Silence

Have you ever just sat in silence? I mean completely quiet, no noise, no cell phones, music, car engines, radio.....nothing....

I dont do this often or ever really.  Silence is hard I end up with my thoughts that sometimes are scary, depressing, frustrating, most of all(and probably worst) angry.

So I went to a pretty awesome place the other day where I could do exactly that....sit in silence. I hadnt been there in a long while mostly because I have been struggling with life, in so many ways. As I sat in the room next to my friend I zoned everything out, incuding my friend (sorry lady you know who you are). I tried to push aside my anger with life, the fact that I had to go grocery shopping (which I hate), that my oldest is moving on with life....the myriad of thoughts a mom and crazy person has.

Picture a room with soft cozy colors, lights that shine through beautiful crystals.  Soft comfort under your feet with thick carpet as well as a comfortable chair you sink into. The chair envelopes you giving you a virtual hug. You are comfortably set in your clothing and the thoughts start coming. What do you first think of?? I have a list first is my brothers and sisters, my children, my hubs, my mother...then some other random thoughts,  then I realize my thoughts turn to me, myself and I. Mostly those thoughts are negative....why, is this how I have trained myself?

Alone with my thoughts and wondering where I am in life.  What choices have brought me to this quiet solitude to find introspection? Good question, of which I have no answer too. Frankly no desire to answer it. Was I running or in denial what was going on? Then it hit me....I am ok. I am just fine being who I am. I am me and if others dont like it they can stick it. Its too hard to make mysrlf what others want...I am NOT a typical western Mormon. I cant hide in the ridiculous notion that God is going to make everything alright, make pain go away, cure depression, fix the broken things I see. Faith is hard, tough, painful...doing life alone is not meant to be. Sure I have an awesome  hubs amazing brothers and sisters, fair parental units whatever, but in reality we walk the lonely road alone. (Addendum: I know I have guides and plenty of help but I and I alone make the choices in my life)

As we say at out house "Aint nobody got time fo dat"....feeling sorry or living in a world made of a Mormon (Christian if you will) mirage...be real people life sucks, For some more than others...but sometimes sitting in silence can make you realize the strength you thought you didnt have.

Phew this blog is gonna have to end if this is gonna be how it goes....or its going private....seriously who wants to know this crap anyway!