My girls sometimes put my lunch together, i found this note from my girls the other day in my lunch. I really needed it. I was a bit shocked to see it and then I teared up. I really have no words for what i felt. I am still struggling a bit. It has been a tough road. I am still going one foot in front of the other. But this note made my day, its on my computer screen at work and I look at it every day. 2 of my daughters dont have the struggles i have but they watch me and love me anyway. It s nice to have them watch over me. My children are awesome (most days they are pretty good, others well....never mind)
I went to vote and there was an adorable older gentleman behind me waiting in line who had his Vietnam Vet cap on. He had just come put of the hospital and I was glad to be there. I was honored to be in his presence. I was 3rd in line and decided to have him go in front of me. I could wait...It was an honor to vote. There has been so much negativity in this election season that I find quite ridiculous. Words have been said by both sides which are meaningless and mindless. I have found that my following of the Clinton family through time really caused me to turn away from what I wanted. She did not embody what I considered presidential material. I really feel like she was caught in too many deceptions to make me feel comfortable. I didn't find that any of the 3rd party candidates worked for me either. When it came down to it Trump was a fair choice for me. I am not going to defend myself on his verbiage or the way he behaves. Hell I have been around really crass men and it never bothered me. I think we live in a time when we are so damned worried about hurting peoples feelings that we forget what the real issues are. I frankly don't care if you are gay, straight, queer, bisexual....retarded, whatever...I don't care. I could care less if you are fat thin tall short whatever....why cant we forget all that labeling crap and move on. If I wanted to label I would have labeled my children because of their issues, I would label myself...but its too much damned work. I don't care. I don't really care if you are talking about a womans privates or a mans. While we are on this subject why is it that we are so worried about this but we are not worried about men being diminished to something way below their capacity? They are made fun of, derided for being masculine, considered low if they are not all touchy feely...(heavens knows my husband is not that way). Why cant a man be a man and save the day anymore? Men are supposed to be just that MEN, standing up for their woman, making her feel like a queen, loving her not letting her run the show....but then this is my opinion. I am balanced with my husband. I have no problem with that. I have no issue with the fact that he goes and slays the beast and I do the softer side of life. It just works that way.
So hate me if you must but the joy of this country is our disagreements, our chance to think and be different, our ability to adapt to change that comes. I am pretty excited to see what will come. What will the changes be? Can we get back to brass tacks and figure out our budget, our health care system, our job crisis...so many things, whatever you think I do not envy that dude!! I do NOT envy the job of President. So much to do so little time, so many hoops....will be interesting to have someone there who has no fingers on any of the legislation of the last 30 years, and quite possibly could care less...
I stole this box of tissues from my aunts house when we were in Scotland. Its the last thing I have from them. I am down to the last one....its sad. Look at those MANSIZE tissues. Over the last few weeks I have struggled quite a bit and these tissues have been quite the comfort to me. They sit on my desk at work and silly enough they are like a little hug from my aunties....sounds dumb I know but it is almost like a hug from my mum. I think I may keep the box...just because everyone needs a man size tissue box.
cranberry/orange cream cheese with pretzel thins
So I was laying in bed this week suffering, ok not suffering, but feeling sorry for myself. The doorbell rang....now first of all I don't like it when the door bell rings....I don't like people coming to my house, ok that is a lie, I don't mind but sometimes I get tired and want to not have anyone over....wait another lie...I am and INTROVERT. Sure it seems like I am not but really I am. I love my bed. My dream is to be able to go and get the awesome mattress cover that is down with some delicious sheets and then an even more wonderous comforter with some sumptuous pillows but alas....I dream...it shall happen someday. I love to be there its quiet and usually nobody bothers me. I can snuggle in my bed all the time. I force myself out. I read there sometimes I blog there, sometimes I watch shows there....talk to my children there...its a great place to be.....So the door bell rings I have to get up put on a bra (nobody likes these things flopping around) put on jammies and go out...there is a lady from our ward with flowers and this snack. I was sort of dumbfounded. She was so kind and said she had been thinking of me all day and thought she should stop with her favorite snack. I was touched but stunned...so much so that I couldn't move. Jake had to talk behind my back so I wouldn't cry...I believe he was being a smart ass....She didn't stay long but enough to let me know how much she appreciated me, she has only been in our ward maybe a month. I don't know here well but she is kind.
She didn't know that earlier that day I felt like nobody heard me, that my prayers were unanswered, that I was not good enough to go on, that these children didn't need me. Worst of all that my grandchildren wouldn't even miss me cause they wouldn't know me. That my friends wouldn't miss me, my husband could go on with out me...life will still go forward, I didn't need to be here. I tried all day to push aside the junk in my head, it was a tough day, but somehow I did and then my door bell....
This just goes to show there is always a reason, to get up, to move, to live, to cry, to pray....to whatever it is....I wanted to scream to someone and God got my wrath in my head allllll day long, He seems to be pretty nice that way. At least for me, some of us have other things: sports, workouts, music, texting, walking....other things....mine just happens to be screaming at God in my head. And then my doorbell will ring....in the past 2 weeks it has happened 2 times...and I am so utterly grateful...I cannot even express the feels.....makes my eyes sweaty.....I hope that people don't mind I am an introvert, that I struggle to be open, I am really working on it. This month has been really tough on me, must be this stupid blog, which I have found more people are reading.....I hope it helps someone to at least know you aren't alone, I also hope it doesn't scare anyone from marrying my children....
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