Joy? Lets find it

This week has been a mixture of all kinds of emotions. Seems like i have been on a roller coaster this week. I was super excited to have Erin come to visit. She is a sister I have from another mother and having her around makes my life happy. I knew she was coming and yet I still had to mourn with a friend. For those of you who know me death is a tough thing for me. This month is especially hard as my younger brother died a few years ago this month. (This is another story for another day)

My first thoughts are for my friends children. She has a daughter who is 12....I took some time at the funeral to speak with her about what she was feeling and the things that I did when my mom died. I explained that the worst part is when everyone is gone and the house is silent...that damned silence. I know for me I felt it a responsibility to take care of the other kids. I know, it wasnt my job, but at the same time I am not sure I was told or even encouraged to not be in charge. (another story for another time) I think I have a lot of "another stories" I have to keep track. It was a good chat with this young lady who has quite a road a head of her. the world sucks sometimes but she is a good girl.

As an aside if you dont drink a lot of water you should start. Water is so good for your body. I do love a good Diet Coke (when ever I say that I know my sister Eileen cringes). So water, I sort of took it on myself to make sure my friend had some water. So for an hour or so I stood behind her while she greeted people and fed her water. It was all I could do for her as I had no words, not a single thing to say (surprise!) As I left that funeral I realized that I always have someone at my back feeding me water, encouragement, love, support. Mari doesnt have him here with her anymore but he is there and will hang with her in her heart to encourage and support. I wish is for Mari to find joy, support, love encouragement and someone to hold her cup of water to move her forward in life.

Lets face it life is tough, but joy is always around the corner if we watch for it. I found some today while at work and layoffs began...people around me who have been there longer than I are being sent on their way while I stay. Somehow I am staying. Its a comfort to know that I am worth something, valued in my job. I dont love my job but I observed 2 things today. I am gonna throw them out there and see what you think.

One guy who I work with comes to work everyday in a pressed shirt, tie and dress slacks. He doesnt have much money as he rides the bus home (to Nampa) a 2 bus run and 2 hour ride. Yet everyday he comes in happy to have a job, I need to be happy also, and work for something better.

Another lovely lady I work with has taken to talking to me about her frustrations. (another aside why does this happen to me? Why do people always open up and tell me things? I often wonder what it is about me that makes people that comfortable). I have known this woman only at work, she is my lead supervisor, and yet we have had some wonderful discussions about the importance of womanhood, motherhood, employee. She is a hard working woman and I am in awe of her stamina. She has a small baby and 2 other children along with 2 step children and works full time. I am amazed by her.

I have learned to find joy in horrible, terrible, sorrowful, stressful, angering, frustrating circumstances. Sometimes they are little sparks, sometimes they are like lights shining around me and I cannot contain the joy. most times the sparks are just enough to have me make the next step, other times the next leap.

Life is hard but having Erin come and stay always gives me the shining light I need to keep going. To know that the joy in life is forever there..even if its cheesecake and wishing for a haircut and having ice cream.