Trigger Warning if you have Depression/Aniexty

Often I find myself feeling like I am missing something in my life. Do you ever feel that way? Then I start to think...what is missing? Do I need something? Have I forgotten to do something? After a while I give up...I must not be missing anything. I must be just fine. Then a Sunday like today happens. Let me back up to the beginning of this week..

I guess maybe about a week or more ago. I haven't been feeling well for a while. Both physically and mentally. I realize that there was a downward spiral coming I saw it coming like some kind of swirl barely beginning in the tub as you let the water out. You know the dirty filthy water you let go down the drain and the little cyclone begins at the drain? As a kid I would watch that happen and then stick my finger in it to see if it would come back, it would, especially if I helped it along. So I see the swirl begin and what do I do? I hide, in myself, alone. I don't tell anyone not a soul. My first thought is to call my sister or my daughter or my friend but I cant I am stuck, just stuck in the dirty swirl. So  you may be wondering what was going on? What is her problem, she has great kids (So she says) She has a wonderful husband (she tells us) she has a great job ( she has told us how much she loves it) she has great extended family (she has been able to see them and be with them) What is her stinking issue? So I am spinning and then I realize....I have to get out before I drown...drown in the filth.

Then panic ensues. How do I get out? what is wrong? why cant I swim? HELP? who do I call, where do I go. So shut down begins. One of my girl friends who sits close to me at work was struggling that week for another reason. She had some deaths in her family and the anniversary of those deaths were close. I decided to get out of my swirl and buy her some flowers (something completely out of my comfort zone) and bring them to her. To see the look of comfort on her face was what I needed to make it through a couple of days. The flowers were a beautiful bright yellow, such a happy color. I wanted so badly to sit with her and hug her and tell her that she will feel it less next year. Next year it wont be as harsh, just a little bit less, and then the memories of joy will override the memories of sorrow. But I couldn't, I still cant. Perhaps she will read this and know...I know she is still struggling, may be not for the same reasons maybe for the same reasons but it gets better sweet friend...I promise.

Whilst this emotional illness arrived, so did some physical illness....alas our home is always full of some sort of physical illness. I had an appointment with my new doctor. I hadn't had a doctor in a few years and it was time to use my insurance. I needed a full physical plus some medication updated and a mammogram. Happily my new Dr. gave me some new meds which one does make me quite gross feeling so I have to take it at night. She also changed my depression medication to something that will work better for me and balances me out. I do have some high blood pressure all of the medications combined are helping with that as well. I am feeling much better which is a great thing. So i think to myself great now i can turn around. I explained to the dr what i was feeling and how run down and frustrated. She told me to give the meds some time. 3 weeks later i was starting to feel great emotionally. My swings were balancing but i was still sad. Then i realized...it was November. NOVEMBER....I miss my brother in November.

I know i have had this up before but i love him at this age. Just so sweet and happy. 

This is how i remember him forever. Older wiser sadder, missing his mother as much as i miss mother. His birthday is November 1st. It seems to get easier every year and i dont remember the sad memories, i have the memories of his laugh. He certainly was a smartass. Missing him makes me miss all of my family. It makes me sad. It makes me...want to be with them. All of them. 

So that week i got an infection in my eye....yes that is what i said, a delicious wonderous disgusting infection. My eye blew up, then started to leak crap. It was glorious. Sexy really. Ok not really. But along with it came muscles in my head that hurt and another round of meds antibiotics. (which I hate) So I am full of antibiotics which then give me other issues as I am a girl and if you cant follow that logic lucky you (good thing I had some meds for that crap too)....Needless to say when I am sick I just want to lay down and sleep. For some reason that is not in the cards for me. I took a day off to hopefully recover unfortunately no sleep happened. I tried to early vote but the line was around the block, I tried to do laundry but didn't have enough energy, I tried to cook dinner and destroyed it....By the end of the day I realized I should have just bagged it and stayed in bed. I should have just covered my head and hung out in my own misery.

Misery loves company right...well I certainly was in that spot. I should like to say that something anything brought my soul up, but there was nothing. I had even been posting 3 things on Facebook on an almost daily basis that were funny or uplifting....even that was a trial. I looked around and saw all of the things I wanted and realized one day that I had what I wanted....what I had asked for. I asked to be able to visit my family...I had been to England/Scotland and Boston/Maine this year. I HAD already received it. I was having family with drawls.

I did something I rarely do, I went back and read some of my old blogs. I read the ones of the trips I had taken. I took the time to remember the time with my family. I took the to feel the happiness and the sorrow of missing them. I actually like a dork cried a bit cause I wanted to get to know Amy better. I wanted to have a copy of that stupid speech I did at Darrylls wedding. I wanted to hug them all one more time (odd cause I am not a hugger at all) I just wanted them to know that I felt sad because I missed them. I wanted to hug my aunts and uncles one more time and hear my aunt Lesleys voice as it sounds so much like my mothers but also hear her say things uncle John would say as those are things my mum would say. I wanted to eat food at aunt Margarets and listen to uncle Ron tell me more facts about whatever he wanted and have aunt Iris interject her words. At the same time have my sweet aunt Susan make me laugh till I pee my pants and have Colin serve me like a gentleman and listen to Joe sound so English I cant stand it and most of all have Lindsay smile the smile that looks like my mum. I want to seem my nieces and nephews joy over donuts and sit and talk to my sister Eileen and her husband, and know that even though we disagree we can gain strength from one another. Spend more time with Shanna and Jake and love talking about their new life and they way they love each other, most of all spending time with Sarah and how she encourages me to be me. I just miss them....all of them. My parents are encouraging as well, giving words that I need when I am not very good at reciprocating...its hard

My journey is still going on, I suppose because I am still battling illness which has taken over most of my body. The eye infection has turned into some sort of upper respiratory/sinus thing and I will suffer through that for the next week. Whist at the same time dealing with the side effects of the medications I am on. Makes for a tough journey.

Why do I write all of this? Why do I put this out there?  Because life is hard. I am generally an introvert. I do not like to talk to people, I dont like to put myself out there. But I feel compelled to write out how I am feeling. I feel compelled to tell whomever reads this that I can make it through and so can you...I could say that I don't want to be here, I want to drive into a truck, sure I have felt that way more often then not, but I know those people I mentioned would miss me...along with some others. I have to remember I have A LOT to live for, so I will be okay. So if you see me just a smile and a hello will do.

Sometimes on a Sunday, when you hear a lesson about Depression/Anxiety you realize YES THAT IS ME!! and you are paralyzed with the reality that you cannot get out of your funk...but your 12 son late in the night when all of the lights are off calls to his 17 year old sister HEY do you every wonder? She responds Wonder What he says Nothing Just wonder? and they go back and forth and the laughter ensues at 10pm...I realize I am ok, I am just fine....so like I say just a smile will do....