Down, UP, Love

This week has been unusually difficult for me. I am actually quite surprised by my emotional state. I am not sure how it started or even what triggered it but eh...it is what it is. I got a wonderful call from my sister in law on Sunday. Surprisingly it was during church. I heard my phone ring and realized it was her. In my phone she is  AMY B F....whenever i see it it makes me smile just a little bit. I am honestly surprised that she takes the time to talk to me and get to know me. She is so out of my league, she is everything i would want to be from what i know. But our discussion on Sunday made her more real to me. She asked me honest questions and i tried to give really honest and sincere answers to her about what she is up against. It is interesting that we struggle with some of the same issues.

Isnt it interesting that we as a human race, struggle with the same things but we are not aware? Until we finally come into contact with someone and find some common ground. Amy is someone i would have never met or associated with, but the more we chat with each other the more we find support. We have very wide and varied differences but i enjoy finding common ground with her, other than her husband (my brother).

Sometimes families have things that are not discussed out side of our home until the right time. As of right now there are a few things I am not going to bring up, for the sake of this post, know there are some similarities within our families which Amy and I were discussing. I felt that she really took the time to understand me. She was so considerate of my feelings and what the future would bring for our family and how it affects her and Darryll. (dont worry this will all make sense in a while, just not yet...get off my back and dont get in a tizzy i will let you know)It was a wonderful conversation but at the same time I think some sadness overtook me. The main reason for her call was to see if i was making it through the day well, it was the anniversary of my mothers death.

This lovely lady on the left is my mum when she was much much younger....possibly in her teens I believe. 

Since Sunday i have been working hard on keeping my head above water so to speak. I am glad Christmas is here. My kiddos are all going to be here on Christmas Eve and it will be a good time. I am going to take some good  photos....This week i have talked a lot to Shane about how I am feeling and he has been so kind and understanding. I found a wonderful new friend at work whom has taken the time to really get to know me. She takes me as I am and understands when i swear, but encourages me to be a good person as well.....here are some parts of a note she wrote me over our messaging system at work. 

"By the way...on the softer side, more sensitive side of things...yep, I'm going to lay ti on thick because everyone who is a friend with me knows I'm the mushy one! But, Thank you for sharing with me that you miss your mom, because I was with my mom this past weekend...my mom kind of drove me crazy, she tries hard, but still....I know she loves me. So hearing you say you miss your mom, made me realize I need to stop being a brat and be more grateful. Two...Please let me say how sorry I am that you have to miss your mom and that she's not here with you now and that you've had to go so many years without her. I can't imagine that. So from a friend to a friend, I'm giving you a big hug. Life throws rocks in places that are tough to recover from and will always hurt, but thank goodness there are soft places to fall when you need the comfort. I know you hate the mushy...but you're getting it anyway!....thanks for putting so many smiles on my face on days that you didnt realize I really needed someone to make ME smile..."

This sweet lady will have no idea how much this means to me. She is amazing. Today when i got up i didnt think i couldnt make it through the day, seeing her smile and tell me i am ok made me better than i thought. I found that she could listen to me, i can tell her things. It has been a long time since i could talk to anyone about what is going on. There are a few, very few who reach out to me when they see a post and know....in fact there is just one...

I have a new appreciation for my mother, my sister in laws (who keep me connected to my brothers), my mothers family who remind me so much of my mother and love me so much. I know this time of year is so difficult for my siblings, for me I have solace in knowing that I will see her again. I know she hangs around, when she can, loves on my children when she can...just there are times I can feel her with me. I know that I will be with my brother Malcolm again, i know that he loves on me and the children, I know he takes care of those little ones who were here once and have gone home and the ones who are coming to be in our family. I also know my siblings dont necessarily follow what i believe but for me this brings a peace that i need. 

I know my family loves me, they may not like me sometimes, or understand me ever...but they love me. I send them love when i can. I am happy when they tell me back or acknowledge me. I am grateful to have them and for all of the people they have chosen to be in their lives...and for the nieces and nephews who have come along. They are amazing. 

On to Christmas......Christmas Eve dinner for us and some new traditions as now Brenda and Skyler are married....Moral of this story??? Not sure there is one just had to get this out of my head. Not sure it makes any sense to any one but to me...its out...I love you sisters in law...and brother in law...i am grateful to have you .....

Boys, Christmas, Mammogram

When Shanes beard was gone a cool guy from the ward brought by this awesome hat. The boys absolutely loved it. Jake wears it as much as he can. He loves it. It has been so cold here in Idaho. In the negative temperatures and there has been a few snow storms. There is another one coming in tonight and tomorrow. The snow storms are nasty as well, like snow, ice, rain, ice, snow...its a mess. Then it warms up a bit and goes down into the negative temps. Granted our family knows how to deal with it but here in Idaho people get strange. They all of a sudden dont know how to drive. I suppose its not their fault they dont know. Also the use of salt/sand is not even thought about here. They use this ridiculous deicer crap that is frankly useless. It makes the roads slushy then it freezes and makes the roads worse. Silly really. Look at my boys...happy as pie with a hat that has a beard attached....makes me chuckle.

Speaking of snow and crap, there was an actual snow day last week and i opted to stay home with the children. The roads were terrible, i just dont have a desire to wreck my car. Also Shanes car is on the fitz so i stayed with my kiddos. Thought it would be fun, i have to remind myself that is not always the best idea. I mean they are great but some days they just want to kill...well certain children want to kill certain children then i have to get angry, then i slam doors, then one yells and it just turns into a mad house really not worth it. 

On a positive side for the first time in my married life Shane went Christmas shopping with me and of course we got it all done in one swoop. I suppose that is how he is. I am sure he will go out again. We usually have a small budget for Christmas and this year was no different. He came up with some good ideas so i am letting it go at that. I have some more stories about our shopping spree (of which is was not cause i dont call anything under 150$ a shopping spree) but i cannot talk about them yet. When i can i will tell you about them. Family secrets have to stay until they can be exposed!!!!

I made the boys dig out our little christmas tree and the decorations. I have been asking since Thanksgiving. Anyone who knows me knows i could care less if we have decorations at all, BUT this year something feels different. We are in our own house doing our own thing. We dont feel obligated to go anywhere and nobody is coming for the holiday. I wanted everything up so we could enjoy the christmas lights in the house. Of course getting the stuff out was harder than i expected. We have a shed outside and Shane apparently has the only key. Every time i asked them to get the stuff out he wasnt home. Whatever, i finally got the boys to get the stuff out and John got the honors of pulling out the tree figuring out how to make it stand (we have lost one of the little feet to help it stand) and decorating it. I would say he did a fine job. 

Jake on the other hand decided he wanted to put up lights. I told him to do what he wanted. Our house whatever holes he wants to put in the walls i dont care. So he strung up the lights through the front room. Makes our house a bit sweeter. I love the lights in the house. I remember when i had Laura we had some lights strung up from Christmas still hanging and sitting up with her at night and nursing her under those lights. Makes for fond memories of peaceful time with Laura as a baby. 

So I have been trying to take more photos lately of all of us together. Laura got a selfie stick for Christmas from someone so we tried to use it. Well it didnt work very well...ok not at all...so Makayla is stretching out and pushing the button to take the photo...I love this. Shane had walked in the door and he doesnt like photos of himself or to be on this blog but look there we are. I suppose i should have done this more when Brenda was home, she can do it with her family i guess...Maybe at Christmas when they are home i will do it again??? Getting Shane to be in on it is the tough part. 

See this machine? If you are a woman and over 40 you should know this machine intimately. Or it should know your boobies. This year i had to go back 2 times to have a mammogram done as well as an ultrasound as there was a small node they are watching and have been watching. I did not want to see this damned thing again.The node they are looking at is almost by my chest wall, let me tell you that is a shitty place to have them looking at. Its way down deep and i dont have small breastcles...These boobies have been the bane of my existence for a while, well since they appeared really. So my mother seemed to have some trouble with hers and then death arrived. So I figure i should keep up with mine. I bothered my friend at work so much she is going to get her first mammogram as well. I really like her, She makes me laugh. I warned her about it, but i also told her she needs to be around for her kids, and be a good example to her daughter...I mean everyone should get their boobs squished, to the point of no return, or where you want to scream Uncle. Or where you have a bruise under your armpit....but when you raise your arm to shower the next day you know...I am still here, I am okay, my kids will still have me for the next while, I may even be here to have some grandchildren show up? Lucky me Huh??? Unlucky for my Mum...but I know she is watching and loving every minute of my boob squishing adventures....GO GET YOURS DONE...if you are of age of course and need toooooo

The Shaving of the Beard

Shane has been known for a while for his beard. Yes he loves his beard. Its been a part of our married life for years. Really as long as I can remember. Maybe the first few years he shaved but then after a while he was working in really cold weather. Living in Maine in the winter the temperatures can go really low...minus 40 windshield is what i remember. The wind can blow through your house cracks and make you chilled to the bone. Not to mention the amount of snow we would get. Sometimes it would snow for days and we would be stuck in our house. Tons of snow and cold windy weather creates a lonely time. Shane worked outside and the rule was if he truck started he went to work.

Needless to say one year he grew a beard through the winter. Saved his face, was fun for the kids as he would come home with icicles hanging off it. The kids loved to see that. If he was snow blowing outside his beard would get caked with snow and then he would shake it over the kids. He would also pick up the kids and throw them in the piles of snow. That is for another day when i start digging out photos and putting them in my blog...

When we moved to Idaho he shaved once or twice i think but then started growing it out in the winter and then shaving it around our Anniversary (May). Then one year he decided not to shave. I was NOT happy about this choice. I was so angry for a while i would not talk to anyone about it and i mean a year...i just figured I didnt matter. He didnt care what i thought. After a long while, (remember i said a long long while) i just gave up and figured never mind. He loves it and it makes him happy. Over the years he lets it grow out or he trims it up, this photo below is the longest it has been in forever. It hadnt been trimmed in a long time. I will explain that in a moment. He would get teased by his father about that beard and every time his dad pulled on his beard he would grab his hand and say Dad, dont touch my beard...if the kids pulled on it he would say the same thing Dont pull on my beard...only little babies could pull on that nest of hair and he would smile. He has conditioner he uses to keep it soft and nice. I have to say he is always kind about making sure it wasnt in my face...sounds stupid but...he is so kind and thoughtful. 

Shane is an Elders Quorum President in our Ward. For those of you who dont know what that is, he is responsible for about 200 men and their needs as well as their families. Within this quorum of men they are all assigned to visit each other whether or not they come to church. Out of those 200 men there are quite a few who dont come to church, there are men who are unemployed and struggling with that, some who are young and newly married, some who are older than Shane, divorce, separations, also those who have new babies, are in some sort of recovery anything you can think of, he deals with these men and has met every single one of them and loves EVERY SINGLE ONE of them. Shane is nothing but LOYAL to you once he has met you. He finds the good in you and sticks to it, even if you burn him he will still find the good and keep pushing you to do better. He encourages not only the men but the wives of those men and their children no matter the age. Maybe i am biased but I am sure if you ask anyone who knows him, you will get this same response. He will be firm with you and tell you the cold hard truth, but then love you and help you find the answer you need. I dare say sometimes he is way better with others than me...but that is to be expected i am his wife....

So the deal he made when he took on this service to these men was that if they would go and visit the men they were assigned to teach he would reward them. Now most people do not know the rewards that Shane gives, but they are good. We had not been in the ward very long when he was requested to do this so actually nobody knew us. There are percentages that the Quorum as a whole has to hit and they made a goal of 70% of the Home Teaching (as it is called) would be done. He went before them and they came up with a number. When they hit the first goal he fed them smoked turkey, the 70% had to be held steady for 6 months and then they would be able to shave his beard. 70% is huge by the way. Most Elders Quorums have an average of 30-40% if you are lucky. This is a huge thing considering the area we live in and the amount of people we have in our ward. Home Teaching can be a strain on a family, but in the long run is a blessing, you find friendship, love, companionship. You can find a safe person to help when you feel like there is no other. I had been asking for years for him to shave this beard. You would think that me, being his wife, would have some sway but not I. I gave up years ago requesting he shave it. He loves it and it is part of him, so i let it go. 

Here he is after. The video is long so i am posting the photo of him here. I have to say when i walked in and the beard was gone i almost burst into tears. I was so grateful to have that face back in my hands. I dont think i have stopped kissing him. Its nice to not have the pokey mustache in my nose. 

I have been thinking lately about how much service we as a family do. I wonder often times if people see what we do. Often, we are up late doing things for others. Through our married life I cannot think of a time when we have not given time, energy or money to others. As we have become more well off money wise we have given more. His job has given him the opportunity to be home early, take care of the kids and spend time working on his men. I dare say he is much better at the service thing than I, he even sacrificed to have our daughters and I go to Scotland/England to visit my family, then to Massachusetts/Maine a few months later to see my siblings. As a family we try to find ways to give him joy and support him. He NEVER asks for anything nor does he want anything. Even when treats are brought to our house, he gives to the kids first, unless they are marked for him. So when you see him, say hello, give him a smile, tell him how he has affected your life...he will be humble and say he doesnt deserve it...more than anything he is one of the most humble men i have ever met. Sure he is is a Redneck, Republican, Mountain Man, but he knows God loves him, he knows he is nothing without God and the church...Dont let on, he doesnt like to be in the spotlight, he certainly doesnt like to be in this blog...but how can i not write about someone who is as great as him??? I love him, forever.

Here is the video it is long and you can watch if you want. 

Family, Plates, Leap

Shane and the boys do a lot of service projects. Sometimes more than i wish they would do. They are always busy. I have to say most people dont know how much time Shane gives in service to others. Sometimes the amount of time drives me crazy and i want to scream cause i would like to have him home. Then I realize that we get blessed in return. Many nights when he is gone I get time with the kids, the kids get time to do what they want, I get time alone.

Shane cuts trees, most people know that, most of the time I dont mind him going to cut trees down. Sometimes i get pretty upset when he has to go and cut trees, often times the trees are in a crappy place and a hard cut. I do not usually go, but this time i did. The boys have so much fun and they have their own chainsaws. It makes for a fun time for them. John and Jake saw this log and wanted a photo, they were so enamored by the pattern of the wood. It is a complicated piece of wood and looks like 5 small trees grew into one. They said something like look how strong these are all together, like our family. It was nice to hear. Love those darn boys...even if they are smelly and make me crazy.

I think when i struggle my kids notice. Well that is stupid, i know they notice. They are great kiddos. Sometimes they notice more than i wish. Since Brenda doesnt live here she doesnt see as much either and that is one less stress on me. My children are great at seeing when i need some good words. This note was in my lunch box a bit ago. It made me tear up. I was so grateful for them. I dont think i am very good at telling them often enough. I am not really sure how to do that really. I work on it hard every day but its a struggle for me. I am not sure why that is, i wonder all of the time what i can do to be better. Shane is very good at it though so maybe there is a balance. 

I had a friend chat with me yesterday at work about how i was doing. Do you ever think that nobody is paying attention? Well i was taken aback really by her grabbing me to chat. I was not really sure what to say to her. I think i am at a place where i dont have any clue what i am doing. I like my job, i need more of a challenge and that will come. I am sure i am just getting into a comfortable stride and that is something i have to work on. I will have to work on that. She really made me think about what i want and where i am. We do not speak often but when we do she does make me think and I am grateful for that. Its never good to wander around not knowing what you want to do i suppose. So what plans can i make? What steps do i take? all things to ponder on and figure out. I suppose she will catch me again and make me figure it out. I am grateful for her though, grateful that she thought enough to chat with me. 

I have a place on my wall that has a couple of plates. One is of the State of Maine (bottom right) and the one in the top left is a patriotic one i really enjoy. While i was in England/Scotland i thought i should add 2 more so i can always remember where i have been. I wanted to have a reminder everyday of my family, my mother. It is a joy to see when i leave for work every day.  

My Scotland one

My England one 

They are not the best photos but they suffice. 

Makayla turned 18 and decided she was done with Young Womens. I dont blame her. Really i was done at 18 as well. So here we are sitting in Relief Society waiting for the lesson to begin. I cannot believe she is 18, oh and this is kind of a good photo of us...ok of me...there are not many of which i like but his one i really like.....i dont look too bad do I?

Imagine Lauras hair 6 inches longer...we cut it off with the blessing of her father. He gets quite upset when she cuts her hair but it was very long and unmanageable. 

The pile on the floor is enough for another person to have a wig or a whole head of hair. That girl has so much hair its really quite unbelievable. He hair is glorious. She wants to put some color in underneath but so far its a no go. Getting it past dad is going to be a trial. I know it sounds ridiculous cause Brenda and Makayla dye their hair, but hers is so gorgeous and frankly Shane has a soft spot for Laura, i think he does for all the girls but for her...well he is pretty tender. 

So the moral of this blog is what??? i am stuck, maybe that is why i write this? I never thought that writing would be so good for me. I am glad i write as it seems to clear my head, it makes me look at things with clarity i cant see otherwise. Mostly because my head is always running like a computer. There are always tabs open and i have to stop, close tabs and make sense of the pages that are open. I suppose that is a blessing as not many others are like that. It is a gift to be smart and understand many things. Not saying i am super duper smart but i am quite smart. (boy that sounds snotty) I am grateful to have been given that kind of intelligence. My sisters are way smarter and my brothers...but i am glad to have some smarts. 

I suppose its something i will keep working on...what did you do when you were faced with this kind of challenge? Would you leap? find the right thing and Leap? I am thinking that may be coming.....

FOOD the joy of FOOD

I saw myself in some photos and decided whoa...lady get yourself under control...figure things out.Yes it was about my hair! I like my hair generally. When i was younger it was a lovely sweet strawberry red...now its an ugly drab old lady color and has sliver streaks and  I feel old. I was also checking out how cute my daughter was in her beautiful dress and my other girls in their dresses...wishing i could be just as lovely. I know, dont get down on yourself, but it happens, we all feel that way about ourselves every once in a while.

So i decided to get my hair done (already a blog on that) And then I decided i should be more careful of my diet. My diet is a tough thing. I dont have great genes and i am super lazy...I love my bed, I love being snuggled in a bed or a blanket and just chilling. I decided, after a visit to my doctor, that now is the time to make some changes. Ya i am hot and stuff but i need to be hotter, come on people. I started the new diet and it was hard....I have found an new joy in some new foods, but also i have left behind some yumminess...For 6 weeks i left behind sweets. Then my good friend brought some cheesecake...

blurry photo cause i was in the process of snarfing it down like a pig.....

Then i went directly back to my diet of lean meats and lots of veggies and low carbs. I was doing so well. Then Thanksgiving came...someone gave us rolls....they were so so good. I ate 3 with lots of butter then stuffing...It was glorious, until the next day. When i was sorry that i ate that much. Needless to say i figured out the standing of my body and then everyone got sick....that was where the turkey soup came in again.....

So i got back on track quickly and decided to go on a date with my hubby....Decided i wanted some chocolate, picked up these cookies there are not many in the box and if you are at Albertsons around here PICK THEM UP AND EAT THEM....they are delicious....and worth every.single.bite.

So then i was messing around on the internet and i found this meme...I love love love everything about this...Those red hot dogs (which should be cooked in a hot pan with just a touch of butter) with the bun that opens on the top, a cold, super cold Moxie, and chips...my life would of course not be complete without a Whoopie pie....or a good old bunch of Hydrox cookies...I also miss really good fried fish and clams.

WHAT YOU WANT TO HEAR MORE ABOUT FOOD??????????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Frankly i am not that great of a cook. Laura is the cook in the house. Jake comes in as a close 2nd. I have done it for years, i could really care less if i ever really do it again. 

Last sunday i made apple fritters and they were so good. I had a bite of one, delicious. They were gone by the end of the night. 

we made potato soup for Makayla who had her wisdom teeth out

I also made cabbage soup and i love it. it was gone in a few days, mostly cause nobody would eat it and then the boys left it out....soooo, needless to say i suppose i have to stop making stuff i like and nobody will eat.

after weeks of eating salad, veggies, chicken and low carbs I came home to this delicious dinner. I was so excited. Brown rice and peas, with home made coleslaw and chicken breast. It was so glorious to have a fully cooked meal that was filling. 

So i am done with my food post i have been trying to post for a week and a half....just know this, food is delicious...Its sometimes worth finding out new things about food and trying new things...Kind of like life, just try something new....see how your life may change.....

Turkey Soup, Freezer, Candles

Sometimes....well all the time...my kids get sick. So over the weekend my kiddos got sick. Normal for my life. A cold which is hideous and horrible has spread itself through our humble home and created a havoc that cannot be replaced with anything. So since our house is in full blown TURKEY SMOKING season...i have tons of turkey out...but lets talk about that for a minute....

Not sure my kids know this but sometimes kids dont need to know what you put in food. Sure some of them will read this and are old enough to see what i make...but they are still alive and one has even turned 18...that is right 18...(she still lives at home so she is going to have to deal with it).....Well let me back up some more....

We have an upright freezer from 1970 which was given to us years ago, its been a great freezer, held many elk, deer and turkeys...seriously been a joy...until it dies and things start to thaw...WHAT THE CRAP man? Lucky we caught it cause that stupid damned freezer...i mean that glorious freezer was holding most of our elk meat. Well one corner works at the top right corner i suppose i could put some ice cubes there but what would be the purpose? Anywhoo....soooo the freezer dies and we have to move everything to the other freezer and the one above the fridge, then try and find a way to keep all of the 25 turkeys which are thawed cool (cause we use that freezer and make it a sort of cooler) then clean it out and make it a freezer again. In any case, there is a bunch of stuff to worry about...so we have a home warranty and call them up to see if we can get a claim going. In the mean time, we have to find a place to store all of these turkeys we have to cook. We have 30 turkeys to cook sized in range from 15-22 lbs....let me tell you how many giblets and necks there are.

BACK TO THE SOUP....The end of the semester creates tired kids and the change of the season creates sick children. So i decide to make turkey soup with the neck meat and the giblets. Before you say anything know that i am not a fan of giblets...although my gross daughter Brenda will eat Pate...I make this huge pot of soup with tons of onions and veggies and what i have for meat stuff and thicken it up with spices and they eat it and LOVE IT.... ok so maybe the girls question it but the boys love it..... That night there was some rest and there was less coughing. Amazingness of soup...soup can do wondrous things. Even if it just makes your tummy feel better and soothes your throat you have some relief.

sick boys coming home from church to rest

The next day was a Sunday, we went to Sacrament and came home, i warmed up the soup....forced it down their throats....Ok i didnt force it but gave them hot soup and they all settled down for some quiet time. I would like to say it was quiet for a while...BUT a house full of teenagers who are ill, lets just say it makes for great annoyance, it all starts with one word....That word can be anything, seriously any word in any language can destroy the calm of silence in our home...They loved the soup it gave them some relief. By the end of Sunday they were feeling well...probably because they had some of this....

We celebrated Makaylas birthday that day as well...

Here are the kiddos who can never smile correctly...i got a great photo after this and then i messed up and deleted it. I am really sad about that cause finally i got a good one of Brenda. 

Like i said no nice photos ever.....EVER

the boys kept blowing out the candles and she kept getting mad that she couldnt blow them out...stupid girl....love her face 

So it comes down to this, if you have turkey innards and you need to make soup cause everyone is sick...make the soup....That is of course if you have 30 or so turkeys to smoke (which is another post) and remember why you are a mum, not just a working mum, but a mum. Knowing that I can still take care of them even though i am working and busy. Also dont pass by the 18th birthday, even if they are sick, dont leave behind the markers of life. Make the days important, make the cake they want, blow out the candles, laugh and have joy in the life you brought into this world. Marvel at the wonder of her life, at the amazing woman she has become.....

PS The freezer is getting replaced...thank you home warranty

My sad Makayla story

I took the kids to a regular dentist appointment a week or so ago. Just going in for a cleaning. Turns out Jake and Laura needed some fillings no worries right? Right. We got some of those taken care of. They have to go back and get the other ones done but that is no big deal. John needs to brush his teeth more in the back so he had some sealants put on the back teeth. Makayla another story...always another story with her. She has a tooth where the filling is coming out, the tooth is broken, ta-da ROOT CANAL....along with a filling. So she spent and hour or so getting that root canal done. Makaylas mouth is unusually small....considering the noise that comes out of that trap i am always alarmed at how loud she is.

Makayla is what she is...when she was born she was so full of junk. I mean i suppose all babies are full of crap and junk, but she was really full....They sucked junk out of her for a long time. She cried and cried...which in turn made me cry and cry and cry. I seriously thought I had created a terrible baby. I had a very very uncomfortable pregnancy with her. It was hard. I struggled to be positive myself. I was not happy being pregnant. I gained a lot of weight, my husband worked long hours, i was in a small apartment all day with a 2 year old, I didnt have many outlets. I was not in the best of places to really have a baby or in any place at all to be raising children.

When it came down to birthing that child, i wasnt sure if i wanted too. I know that sounds silly, but i just didnt want to bring her home. I was done. On the night she was born, a late November cold evening, i just wanted it to be over. I was in a room in the old Bridgton Hospital. It was a small hospital with only a couple of rooms for a maternity wing. I was at the back of the hospital and it was late, about 9:15 at night i was pushing, pushing hard and in between contractions i looked out the window and a soft snow was falling. Large beautiful snowflakes, music was on softly in the air, I looked up and my husband was beside me. It was a glorious moment.Then within a few moments she was out and crying. The silence of that moment was gone for 2 years.

Makayla Jayne was sick from day one. She didnt nurse well, she was never comfortable in her skin. I would wrap her up, i would rock her, i would sing to her, i would do anything i could to try and sooth her. Only 3 things worked for her: 1. Her Nana would come home and take her from me (often while i was crying) and walk around holding her) 2. Her swing, she would be in it for hours and hours. It was a wind up swing that i would wind every 20 mins (it was maddening) 3. The minute her dad would come in the door he would take her from me (again with me in tears) she would miraculously STOP crying. This was the most maddening thing for me. She would scream all day long and as soon as Shane walked through the door it would STOP. He would get her back to sleep and finally i could have some time to cry or take a shower, but mostly cry. There were times when i had to have Shane come home so i didnt hurt that baby.

She had ear infections upon ear infections, she had colds, she never grew (always a toothpick), gain weight/loose weight...anything you can think of she had it. When she hit 2 i realized she was deaf, she couldnt hear very well if at all. By 3 I had begged and begged for tubes. Finally FINALLY i talked the ENT into doing it, Her ears drained for days and DAYS. (I wish i had private insurance at that time, dealing with State insurance sucks SUCKS) Makayla had to go through speech therapy and cognitive therapy. Because of all of the issues we found that she most likely had/has ADHD. I chose to never get her on medication and chose therapy for her starting at a young age so she could learn to function and control herself. It was a lot of work at home and a ton of trips for me to different therapists and appointments.

As she went further along in school she was told she wasnt smart and never would be (by a tenured teacher, whom by the way will never forget the day she met my husband). She was on IEPs for a while all through Elementary School but then we moved to Idaho and Middle school came and she found a program that pushed her to succeed. She had that program for 2 or 3 years and all of a sudden this girl became an amazing learner. She has grown out of that mess as a child, overcome the battles of hearing loss (of which she still has), of learning deficiencies and now has some other medical things which sometimes hold her back. She now struggles with chronic headaches, girl issues and back and hip issues from being a short person (ok that last part was a joke) But we have someone who is helping with that.

My girl is becoming an amazing glorious wonderful young woman, who is essentially 18 years old. An age i honestly thought she wouldnt make it too. She still struggles, her grades are amazing and making it through her senior year is tough for her. But she is going to make it....she is going to find a life that is going to amazing things for others. I cannot tell you how much joy she brings to our family. She makes everyone smile, she loves to laugh with you, and can laugh at herself. She loves with a ferociousness that i have never seen, has devotion to her family that is unbelievable. If you dont know her you should get to know her....just look past the resting bitch face (she cant help it...she gets it from her mom......)

during the speech therapy

when she would scream

sweet baby about 8-10 months old

with Brenda 3 about 6 months old

Top left Spring 2015 Top right winter 2016 Bottom Fall 2016

Love Notes, Voting, Snacks/Flowers

My girls sometimes put my lunch together, i found this note from my girls the other day in my lunch. I really needed it. I was a bit shocked to see it and then I teared up. I really have no words for what i felt. I am still struggling a bit. It has been a tough road. I am still going one foot in front of the other. But this note made my day, its on my computer screen at work and I look at it every day. 2 of my daughters dont have the struggles i have but they watch me and love me anyway. It s nice to have them watch over me. My children are awesome (most days they are pretty good, others well....never mind)

I went to vote and there was an adorable older gentleman behind me waiting in line who had his Vietnam Vet cap on. He had just come put of the hospital and I was glad to be there. I was honored to be in his presence. I was 3rd in line and decided to have him go in front of me. I could wait...It was an honor to vote. There has been so much negativity in this election season that I find quite ridiculous. Words have been said by both sides which are meaningless and mindless. I have found that my following of the Clinton family through time really caused me to turn away from what I wanted. She did not embody what I considered presidential material. I really feel like she was caught in too many deceptions to make me feel comfortable. I didn't find that any of the 3rd party candidates worked for me either. When it came down to it Trump was a fair choice for me. I am not going to defend myself on his verbiage or the way he behaves. Hell I have been around really crass men and it never bothered me. I think we live in a time when we are so damned worried about hurting peoples feelings that we forget what the real issues are. I frankly don't care if you are gay, straight, queer, bisexual....retarded, whatever...I don't care. I could care less if you are fat thin tall short whatever....why cant we forget all that labeling crap and move on. If I wanted to label I would have labeled my children because of their issues, I would label myself...but its too much damned work. I don't care. I don't really care if you are talking about a womans privates or a mans. While we are on this subject why is it that we are so worried about this but we are not worried about men being diminished to something way below their capacity? They are made fun of, derided for being masculine, considered low if they are not all touchy feely...(heavens knows my husband is not that way). Why cant a man be a man and save the day anymore? Men are supposed to be just that MEN, standing up for their woman, making her feel like a queen, loving her not letting her run the show....but then this is my opinion. I am balanced with my husband. I have no problem with that. I have no issue with the fact that he goes and slays the beast and I do the softer side of life. It just works that way.

So hate me if you must but the joy of this country is our disagreements, our chance to think and be different, our ability to adapt to change that comes. I am pretty excited to see what will come. What will the changes be? Can we get back to brass tacks and figure out our budget, our health care system, our job crisis...so many things, whatever you think I do not envy that dude!! I do NOT envy the job of President. So much to do so little time, so many hoops....will be interesting to have someone there who has no fingers on any of the legislation of the last 30 years, and quite possibly could care less...

I stole this box of tissues from my aunts house when we were in Scotland. Its the last thing I have from them. I am down to the last one....its sad. Look at those MANSIZE tissues. Over the last few weeks I have struggled quite a bit and these tissues have been quite the comfort to me. They sit on my desk at work and silly enough they are like a little hug from my aunties....sounds dumb I know but it is almost like a hug from my mum. I think I may keep the box...just because everyone needs a man size tissue box.

cranberry/orange cream cheese with pretzel thins

So I was laying in bed this week suffering, ok not suffering, but feeling sorry for myself. The doorbell rang....now first of all I don't like it when the door bell rings....I don't like people coming to my house, ok that is a lie, I don't mind but sometimes I get tired and want to not have anyone over....wait another lie...I am and INTROVERT. Sure it seems like I am not but really I am. I love my bed. My dream is to be able to go and get the awesome mattress cover that is down with some delicious sheets and then an even more wonderous comforter with some sumptuous pillows but alas....I dream...it shall happen someday. I love to be there its quiet  and usually nobody bothers me. I can snuggle in my bed all the time. I force myself out. I read there sometimes I blog there, sometimes I watch shows there....talk to my children there...its a great place to be.....So the door bell rings I have to get up put on a bra (nobody likes these things flopping around) put on jammies and go out...there is a lady from our ward with flowers and this snack. I was sort of dumbfounded. She was so kind and said she had been thinking of me all day and thought she should stop with her favorite snack. I was touched but stunned...so much so that I couldn't move. Jake had to talk behind my back so I wouldn't cry...I believe he was being a smart ass....She didn't stay long but enough to let me know how much she appreciated me, she has only been in our ward maybe a month. I don't know here well but she is kind.

She didn't know that earlier that day I felt like nobody heard me, that my prayers were unanswered, that I was not good enough to go on, that these children didn't need me. Worst of all that my grandchildren wouldn't even miss me cause they wouldn't know me. That my friends wouldn't miss me, my husband could go on with out me...life will still go forward, I didn't need to be here. I tried all day to push aside the junk in my head, it was a tough day, but somehow I did and then my door bell....

This just goes to show there is always a reason, to get up, to move, to live, to cry, to pray....to whatever it is....I wanted to scream to someone and God got my wrath in my head allllll day long, He seems to be pretty nice that way. At least for me, some of us have other things: sports, workouts, music, texting, walking....other things....mine just happens to be screaming at God in my head. And then my doorbell will ring....in the past 2 weeks it has happened 2 times...and I am so utterly grateful...I cannot even express the feels.....makes my eyes sweaty.....I hope that people don't mind I am an introvert, that I struggle to be open, I am really working on it. This month has been really tough on me, must be this stupid blog, which I have found more people are reading.....I hope it helps someone to at least know you aren't alone, I also hope it doesn't scare anyone from marrying my children....

Trigger Warning if you have Depression/Aniexty

Often I find myself feeling like I am missing something in my life. Do you ever feel that way? Then I start to think...what is missing? Do I need something? Have I forgotten to do something? After a while I give up...I must not be missing anything. I must be just fine. Then a Sunday like today happens. Let me back up to the beginning of this week..

I guess maybe about a week or more ago. I haven't been feeling well for a while. Both physically and mentally. I realize that there was a downward spiral coming I saw it coming like some kind of swirl barely beginning in the tub as you let the water out. You know the dirty filthy water you let go down the drain and the little cyclone begins at the drain? As a kid I would watch that happen and then stick my finger in it to see if it would come back, it would, especially if I helped it along. So I see the swirl begin and what do I do? I hide, in myself, alone. I don't tell anyone not a soul. My first thought is to call my sister or my daughter or my friend but I cant I am stuck, just stuck in the dirty swirl. So  you may be wondering what was going on? What is her problem, she has great kids (So she says) She has a wonderful husband (she tells us) she has a great job ( she has told us how much she loves it) she has great extended family (she has been able to see them and be with them) What is her stinking issue? So I am spinning and then I realize....I have to get out before I drown...drown in the filth.

Then panic ensues. How do I get out? what is wrong? why cant I swim? HELP? who do I call, where do I go. So shut down begins. One of my girl friends who sits close to me at work was struggling that week for another reason. She had some deaths in her family and the anniversary of those deaths were close. I decided to get out of my swirl and buy her some flowers (something completely out of my comfort zone) and bring them to her. To see the look of comfort on her face was what I needed to make it through a couple of days. The flowers were a beautiful bright yellow, such a happy color. I wanted so badly to sit with her and hug her and tell her that she will feel it less next year. Next year it wont be as harsh, just a little bit less, and then the memories of joy will override the memories of sorrow. But I couldn't, I still cant. Perhaps she will read this and know...I know she is still struggling, may be not for the same reasons maybe for the same reasons but it gets better sweet friend...I promise.

Whilst this emotional illness arrived, so did some physical illness....alas our home is always full of some sort of physical illness. I had an appointment with my new doctor. I hadn't had a doctor in a few years and it was time to use my insurance. I needed a full physical plus some medication updated and a mammogram. Happily my new Dr. gave me some new meds which one does make me quite gross feeling so I have to take it at night. She also changed my depression medication to something that will work better for me and balances me out. I do have some high blood pressure all of the medications combined are helping with that as well. I am feeling much better which is a great thing. So i think to myself great now i can turn around. I explained to the dr what i was feeling and how run down and frustrated. She told me to give the meds some time. 3 weeks later i was starting to feel great emotionally. My swings were balancing but i was still sad. Then i realized...it was November. NOVEMBER....I miss my brother in November.

I know i have had this up before but i love him at this age. Just so sweet and happy. 

This is how i remember him forever. Older wiser sadder, missing his mother as much as i miss mother. His birthday is November 1st. It seems to get easier every year and i dont remember the sad memories, i have the memories of his laugh. He certainly was a smartass. Missing him makes me miss all of my family. It makes me sad. It makes me...want to be with them. All of them. 

So that week i got an infection in my eye....yes that is what i said, a delicious wonderous disgusting infection. My eye blew up, then started to leak crap. It was glorious. Sexy really. Ok not really. But along with it came muscles in my head that hurt and another round of meds antibiotics. (which I hate) So I am full of antibiotics which then give me other issues as I am a girl and if you cant follow that logic lucky you (good thing I had some meds for that crap too)....Needless to say when I am sick I just want to lay down and sleep. For some reason that is not in the cards for me. I took a day off to hopefully recover unfortunately no sleep happened. I tried to early vote but the line was around the block, I tried to do laundry but didn't have enough energy, I tried to cook dinner and destroyed it....By the end of the day I realized I should have just bagged it and stayed in bed. I should have just covered my head and hung out in my own misery.

Misery loves company right...well I certainly was in that spot. I should like to say that something anything brought my soul up, but there was nothing. I had even been posting 3 things on Facebook on an almost daily basis that were funny or uplifting....even that was a trial. I looked around and saw all of the things I wanted and realized one day that I had what I wanted....what I had asked for. I asked to be able to visit my family...I had been to England/Scotland and Boston/Maine this year. I HAD already received it. I was having family with drawls.

I did something I rarely do, I went back and read some of my old blogs. I read the ones of the trips I had taken. I took the time to remember the time with my family. I took the to feel the happiness and the sorrow of missing them. I actually like a dork cried a bit cause I wanted to get to know Amy better. I wanted to have a copy of that stupid speech I did at Darrylls wedding. I wanted to hug them all one more time (odd cause I am not a hugger at all) I just wanted them to know that I felt sad because I missed them. I wanted to hug my aunts and uncles one more time and hear my aunt Lesleys voice as it sounds so much like my mothers but also hear her say things uncle John would say as those are things my mum would say. I wanted to eat food at aunt Margarets and listen to uncle Ron tell me more facts about whatever he wanted and have aunt Iris interject her words. At the same time have my sweet aunt Susan make me laugh till I pee my pants and have Colin serve me like a gentleman and listen to Joe sound so English I cant stand it and most of all have Lindsay smile the smile that looks like my mum. I want to seem my nieces and nephews joy over donuts and sit and talk to my sister Eileen and her husband, and know that even though we disagree we can gain strength from one another. Spend more time with Shanna and Jake and love talking about their new life and they way they love each other, most of all spending time with Sarah and how she encourages me to be me. I just miss them....all of them. My parents are encouraging as well, giving words that I need when I am not very good at reciprocating...its hard

My journey is still going on, I suppose because I am still battling illness which has taken over most of my body. The eye infection has turned into some sort of upper respiratory/sinus thing and I will suffer through that for the next week. Whist at the same time dealing with the side effects of the medications I am on. Makes for a tough journey.

Why do I write all of this? Why do I put this out there?  Because life is hard. I am generally an introvert. I do not like to talk to people, I dont like to put myself out there. But I feel compelled to write out how I am feeling. I feel compelled to tell whomever reads this that I can make it through and so can you...I could say that I don't want to be here, I want to drive into a truck, sure I have felt that way more often then not, but I know those people I mentioned would miss me...along with some others. I have to remember I have A LOT to live for, so I will be okay. So if you see me just a smile and a hello will do.

Sometimes on a Sunday, when you hear a lesson about Depression/Anxiety you realize YES THAT IS ME!! and you are paralyzed with the reality that you cannot get out of your funk...but your 12 son late in the night when all of the lights are off calls to his 17 year old sister HEY do you every wonder? She responds Wonder What he says Nothing Just wonder? and they go back and forth and the laughter ensues at 10pm...I realize I am ok, I am just fine....so like I say just a smile will do....

My Makayla Jayne is a Senior

Someone told me once that I will be sad when my girls grow up. That I shouldn't rush it, be patient, enjoy every day. I was never one who believed in that. I wanted my girls to grow and be independent and happy. I wanted them to learn to crawl, walk, talk, read...enjoy everything life had to offer. I wanted to give them as much as I could and then let them fly. Do I miss those times when they were little? Yes a bit. But I get more joy out of watching them right now. Mostly because I enjoy days when my girl Makayla says what should I wear to my senior photos.....

My girls love the alley down town called Freak Alley...a bunch of artists go down to the alley and paint random things...we found some great backgrounds...Especially for my crazy girl....

my smart ass girl...short but strong

one for my favs....look at her smile

Makayla kept talking and laughing and Rachelle kept telling her to be quiet then she would say something so this shot came about...

 Our family loves Barber Park we have a lot of memories there, so Makayla wanted to have some photos there....the fall colors were coming on...it works for her...

We went to England this summer and saw Wicked, my cousin Heather gave us bracelets with some of the symbols. Makayla had left hers at home that day good thing mom has the same initial...I LOVE this...I hope she does defy gravity and flies to wherever she wants.

I got a similar photo with Brenda, Ms Rachelle likes to do this to me...I don't necessarily like it but I realize how important it is for this bit of time. Makayla will have it forever and know how much I love her.

This photo below is the ONE... I absolutely love it. When Brenda and I went through them and we came to this one we both said YES...it is her...shows her smile, her joy, her spirit everything about my girl. She has had a rough road of life this girl. Dealing with medical issues from almost the day she was born until this day she has struggled through it all and overcome it. She is sometimes down for the count for a day or two sleeping off the migraine, but she works, she learns, she struggles and she overcomes what life throws at her. I cant wait to see what is to come....I love you Whale you are the best ever...the Best Whale in the world...I couldn't ask for a better Makayla Jayne than you ....

PS As an aside I love Rachelle Harlin....she takes the time to photograph my children when I ask. I love the work she does. She catches us at the right time. Rachelle, I love you