Foo Fighters and Church?! Ya thats what I said

Check this out.....

My Visiting Teacher ( a woman who comes to visit me every month to check up with me) came by last night to eat ice cream with me, I wasnt home. I was working...It was a nice surprise to come home to. She is a wonderful woman who is from Canada NORTH EAST Canada!! That is the best part. We have spoken in passing for the last year or so but now we chat more often. She is real, kind, understanding, loving...all the cool things I need. Although we dont have a lot of time together, she knows how to say the right thing to me. So she must have known that I needed this, and I ate it all myself...it was delicious and I felt the love in every single bite! I love you lady friend, you know who you are!!!

Today I gave a talk at Church. In our church 3 sundays of the month members of the congregation are asked to speak for 10-15 mins. I was asked this week to choose a topic and speak about it. I chose a topic which is really touchy and wasnt sure if it was going to go over well but I decided to jump in. I spoke about Pornography and its deadly hold on people. This includes men women and teens. Addiction is what it is a terrible vice to get caught in. Dont get me wrong we all have something that holds us back. Unfortunately porn is a never ending cycle, it gets stuck in your head. There is a quote I thought was interesting and it came from a teen "Because the world and brand of porn is all based upon vanity and careless behavior. Porn is a soulless entity. This is NO good to come from it" One of the quotes I really found interesting was from a man who wrote a letter to one of our Apostles Dallin Oaks, "Pornography is addictive. A man who had been addicted to porn and hard drugs wrote me his comparison: " in my eyes cocaine does not hold a candle to this. I have done both...quitting even the hardest drugs was nothing compared to trying to quit porn". Interesting, porn is addictive and can kill relationships. It was an interesting topic and interesting responses came from it. 

I am a firm believer that talking to your children from the very beginning about bodies and all if its functions. Talking about sex to children is important, how else are they going to learn? From school? From teachers? The parents of your kids friends, who you dont know very well? Not sure if you want your children learning from random people or if you want to teach them yourself. 

I am not sure how many of you out there believe this is a true thing or not about porn but I do. I have seen it destroy marriages. Its a sad thing, but any addiction can destroy a person and families. The cool thing about this talk was the fact that I could use some lyrics to a song which had been roaming in my head for a week. 

I love the Foo Fighters, some of the lyrics are so poignant and make me really think. I only used some of the lyrics to make my point but in reality what has the best of you? Is there something that holds you back from becoming the best you? I know I have something in my life, I think we all do but controlling it or finding a way to over come it is important. I hope if you have something you are struggling with you can find some way to get the help you need, whether it be through church or counseling find peace in your life, we all deserve it.

On another topic life can be a big suck ball of crap. I had a job interview this week for a really great company and they didnt want me. I was so frustrated and angry. Why do I even try? But then I realized I have to keep going. Life is sucky but in reality overall its good. I have a pretty cool bunch of kiddos and nieces and a nephew and I hope another one from my lovely awesome sister....I have a good amount of support from those around me and I am glad of it. 

Which brings me back to ice cream...why is it so good? What is your favorite kind? Seems like growing up Spumoni was on the list along with (of course) Chocolate. Some how I remember peanut butter as well. Now days I love just about any kind, mostly I am into frozen yogurt as of late. There is a place near by which serves frozen yogurt with any kind of toppings. Deliciousness...

Friends and Men

Do you ever wonder why you meet different  people at different times in your life? No matter where I have been whatever job, home, school, area, I have found someone who is interested in me. Dont get me wrong I personally dont like people,  or their questions. Every once in a while I get lucky and get someone who understands my humor and snarkines.

Bed Bath and Beyond has given me friends who have stood beside me no matter what has happened. There have been time working there when I have felt overwhelmed, frustrated, scared, overjoyed, sad, happy and a ton of other emotions. Yet there are some people there who understand me, give me support when I dont know where to go or what to do. A group of 2 or 3 ladies who are close to me even though we dont talk very often. These ladies have given me strength to make decisions and move forward in my life.

There are 2 men who have become close personal friends who also influence my life in many different ways. They know just when to text me, call me or just say something which will make me smile. They are a part of my family, they support me, they love my children, they love my husband, i dare say they love me (although I am sure they would never admit that, too manly)

Right now I have a job which stresses me out, yet I have found a friend who encourages me. She will send me messages, come by my desk, let me use my stupid accents (which are often not correct) and most of all she gets my humor. OH and we both are semi in love with Benedict Cumberbatch...oh you dont know who he is??? Well let me show you

WHAT you have not watched BBC's Sherlock well you are missing out...get cracking and watch it!!! it is joyous!! By the way check out this dudes eyes...amazing

Of course my other long standing love is Hugh Jackman

But I digress, I am at a place where in life where I have some actual friends. Seems strange to me as I often feel like I have to be a caretaker, I always get myself into situations where I take care of women instead of letting them be my friends.

One has helped me find myself, through exercise as well as being interested in me(I have eluded to her before, her husband is just as important), another is a sister from childhood who will spend her precious time on the road to come and see me and my children, another will answer my texts late at night or early in the morning or anytime i need, one will offer to take photos of my family on her own time (and her husband is a great supporter of mine, still havent figured that out) another was my visiting teacher and now randomly drops me a note via Facebook or some chocolate bread at Christmas(oh and she can see right through me always startles me), another has a super talented husband and 2 beautiful girls and she finds time on a Sunday to tell me I am worth while and important, another grieves but still smiles at me not knowing the torture I feel some days, another encourages me to be myself no matter what and loves my children even though she (at the moment is childless), one is from the North East and understands my humor and will sit with me and just be real...I could go on and on...maybe someday if I get permission I will write more specifically about these people.

Right now I am content to know that the people I know are generally all around me to support me. Maybe its age, maybe its the comfort of knowing myself better who knows....In the mean time I will leave another Hugh Jackman photo

Malcolm

I struggle with a lot of things in my world of weird. My life has not been a life of easy paths, then again I am not sure of anyone who has easy paths. I have met a few people who have had lives which are not as difficult or stress inducing or depression filled and I sort bear and often seem to much for some. ppiness.

 Happiness is somewhat elusive and frustrating most of the time. Often I still find myself looking for happiness. Is it something we are supposed to have all of the time? Or does it come in spurts? There was a time when I was young when I had a camera, it was one of those cheap worthless cameras which I didnt think anything of. This particular year my mother was sick, I know I have one of her somewhere but I cannot find it...in any case here are a few I found. Mind you we were all young...

The one on the left is my sister Eileen, the right is my brother Jacob (I have written about him) and the bottom one is my brother Malcolm. I have one of my sister Sarah but I think she may murder me for showing the photo. I am not sure it is that good for her to have it out there considering at the time she was struggling. She doesnt look that great. 

My family went through a tough time when mum got sick. Us kids were not really kept in much of the loop about what was going on. I am not sure if that was mums idea or dads either way it doesnt matter now. It was hard for everyone involved. Life was precarious and strange. There were children who didnt understand and parents who were doing their best. But somewhere, somehow something was lost in this boy who was the youngest. He had always had a stubborn streak in him. He was a beautiful boy, but loosing his mum at such a young age took a tole on him. Sure we gained a new step-mom less than a year later, GOD BLESS that woman ( I am not sure she really knew what was coming but she is awesome) But for a boy of 5 its tough to have your mum and then the next day she is just gone. JUST GONE...

As the oldest sister I tried to find a way to explain it to him and the others but alas I was not very old myself. I find as I look back this is where I may have failed them. I should have had a better grasp of what to say. But then I see that there is no way I could have. I was a kid with no tools to help. I think counseling would have been extremely beneficial to us. 

CAUTION SOAP BOX RANT COMING:

I feel that as I have lived through this kind of thing parental units need to understand the words they say are important. Families are Forever, Eternity, Eternal Life, Living in Eternity mean absolutely nothing to kids under the age of 16. Being an adult now and finding the blessings of the Atonement in my life along with a deeper understanding of the Gospel of Jesus Christ I understand these words...kids do not hence the reason for primary, the youth program, and us as parents teaching them. We as children needed grief counseling, ALL children who loose a parent need it. WHY?? because you parents are biased and cannot see past your own grief and that is nothing against you, just the facts. ( this by the way has no bearing on my parents, they did all they knew how at the time)

Back to my brother, Malcolm, the last time I saw him was when he came to Boise to visit my family when we first moved here. I was so excited to see him.  He spent a week with us and it was the best time. He would walk to the end of our road and just look at the mountains, play on the floor with the kids, talk for a long time with me and spend time with Shane. He wanted to be an artist, his art is beautiful:

Those shirts were made after he died. They are lovely. I wish I had a copy of one of his pictures but I dont. I found some old pictures of him while looking for a baby picture of John the other day he is just a teen in these photos. I miss his laugh which was a bit dry along with his humor. He and my brother Jake were always together doing whatever it was they did. I was having babies at this time. My brothers would come and play with the babies. They loved being with Brenda, she was a bit of humor in their lives all the time.

 

Life was busy he grew to become an amazing man. this photo was taken a few months before he died

He loved a good beard. I often wonder what he would think of Shanes beard today. He was happy in this photo, this is how I remember him...being a punk. He had a heart of gold and often talked to me about the women he loved, especially about the mum he couldn't really remember. He would ask questions I couldnt always answer but i would try.  He was always a bit lost or looking for something. There is no worse feeling in the world than having a grown man cry on you because of the loss of his mother. 

April 25 2010 i got home from church and there was a message from a police officer based in New Hampshire. I had a heavy feeling in my heart when i returned the call. Its a good thing in have a husband who can be calm and make good decisions. I fell to the floor in anguish and sorrow for such a young life. Shane set out a plan for phone calls. The day was a blur, all i could think was how happy Malcolm must be to have my mum all to himself (i still sort of hate him for that)!  

(plain simple head stone for a punk who deserves a slap and a kick!)

Arranging a funeral is never any fun and I felt bad that everyone had to wait because I was in the last few weeks of a semester of school. I had finals to go through, that was a tough ending for a semester. When I finally made it to Maine and could be with my siblings I felt such relief and peace. Being with my sisters and feeling their compassion and my brothers unending love is what I remember most. I did get a chance to visit Jacob in prison those moments are most special to me. I wanted to hold him much longer than I was able (soon I will be able too). I had to do the eulogy which I thought was fitting. I remember one line from it, as a side bar if you are going to do something like that write it down so you dont forget. I remember saying that Malcolm is watching from a 2 sided mirror and we cannot see him but he will watch over us until we can be together again. 

( this is all of us Dad, Darryll, Mom, Malcolm, Sarah, Eileen, Jacob, me no idea what year maybe 1983ish)

I know without a shadow of a doubt that I will be with him and my mum again. I will get to bask in their glory and love when the time comes. I will be able to be held like a little girl again in my mums arms and she will tell me she loves me and is proud of all I have accomplished in this life. I know that someday I will get to slap the crap out of that boy for driving drunk and making crappy decisions and then I will cry and hold him like I want too everyday. That day will be glorious, well at least I hope so. Until then I get to hang with some pretty awesome people I love them more and more every time I talk with them. Every time we connect we become a stronger base of strength for each other even though we all have such different viewpoints. I respect, love and honor my brothers and sisters for all they do in their lives, they are inspirations to me.

This was May 2013 at my graduation Sarah, Me, Darryll, Eileen

SIDE NOTE: I saw that this post got deleted, not sure how that happened but now its fixed. Also, for those of you who read the previous one the ending is a bit different. I hope in all of my writing I dont offend or embarrass anyone, but then I think eh, its my blog and its me so deal. If you have a comment please do so I know who reads this, seems creepy if you read it and dont leave one just sayin

Another day...more musings

You know that sinking feeling that comes over you when you realized....oh crap I am going to throw up...I mean TOSS it all right now....what do you do? I am one of those people who sits very still and would rather cry than do any of that heaving crap. I dont enjoy the end result of knowing that I am going to pee my pants, possibly grab hold of a toilet that I dont want to touch, and hope and pray for it all to be over. I dont have the power to control anything when throw up comes. My sister on the other hand will just throw up and be done with it. I sort of envy that, but then if I had no qualms about throwing up I would be bulimic, this my friends is not a joke. Alas, I do enjoy eating so much that weight is an issue, another post another time.

So I woke in the the night ill, but went to work anyway toughed it out. Toughing it out apparently was not the best idea so home bound I was...on the couch is where I have been just sitting, catching up on some movies, and falling asleep. I awoke in a pool of sweat but freezing. This is never good for me. In any case I will be ok I am sure. I would like to say I hate being sick but in reality I enjoy having a few moments of rest. Actual, complete, profound sense of rest...it doesnt happen much as I am always going. I am not a person who likes to be going so much. I love to sit still and not do much, or sleep and not do much or watch movies and sit. I dont like silence much but reading, movies, music gives me some solace. 

In other topics, we went to the park about a week ago, it was nice:

It is nice to see my children love to be together. I dont remember many of these times as a kid. I am sure there must have been some, but I dont remember. I know as I got older and us kids would all sit around and laugh. Funny how I remember the times of laughter with my brothers and sisters. I have always wanted my children to be close, I want them to know they have each other no matter what. Support and strength can be found in the relationship they have. Even though Brenda is moving onward to a new life possibly not always here, she has sisters who can get a hold of her and be supported no matter what anytime. I have found that my children are becoming a unit of love which will support them even if Shane and I are not. This is what I wanted. It would seem we have made some great steps as parents thus far. 

Its funny I always had people tell me we are too harsh, expect too much, require too much...I always got the "wait until they are teenagers" blah...well my discovery is the children become what you expect them to become, they are a direct reflection of my husband and I. From what I have observed they are good kids, so far, who are going to be successful in all that they do. I realized a long time ago that these children are not MINE, they are on loan to me for a time, then they go on their own. I just have to do the best I can for now to help them to be awesome, amazing human beings. Looks like so far we may be doing an ok job.

Silence

Have you ever just sat in silence? I mean completely quiet, no noise, no cell phones, music, car engines, radio.....nothing....

I dont do this often or ever really.  Silence is hard I end up with my thoughts that sometimes are scary, depressing, frustrating, most of all(and probably worst) angry.

So I went to a pretty awesome place the other day where I could do exactly that....sit in silence. I hadnt been there in a long while mostly because I have been struggling with life, in so many ways. As I sat in the room next to my friend I zoned everything out, incuding my friend (sorry lady you know who you are). I tried to push aside my anger with life, the fact that I had to go grocery shopping (which I hate), that my oldest is moving on with life....the myriad of thoughts a mom and crazy person has.

Picture a room with soft cozy colors, lights that shine through beautiful crystals.  Soft comfort under your feet with thick carpet as well as a comfortable chair you sink into. The chair envelopes you giving you a virtual hug. You are comfortably set in your clothing and the thoughts start coming. What do you first think of?? I have a list first is my brothers and sisters, my children, my hubs, my mother...then some other random thoughts,  then I realize my thoughts turn to me, myself and I. Mostly those thoughts are negative....why, is this how I have trained myself?

Alone with my thoughts and wondering where I am in life.  What choices have brought me to this quiet solitude to find introspection? Good question, of which I have no answer too. Frankly no desire to answer it. Was I running or in denial what was going on? Then it hit me....I am ok. I am just fine being who I am. I am me and if others dont like it they can stick it. Its too hard to make mysrlf what others want...I am NOT a typical western Mormon. I cant hide in the ridiculous notion that God is going to make everything alright, make pain go away, cure depression, fix the broken things I see. Faith is hard, tough, painful...doing life alone is not meant to be. Sure I have an awesome  hubs amazing brothers and sisters, fair parental units whatever, but in reality we walk the lonely road alone. (Addendum: I know I have guides and plenty of help but I and I alone make the choices in my life)

As we say at out house "Aint nobody got time fo dat"....feeling sorry or living in a world made of a Mormon (Christian if you will) mirage...be real people life sucks, For some more than others...but sometimes sitting in silence can make you realize the strength you thought you didnt have.

Phew this blog is gonna have to end if this is gonna be how it goes....or its going private....seriously who wants to know this crap anyway!

Glorious, Momentous, Unrecognizable

So you know how my last post was about finding joy? Well it would seem that everything I have done in the days since have somehow pointed me to reasons for joy, happiness, looking forward, not feeling down. I have been pondering a lot the meaning of Easter to me. If you are not a religious person feel free to frown grumble and tell me I am brainwashed I am good with it. But it works for me. I think in some way we find what works for us individually within our lifetime. Some its a love of God and His Son, others its finding a way for peace to reside in the world, or making beauty with art (of which I have not a bit of talent in). I find joy all of my friends and family with all of their different views on life. So bear with me...

I found an interesting clip today as I was looking through my FaceBook feed:
http://youtu.be/_S3TI4bYerU

Now enter at your own risk but its only about 2 mins or so and it got me to thinking about where do I find joy in my life. (Sorry non religious peeps here it comes read at your own risk) Over the past week I have come to find that what the Lord gives he can take in an instant, what the Lord gives he can compound to the most glorious of moments, what the Lord gives he can make even momentous and almost unrecognizable of a sign that you may miss it. What do I mean? Well here is a bit of what I mean.

I was given the pleasure of watching a dear woman take pictures of my family. She wanted me in this photo but it is more poignant to me with out me in it. Why? Well I have a photo of my hubs with all of my children walking away from me at some point in their lives. The connection between a father and his children is so important. One of the things I asked of my hubs when I got married was that he would guide and comfort my children, be the girls 1st boyfriend, the boys hero. This is the culmination of that for me. Look at my girls all connected to their dad. My sons wanting to be just like him following in his foot steps. If he were gone tomorrow I know that he has accomplished his duty as a man of God to guide, love, support and be a constant source of strength in their lives. 

I think of my friend Mari, I wonder does she feel this way about her beloved who left in an instant? Someday I will ask her (in a few months over cake, tears and maybe a Hugh Jackman film). My heart was so full as I attended her beloved husbands service. I knew in one single moment that what the Lord sees fit to give He can take just as easily, and I would be ok with that. He certainly knows more than I, being stubborn and often impartial to many things, I would be ok, because He loves me. He, Heavenly Father, would not leave me alone, although I would feel alone, I would have the Comforter to support me. I love that aspect of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, you are never EVER alone. 

Glorious moments are moments like this

As I got out of my car at 10pm last night from work tired and wanting to go to sleep i noticed that the sky was beautiful. The full moon was out, the shadows were laying across the earth in such beautiful poses I was in awe of its splendor. My camera on my phone does not do this justice but as I took the photo i noticed the star like appearance of the moon. Watching over me as I labor in this frustrating life I am in. I work in 2 different places 6 days a week. I know that I am not alone. I have often felt the presence of my mother, brother and grandmother within my life. They are all dead and yet I know they watch over me, give me comfort, cheer for me, cry with me and love me when I dont love myself. Lets face it there are times we dont love ourselves for me that is more often than I would like to admit. I know there is a level of depression in my family and I have to be very careful to not go down a road that will push me into a dark place. But looking at the moon and seeing the beauty of what God has given me to watch and see can often bring me too my knees in gratitude for all that I have. Oh picts of my gratitude? Well thanks for askin

Unrecognizable signs are the ones that get me...Like watching a mourning woman, prompting her to drink water (which I stood behind her and held for over an hour) knowing that she has not yet felt the full sorrow yet to arrive. Talking to her daughter and telling her the way I felt when my mom was gone...just gone...and I could do nothing about it. Letting that sweet child know that I saw myself in her and that she was going to be ok, not great but ok. Laughing with my sweet sister who drove 8 hours to see me, to be with ME, to love me no matter how obnoxious I am. Being able to be myself, which is actually very guarded to others, she can see through all of the bulls&*t and make me talk and complain and it never leaves the 2 of us. I have sisters who know me for who I am, who have known me all of my life, and can call me out when I need it. I love that about them. They call me or text me and give me time, time that I feel so unqualified for. You know you have some of those in your life too so think about it...when do those moments bring you joy.

Almost unreal was going to Stake Conference today and hearing a talk completely focused on JOY, HAPPINESS, SMILING and PERSPECTIVE. This man who plays a mean game of softball and is not a small man with a loud voice, spoke about Christ and his sermons. How Christ set forth joy and love as 2 of the most important aspects of life. Love of others, ones self, kindness, charity....all things I try to work on daily. This man spoke of how a smile makes everyone happy, look at someone in the next 24 hours and just smile, a sincere smile and see what happens in return, you may be surprised. 

So the signs I receive may be different than yours, and these are just a few in my week. What are the moments in your week which bring you joy? Maybe you cant find any...sometimes I find them in the "leaning tower of boyfriend" the new name I call the boy dating my daughter, while I watch  my 11 year old son read a Tom Clancy novel and there is a moment of peace between my 15 and 14 year old. Or maybe its in the fact that I perfected a sponge cake with a fruit glaze and whipped topping (made from dry milk and it wasnt gross)

Go find some JOY...

Joy? Lets find it

This week has been a mixture of all kinds of emotions. Seems like i have been on a roller coaster this week. I was super excited to have Erin come to visit. She is a sister I have from another mother and having her around makes my life happy. I knew she was coming and yet I still had to mourn with a friend. For those of you who know me death is a tough thing for me. This month is especially hard as my younger brother died a few years ago this month. (This is another story for another day)

My first thoughts are for my friends children. She has a daughter who is 12....I took some time at the funeral to speak with her about what she was feeling and the things that I did when my mom died. I explained that the worst part is when everyone is gone and the house is silent...that damned silence. I know for me I felt it a responsibility to take care of the other kids. I know, it wasnt my job, but at the same time I am not sure I was told or even encouraged to not be in charge. (another story for another time) I think I have a lot of "another stories" I have to keep track. It was a good chat with this young lady who has quite a road a head of her. the world sucks sometimes but she is a good girl.

As an aside if you dont drink a lot of water you should start. Water is so good for your body. I do love a good Diet Coke (when ever I say that I know my sister Eileen cringes). So water, I sort of took it on myself to make sure my friend had some water. So for an hour or so I stood behind her while she greeted people and fed her water. It was all I could do for her as I had no words, not a single thing to say (surprise!) As I left that funeral I realized that I always have someone at my back feeding me water, encouragement, love, support. Mari doesnt have him here with her anymore but he is there and will hang with her in her heart to encourage and support. I wish is for Mari to find joy, support, love encouragement and someone to hold her cup of water to move her forward in life.

Lets face it life is tough, but joy is always around the corner if we watch for it. I found some today while at work and layoffs began...people around me who have been there longer than I are being sent on their way while I stay. Somehow I am staying. Its a comfort to know that I am worth something, valued in my job. I dont love my job but I observed 2 things today. I am gonna throw them out there and see what you think.

One guy who I work with comes to work everyday in a pressed shirt, tie and dress slacks. He doesnt have much money as he rides the bus home (to Nampa) a 2 bus run and 2 hour ride. Yet everyday he comes in happy to have a job, I need to be happy also, and work for something better.

Another lovely lady I work with has taken to talking to me about her frustrations. (another aside why does this happen to me? Why do people always open up and tell me things? I often wonder what it is about me that makes people that comfortable). I have known this woman only at work, she is my lead supervisor, and yet we have had some wonderful discussions about the importance of womanhood, motherhood, employee. She is a hard working woman and I am in awe of her stamina. She has a small baby and 2 other children along with 2 step children and works full time. I am amazed by her.

I have learned to find joy in horrible, terrible, sorrowful, stressful, angering, frustrating circumstances. Sometimes they are little sparks, sometimes they are like lights shining around me and I cannot contain the joy. most times the sparks are just enough to have me make the next step, other times the next leap.

Life is hard but having Erin come and stay always gives me the shining light I need to keep going. To know that the joy in life is forever there..even if its cheesecake and wishing for a haircut and having ice cream.

Serving the neighbor

For those of you who dont know this week end was General Conference of our church. Its when all us Mormons get a chance to sit down and listen to our leaders give us some guidance and maybe some laughs. Ok for those of you who are Mormon I will from now on use proper lingo....We are Latter-day Saints. Either way, what ever you know us by, know that for me I needed this weekend to give me not only a day off but some time with my family. It seems to be the one weekend a year when we can hang together and have some fun.

There are 2 hour blocks of time to watch and then 2 hours of off time. So yesterday in between the first and 2nd session we did a bit of a project for the neighbor across the street. OH ya I took some pictures.

 

 

so these were some of the pictures I took. There is a bit of video also of them bringing down a limb(but i couldnt get it to work ugh computers). Yes they all had a super time and enjoyed  hanging out with dad. The hubs on the other hand enjoyed getting out his saws and firing them up. It was nice to spend time helping someone else. The most exciting part was getting free cherry wood to smoke with this summer. This made our neighbor excited cause he will be the recipient of some delicious smoked meat this summer.

As I watched all this happen I was amazed at how quickly my kids jumped in to help get everything done. Work has been an important part of their lives. As parents we spent a lot of time teaching them to work for whatever they wanted. I must say as an aside i am super, duper lazy and wish my husband did not have the drive he has. He can work from sun up to sun down doing things that I certainly do not find necessary at all. I mean really who wants to chop wood like a maniac for hours and then stack the damned stuff? NOT I...but alas my husband can do it all day. We now have a back yard with a pile of wood which needs to dry out before making some deliciousness...I will keep you posted on that.

Helping others is a huge part of our lives. I cannot count how many times we as a family have taken the time to help others. Somehow it always comes back to bless us in the end, I am not sure how and cannot explain it but it does. My kids dont fight or argue. They take time to make sure everyone is ok and taken care of. The work they did for the neighbor could have taken all day instead it took 1.5 hours and the cost was nothing for the neighbor (the quoted cost for him was $3500 a ridiculous amount of money).

Some people have commented to my hubs and I that we make our kids work too much. I get a lot of "dont you think they need to have kid time?" What the hell is kid time? They get plenty of time to play. My hubs has always taken the time to play with the children on the floor. He has always taken the time to go fishing, hunting, walking in the woods, shooting, whatever it may be to play. Work it important. It is the backbone of life. Everyone has to work (oh it sucks sometimes and I hate it) but its important. I got a job when I was 15 and by the time I was 19 I had 2 jobs working hard to earn what money I could. I paid my bills, bought my car, paid insurance etc. I had good parents who made me take responsibility for life. (dont tell them that I will lie about it) Working is a part of us and there is nothing we can do about it. I think that the ethic we have taught our children is a good thing. They know that life is hard and will be but if they can work they can make it through. They may not be rich or make a ton of money but they will know how to serve and provide for others. Pretty good I would say.

Ya this post is not as cool as others, mostly because the hubs has been talking non-stop to me and I cant concentrate on what I want to say. I just wanted to put down some thoughts of today. I didnt put in the stuff about Conference that will be for another day another blog. 

Go Fly A Kite....(tear warning)

I dont know why I am surprised by my sons, but I am. John (11) and Jake (9) are becoming such men in my eyes. A few days ago a young father in our ward died unexpectedly. This father has 3 young sons (also a 12 year old daughter) The boys are my boys ages except for the youngest who is a toddler. The 2 middle boys are sweet boys and my sons have had them on their minds since they have heard of the death. Lots of questions about death, life, life after death, mom what was it like for you, sadness...anything you can think of. Then they saw one of the boys at the park and something happened I didnt expect.

I have been promising my sons to take them to the dollar store for days. Finally tonight I had to go to the grocery store to pick something up, happiness the dollar store is right next door. So I tell the boys lets go...they run to get ready. As we are in the car on the way over John says, Hey mom cant we get something for W and D? (I dont want to use their names as I do not have the mothers permission) I say well i dont have enough money tonight but maybe tomorrow we can come and figure something out. John says he brought his wallet and will gladly take care of the cost. (whos kid is this anyway?) We scurry into the pharmacy/grocery store and they disappear to the cards. They find just the right card, a beautiful sympathy one and some Jelly Bellys for the boys to have. (Seriously who doesnt love jelly bellys????) This is a bag with 40 different kinds. What the heck lets do this boys, I say.

I buy the items and we move to the dollar store quickly there isnt much time its getting late and I dont want to show up at this families door really late.

As an aside I must put in here that the mother has asked to see no visitors and I cant blame her. I think to myself I cannot show up at her door, it would be so rude. So I am thinking how do we deliver this thing, what am I going to do....well more on that in a minute

My sons immediately find something for both W and D. Jake is drawn to some small balls with super heroes on them. This familys theme to me is Super Heroes, the mom does a blog and super heroes has been a steady part of her blog. Jake picks up this ball and says Mom I think H would love this ball, it would remind him that his dad is his hero (H is about 2ish) Thats right people go ahead and bawl, because i am sitting here know doing it. I couldnt in the store I said you know you are right bud, his dad IS his hero.

In the same aisle John found 2 kites, Jake found some cereal (because all boys need cereal when they feel crappy or sad according to him) some candy and I put in a box of tissues as I am sure they are needed. The boys found a gift bag and we went and paid. John said hey mom I got this...takes out his wallet to pay, I cant let him do it, I pay and he hugs me and says Mom, I am sorry it was so hard for you. (SERIOUSLY WHERE did these kids come from) We leave the store, both boys sign the card and we are off.

I found the house (I had never been there before) and off they go to the front door. I stand back and watch, what unfolds is something I cannot describe. They knock, its dark and a light appears in the cracked door frame. My boys say Hey we were hoping this gift would bring you some fun...The joy I heard from D and W about the kite make my heart soar. In a time of such trial, sorrow and grief, the joy of a child can overwhelm your heart. The smiles I saw from afar, the peace and joy on their faces from a small token of love was more than I could contain. My sons amaze me in their thoughts of others. Is this what a priesthood holder is? Is this what benevolence and kindness are? Is this the makings of men from my home? How have they found in themselves an ability to give more than they have? I surely am not a good preacher of such things as I want so much and wish constantly for more. The small squeals of joy from that little dollar store bag brought more joy to my sons than I had expected.

On the short (they only live a few blocks away) ride home John said I hope they get to fly their kites and the sadness will go away. Jake said its like Mary Poppins Lets Go Fly a Kite. They both giggled and began to sing the song. OH WHAT you dont know it.... well here is a link

I know how much this family loves music...

Like the song says Lets go fly a kite up to the highest heights....so I hope those boys can go fly a kite and and know that their father is watching them forever. Waiting to be with them and hold them again.

At the same time I have somehow gained these sons, who were hell to get here, these treasures were sent to me by a loving God who thought enough of me to take care of them. To somehow make them into men. Granted I have a lot of help, Shane is a great example. Shane has given them the tools to become men not only in the gospel but in the world. I may never know what happened after the door closed on that home but I hope that Jelly Bellys and the thoughts of flying a kite, brought some kid a bit of joy.

This post may not be as animated but i had to get it out...and if you havent had a chance go watch Mary Poppins and then go fly a kite!!!

Answer?? Possibly....

Over the past few days I have been trying to really figure out what makes me so pissy (besides my job and just being me) What is it that makes me feel so grumpy all of the time? Especially Sunday...Sunday seems to be the day when I am especially mad at the world and wondering why life is the way it is. Today I (sort of ) received and answer, may not be the complete answer but its close to it.

It started off as a normal day, I felt really good waking up at 5.40am and just laying in the dark listening to my sound machine. I was wondering what the day will bring. I cant lay there long or i go back to sleep so i started to stir and thought, Please Lord, let today be better than yesterday. Lord please help me to find some peace in  myself, my life, my soul. Somehow show me a way to find happiness, not sure how You are gonna do it but make it work for me. Then I remembered the day before.....

It had been a long day at work, I had been yelled at and called a few choice words by some idiot and I realized that I am not that. I have thought all my life that I am a bitchy person. In fact, I have been told quite often that I am and need to stop being that way (thank you Sarah). Yet, somehow I realized that I was NOT, never had been, never was. On my way home from work, I stopped off at my other job and purchased an item for a family who was in need. Now I say in need but they paid me back. As I was walking through the store I realized that I am actually helping someone and I do that often. I then got the chance to sit at my friends house and just talk. We have not had the chance to talk in a while, and sitting with her made me realize that I am not what I think I am. She asked me questions that were important, she was genuinely concerned about ME. I think I dont get that as much as I need. I think I am a giver, a server and often do not think of me. My friend asked things like How is your food (she helped me with my weight loss) or How are the children and How do you FEEL about that or are you feeling like YOU are in a good place, most importantly WHY dont you feel good what do you need to feel that....Granted she has no idea (well now she does) that she did this and it has taken an entire 24 hours for me to figure it out but I think I have found some sense of happiness, a little.

After the (short, very short) visit with her I came home to a hubs who had made a super delicious dinner of enchiladas (with guacamole and sour cream both of which he despises). Watching my family eat and laugh at a dinner made with tender love and care for me....unspeakable.

Then to my workout with my girlfriend. I wasnt sure about this one because it was an ab work out and I hate abs! I wanted to do a good job for her, what did I find but someone who cares about me. She asked all kinds of questions about me, How are you coping with your job, How do you feel daily, Do you have a councilor to help you (said no and then she threatened to talk to the hubs about that) I think she did an amazing job with her work out...it was hard how do I know she slightly swore at me under her breath, or maybe out loud. Then she said we are going to the temple to find some peace so lets do it!! Thoughts of me..

This morning and the day went by and my girl says lets go get our nails done I dont want too. But I go, picts you ask ok

Mine are lovely with a pretty flower and some blue polish

Brendas are pretty cool and she is, as always looking lovely in the camera.

While all of this is going on Brenda and I found that a man in our ward died very unexpectedly today. He has 4 children under the age of 12 with a lovely wife. It was sudden and certainly a strange thing. My sadness can consume me sometimes and I realized that the ages of his children are about the ages of me and some of my younger siblings when our mum died. I cannot do much now for this lovely woman except send thoughts and prayers of support and love. She has a wonderful family who has come to take care of her. What a treasure. I hope to help her when things settle and she knows I am around....

What it comes down to for me is that I need to be told more often that I am important. That I matter in someones life. I need to be asked the questions of HOW...WHAT...WHY...from people who will not let me bullshit them, not let me change the subject, not let me shy away from what I need. So over the past 2 days I have realized (just a little) that the Lord sends people in my way to make sure I dont BS people. My sisters are great ones to know when I am lying (over the phone miles away)...so now how do I find a way to keep this up? Well I have found some ladies who will not let me be stupid so I must hang with them more often, I hope they dont mind.

Oh and my ab workout?? Ya it hurts quite a bit today, quite a bit.....