Laura, Dreams, Uncle John

I have a friend who writes in a blog pretty regularly. As i write in mine i wish that others would write more, so i could have a little peak into their lives. I am always curious as to what is going with my brothers and sisters. I have found that my children are quite close and I am grateful for it. I am glad they want to be together and live close by. Most nights we cant get the children to leave our room and go to bed because they want to spend time with us. It is an interesting thing to be a part of. My husband does not remember that growing up. He remembers being told to go to bed and being expected to be in it. There wasnt a lot of love shown in his home growing up, that he remembers. I do have to say that he does not remember long stretches of his life due to illness, but what he does remember is not always nice and wonderful. I think for me it was intermittent. My mother was not much of a touchy feeley person, dad is to a point but i dont think I am. It creates some troubles for me know as i have to remember daily to be that way with my children. My step mother is more huggy and stuff so i deal with that the best i can. I think, dealing with childhood trauma (ie loosing a mother) creates sort of a weird way of showing emotion and stuff. There was much less discipline in my home and way way over the top in my husbands home. So we had to find a balance. Also the religious aspect of both of our homes was sometimes over zealous or just a part of life. There wasnt a great balance.

Shane and I have spent a lot of time talking about how to deal with our children as they have grown. I realized today as i sat in church how great my children are turning out. It has been a hard road for some of my kids. Some of them have a it a bit easier. Some will say that we shouldnt have had so many children, especially with all that i struggle with. I am sure that could be argued to the positive, at the same time i cant imagine life without one of those crazy beasts. We spent  a lot of years not having much at all, but what we did have was viewed as a blessing. I am sure there were those looking in who shook their heads and wondered what the hell we were doing. Again i realized today we have created 5 humans who are good, kind, loving, compassionate, love God, understanding, wild, crazy, smart....the list could go on. Do they have faults? i am sure they do but i try not to see them. I want them to find the joy in life.

Laura was at work the other night, one of her co-workers asked her what she was going to do with her life. She stated that she was going to go on a mission. This co-worker then berated her for making that decision. The co-worker then went to the boss and asked to never be scheduled with Laura, because she did not want to work with someone who "was wasting her life on something not real". Laura and I had been talking for quite a while about her compassion for others and often she is OVER compassionate. She feels too much, too long, too deep. Sometimes she has to let it go and realize that others make choices we are not going to like. After we talked about this co-worker her worry was that she would no longer have a job. I explained she can always find a new job, but standing for your convictions is a good thing. Interestingly, she is more upset and sad that this person will not be her friend, then she is worried about the job. I admire that, how many of us would not worry about our job, but worry about others around us? I know she is 16 (almost 17) and has all of life to be jaded but i want to hold that un-jaded view in my heart for a bit.

I have been having some very strange dreams lately that have to do with this jaded/unjaded feeling of life around me. One which is reoccurring is of me and my Uncle John. Its odd, when i was visiting last year in Scotland, it was like i had found a new person to be my friend. Something in him is admirable, kind, loving, understanding. I get why his lovely wife is so enamored with him. At the same time he is a bit of a rebel and i think and i am sure he saw that in me. (Often i wonder if my mum looks down on me and is happy that i have had the chance to spend time with John) Anyway, we are walking along some of the streets in Edinburgh. We stop into a pub and order food. There is a window we are looking out of and observing people walking by. He is explaining his life, his family, the history of where we are (he has quite a bit of knowledge), then he looks at me in the face and tells me of his love for me. Its odd because of the spot we are sitting in, but as i look around we are then at my brothers wedding and he has tears of love and kindness telling me how proud my mum is of me. How much my grandparents would have loved to see me at this age. That whatever struggle i have, he is there, always there...never leaving. In the end of the dream my aunts show up, and much laughter ensues (Susan talking fast, L1 and L2 taking photos and explaining everything) Ron is there calm and quiet and putting in a line or 2 of humor, but my mother is missing. They are all happy with just a hint of sadness...is this because I am on his mind. Scotland is 7 hours a head of us, so i like to think he is thinking of me while i am sleeping and so it shows in my dreams. Often, i awake and look at those photos i have of my aunts and uncles and thank Heaven and mum I have them.

The other dream i have is more ominous. I am walking down the middle of the street, its dark, my children are behind me, Shane is ahead of me. On one side of the road its so dark, pitch black almost, like bombs have gone off, people are hurt and looking for solace, but there is none to give. On the other side of us, are nice houses, cars, money places to hide safety, but we are stuck in the middle of the road. There is light all around us, we have what we need, we are safe as long as we stay walking in the road, there are people ahead of us and behind us, Brenda and Skyler are with us with their children, but we are all attached. I always wake up from this dream as we enter a beautiful garden where there is shelter, cool water, food, peace. The housing are simple tents with wood stoves in them we have all we need. Sure its not a big house, there are no fancy cars, in fact no cars at all, just wagons and horses ( think simplicity ). Our family is safe, but the looming darkness is always there, we can leave if we want, to the big houses, the nice cars. When i open my bag i am carrying i see the photos of my family, my mother, father, step mother, aunts uncles (on dad/mums side) grandparents, i realize i am safe. Yet i want to go to the darkness, its a never ending battle, turmoil in my soul, I struggle in the dream and there is never and end.

Faith is something i depend on to make it through my everyday life. I am not someone who likes much touching, hugging whatever i had to explain that to someone the other day and give her an explanation of why. That was hard for me. I was grateful she understood, she was kind and made me realize that I am ok, day to day i am ok. I think we all struggle with something. It can be anything, Weight, Food, Drugs, Alcohol, Money, Feelings of Inadequacy, Learning Disabilities....the list goes on, but if we have some sort of  faith in something, God, ourselves, whatever, that you can overcome...then why cant you overcome?  These dreams, can i overcome? Can i find the peace i need? Sure i can, just takes some times, some great memories, and faith to know that i am a daughter of good parents and of God and He will guide me through. So i think back on my Uncle John, rebellious but through the years strong kind loving understanding. I know that no matter where i am in the world I am thought of....and its GLORIOUS, the turmoil stops for just a moment.

This is my sister Sarah and my Uncle John (looking smashing) at my brothers wedding

Robins, Brown eyes, Grateful

Round about the end of January I came out after work and there were about 10-12 robins just hanging out in one of the trees at the front of the building. The day was dreary and overcast the snow had piled up so high on the sidewalks and in the lot that it seemed there was no end the the sadness of winter. But there were the robins. Just hanging in the tree, singing and scavenging for food. Some of the trees and bushes by the building i work in have fruit and the birds were chowing down. I stood there and watched for a bit, in wonder at the creations of the earth. The photos arent that fabulous but trust me i was so happy to see the end of winter was coming. The moon had changed a few days before and the smell in the air was different. Spring is coming.

When Jake was born i was so excited for a couple of reasons. 1. was that i was DONE having children. 2. after a few days i realized this boy had the most beautiful brown eyes. Every once in a while he indulges me and lets me take a photo of his eye(s). His dad thinks i favor him but really i just enjoy him. That kid makes everyone laugh, gives me love when he sees i am down, has an intuition about others in need. He is kind. Not sure where he came from but he is amazing. I mean seriously look at that eye?!

Some of my favorite food is Cabbage, carrots, and RED potatoes. I love red potatoes. The hubs went and bought some as he knew i was missing my New England food. I miss fresh seafood, boiled dinner, cake donuts from JJ Nissen. (this is a shout out to anyone who wants to send some along). Just miss the food. Maybe because its all comfort but either way, the dinnah above was so glorious i had to take a photo to remember. Just missing the turnip....

There has been tons of illness in our house over the last month. John has had pneumonia 2 times, Jake and Laura had bacterial bronchitis, I had pneumonia and Makayla topped it off with a double ear infection. It has taken about a solid month to get all of the illness out of the house (not to mention all of the visits to urgent care). Brenda and Skyler had a flu which has not been good for her as she has been so sick with her pregnancy. She is finally at about 17 weeks or so and can keep food down without feeling sick so now she is eating quite a bit. Skyler is making sure she eats whatever she wants as she lost about 25 lbs in the first 16 weeks. She isnt even showing yet really just a tiny belly but she wont let me post any photos yet. Skyler says yes so its something we will have to work on. 

I posted this as my Valentines day post. I love how it turned out. My funny family. I love them all. They make me smile, cry, yell, scream, feel joy....love them. 

Took this photo the other day on the way to work. The weather is turning, the morning sky is beautiful, my ride to work is full of the morning sunrise over the Rocky Mountains. Its lovely. Kind of serene. I try to listen to something soft and calming in the morning so I am ready for the day. 

I have been working on being calmer, thoughtful, kinder...would i say its working? No, but i am working on it. Work has been easier to deal with, my mates around me are amazing and so kind to me, even when i dont deserve it. They smile when i need it and give me strength. My kiddos are fabulous and kind always supportive and understanding. My husband is one of the best guys a girl could ask for. He is very busy working under tons of stress but always finds time to pay attention to me and love me. I am grateful....i need to write more so i remember how grateful i am...what makes you grateful?

An apology

Throwing out apologies is not my forte, but i am going to. Let me say first this is my blog. If you, the reader, take anything i write personally that is on you. At the same time, I have to be more careful of what i say and when. I am trying to become a better stronger person. Its not working as well as I had hoped but then i am a work in process.

I know my post was rude inconsiderate and unkind, but i felt and feel that i have to always defend myself. I have felt this way for many years. Since i decided to stay a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. None of my siblings are practicing members anymore (or members at all). I am totally cool with whatever their choice is for religion or life for that matter. As the oldest daughter who went through quite a bit of trial between the ages of 18-20 I would say, my siblings are the ones who supported me and walked me through the processes needed to come out on the other side a better person. I know without them I would not have made it.

All that being said, i am sorry for being inconsiderate, unkind, not thoughtful enough...whatever it is. I had to gain some ground in my life. I think it is something we all do. Sometimes the thought provoking processes we have break us down to our core and we have to build ourselves back up. We have to set new ground rules, new parameters for ourselves to work with. I work with a lady at work who has struggled with severe depression in the last few years. So much more that she has had to be put in the hospital for it. She is keen on figuring out if i am struggling or need a hello from her. Funny how those of us who suffer can really connect. A day or so after my last post i was really struggling to make sense of my stupidity and explained what the ramifications were of my actions. She kindly listened and then took the time to really talk back to me about how i could make things be a bit smoother. She gave me kind words. Understanding, she is no longer a member of the church either and has huge discrepancies with the church. I am totally ok with all of her views, I was grateful she could give me others point of view without anger.

I also talked to my hubs about it. He of course is very protective of me and found that i gained strength from getting out my views. At the same time he encouraged me to be open to those whom i may have hurt and take the information in from them and work on relationships. I have done that. I have found that I am strengthened and have gained more strength from being open with how i feel about things.

Working through depression, anxiety, motherhood, sisterhood whatever -hood i am in is hard. I want to be and do the best i can. Finding ways to be happy and strong is what i am working on. Always on a finding path. I think that is what life is about. I suppose i will hurt someone again, if i do i am sorry, i am still a work in progress...still...

For my siblings I cant tell you how much i love all of you. Spouses(significant others) come and go (sometimes) but i have found my siblings have always been there. Well except for the one who decided to take a drive off the road. Either way my love for them abounds, more than i can say. Even when i screw it up, they still love me.