leaving Ameriben but I have discovered I am not. I am feeling so much peace in my life right now. We are making the best decision for our family. I think with all the excitement of  Brendas wedding, life is not really chaotic. There is a sense of peace that is flowing through, its nice. I havent felt this peace in a while...a long while.

John, Jake and Laura have been running lately. I think my boys have found girls. This is sort of funny to me. I knew it would come but there are a few girls at school who like both boys. It has created a sort of competition between them that has created quite a bit of laughter in our house. I am  really glad they are doing that. I have heard the boys talk about taking weight lifting class at school. That is really great. They are chubby and need to loose some weight, as I do. This year is the year. I went a bought them new clothes for the wedding and they are nice. I am interested to see what happens.

Tonight we are watching the new Star Wars movie. Sammies and chips...its a nice night to just relax. I am glad we can do that. I am more excited we have a home to be in. 

Bed, Tents, Kid Trials

Sometimes i come home and there are random surprises at my house. Sometimes when i have had a particularly rough time Shane does something that takes my breath away. I am not good at showing those kinds of feelings, especially when i am surprised. I came home the other day after my shots and i was feeling crappy to this

That my friends is a King sized bed. I am so happy. 2 years ago i had one and I loved it the kids climb on and just hang out when we are doing scriptures or whatever. I really loved it. Then we had to leave the bed in the house where all of the mold was. That was so sad for me. We had found another bed on Craigs List and it has served it purpose but it was too soft....WAY too SOFT...

We have slept on this bed for 2 nights and my back is screaming but its probably because it has been on a soft bed for so long...This bed is firm and really nice. I am glad really glad. Now have to get some sheets for it. 

In other news today and yesterday was General Conference in other words 2 days of nothing but TV and blankets. It was nice, really nice to have some good enlightenment in the house. It was more fun to have the kids want to write down what they are learning. I am grateful they are learning and loving to hear from our leaders. Whether they stay in the church or not, I am glad they are learning good habits of notations and study. 

They were pretty tired today. The boys slept in this tent last night 

Jake has been trying to work on his merit badges for scouts. He and John are doing a great job. John is going to be an Eagle by the end of the year or hopefully by his birthday. Jake by next year. It makes me sad that they work so hard but yet are made fun of because they work so hard. 

There has been quite a bit of bullying going on with our kids. Its something we have kept in our home and are working on as parents with our children. Our girls have created good goals for their lives and are achieving them, other girls are really mean. You would think there would be some solace somewhere, that somewhere is home. I am sad that i cannot protect them all of the time. I think the more open we as parents are the stronger they are at being able to defend themselves. I try to tell them all of the time they are more than what they go through. Life is full of trials, full of people who dont like you, full of general sucky-ness that we all have to deal with. But they can overcome the hardness of others. Afflictions are hard, never fair and never just what was supposed to happen. We will keep working on it. I love my kids, they are pretty great. Each one is growing and becoming wonderful. I am so grateful for the ones who do guide and lead my children. I am grateful they have each other to hold on too...that makes my heart full.

Easter, Messiah

Sometimes i sit in church and try really really hard to feel. Sometimes it happens sometimes not. It is a hard thing to feel. I have found in my life wonderful friends who have taught me the depth of feeling.

I depend on the Lord a lot to guide me through life. I am always working on my closeness with Him. It is a hard task. I find myself lost often when i should really be focusing on me. Not sure what kind of sense that makes but most of you who know me will get it. 

Today is Easter. I have done something different this year...there is no candy in our house. Oh worry not i have not deprived them it will come tomorrow (half off you know). Mostly though i really wanted to focus on Christ. Christ should be the center of our family today.

We have a wonderful opportunity to go see a production of Handels Messiah today. I am excited. I am going with a couple of the kids. It will be the first time i have ever seen it straight through. Sometimes when i am really down i listen to the Hallelujah Chorus to bring my spirit up.

For some Easter is just another day. For me its a  symbol of rebirth. Of joy in Gods creations, of finding myself again, of focusing on the things that really matter. I know many who have no religion and still do all of the things i try to do. My sister is a prime example to me. She takes the time to run, hike, be a mother, a campaigner, a support for her community. She is someone i want to be like. I know she has had her trials and probably still does, but i am grateful for her example. 

You know all of my siblings have been examples to my children of the beauty of the world. Even though none of them go to church they have never been rude to me about our choice to raise our children that way. If anything they have encouraged my children to depend on their faith to make it through the hard times. I am so blessed to have all of my siblings in my life. My sisters, all of them, have taught my girls to be strong women, and grow to become fabulous people in the world. My brothers have taken time to show example as well. Being good fathers, brothers and people. I am truly blessed in this time of my life. 

Just need to work on the ability to express those feels.....

Old Work, New Work

I have been out of sorts for the last while. I have so many things i want to write but so often i dont write because i know i will write things which are not nice. Finally today I dont feel so...grumpy, whatever it is...

A few weeks ago I received an opportunity which would benefit my family in a great way. Ever since i graduated from college my goal was to to work within a business that would guide me to HR. I thought if i worked hard enough at my current employer i would be able to get there pretty quickly. I signed on with the hopes of moving around in the company. I am a pretty smart person, it has taken me a long time to figure that out. When i transferred to the intake position i was grateful to have more experience. I have learned so much in that position. Unfortunately, i am not sure that my worth was valued as much as it could have been. Ameriben is a great company. I just felt like i wasnt moving the way i wanted. Having an HR degree does not matter, or any degree. Before you ask I tried to move t other parts of the company but did not have the longevity desired. It is odd when longevity is not a way to get around in the company...something i was told over and over.

I am not angry at Ameriben, I am frustrated that it doesnt work for me. The worst thing about Ameriben is that I wanted to give my notice in a cordial way but instead felt like i couldnt. That was stinky. I was called into an office under the guise of "getting to know you"and then asked about a rumor that i had another job. That frustrated me and made me sad. I thought i signed up for a company that would not go on rumors.  I did give my notice in person and in writing and received nice comments back. Its ok...i am moving forward.

I will miss my team. They are some of the best ladies i have ever worked with. Not very often can i be myself and still teach others the things i know. I have had a great time helping them along their paths.I have learned how to get along with people i may not like, some i really, really enjoy and some that dont like me. I have gained a sense of reassurance in who i am of who i can become if i keep working hard. I have learned how to use my brain to work to my advantage. I am more tolerant of others, more exact in the things i do and how i do them. I am becoming....wonderful. For that i can thank Ameriben.

I got another job at another company where i will start in the billing department and be challenged. I have sat at my job for the last 3 months bored out of my head. So bored i come home exhausted from being bored. I have to say my lead is awesome and has tried to work with me to give me things to do so I am not so bored. It has been a tough road for her to have me on board. The interviews i did for this job were great and went very well. I am thrilled they were willing to see my excitement. I am grateful that i was chosen to be a part of the team. I know some of this is excitement on a new job, but some of it is the chance to be challenged and to have a change.

So my last day working at Ameriben on April 15 and start at St Alphonsus on April 18. I am grateful to people who think of me. I often am surprised that people think so much of me. Enough to throw me the opportunities. This is not the only opportunity that has been offered to me but it is the only one I have taken.

All that being said i had to have a flu shot, the first one ever in my life AND a DTaP shot. today i would really rather just lay in bed and die. It has been a Tyelnol/Ibuprofen day.  DTaP is not fun, oh and blood work to see if i have TB lounging around and see if i take any drugs (heres to hoping that I pass that one) I dont think i have ever had my immunization records so the exciting part is that i now i do. The insurance is cheaper and WAY better, and there is much more encouragement to have comfort at your desk. So that will be helpful to my back. maybe now i can get back to the gm and get working on myself. One of my goals for the year is to put more focus on me. Of course getting through a wedding first!!

My family is just as excited about the change as well. They see new life in me and that is a good thing. I am hopefully on my way to working hard and well enough so Shane doesnt have too work anymore. Or only if he wants too.

Of course he wont want too..that is why i love him....