An apology

Throwing out apologies is not my forte, but i am going to. Let me say first this is my blog. If you, the reader, take anything i write personally that is on you. At the same time, I have to be more careful of what i say and when. I am trying to become a better stronger person. Its not working as well as I had hoped but then i am a work in process.

I know my post was rude inconsiderate and unkind, but i felt and feel that i have to always defend myself. I have felt this way for many years. Since i decided to stay a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. None of my siblings are practicing members anymore (or members at all). I am totally cool with whatever their choice is for religion or life for that matter. As the oldest daughter who went through quite a bit of trial between the ages of 18-20 I would say, my siblings are the ones who supported me and walked me through the processes needed to come out on the other side a better person. I know without them I would not have made it.

All that being said, i am sorry for being inconsiderate, unkind, not thoughtful enough...whatever it is. I had to gain some ground in my life. I think it is something we all do. Sometimes the thought provoking processes we have break us down to our core and we have to build ourselves back up. We have to set new ground rules, new parameters for ourselves to work with. I work with a lady at work who has struggled with severe depression in the last few years. So much more that she has had to be put in the hospital for it. She is keen on figuring out if i am struggling or need a hello from her. Funny how those of us who suffer can really connect. A day or so after my last post i was really struggling to make sense of my stupidity and explained what the ramifications were of my actions. She kindly listened and then took the time to really talk back to me about how i could make things be a bit smoother. She gave me kind words. Understanding, she is no longer a member of the church either and has huge discrepancies with the church. I am totally ok with all of her views, I was grateful she could give me others point of view without anger.

I also talked to my hubs about it. He of course is very protective of me and found that i gained strength from getting out my views. At the same time he encouraged me to be open to those whom i may have hurt and take the information in from them and work on relationships. I have done that. I have found that I am strengthened and have gained more strength from being open with how i feel about things.

Working through depression, anxiety, motherhood, sisterhood whatever -hood i am in is hard. I want to be and do the best i can. Finding ways to be happy and strong is what i am working on. Always on a finding path. I think that is what life is about. I suppose i will hurt someone again, if i do i am sorry, i am still a work in progress...still...

For my siblings I cant tell you how much i love all of you. Spouses(significant others) come and go (sometimes) but i have found my siblings have always been there. Well except for the one who decided to take a drive off the road. Either way my love for them abounds, more than i can say. Even when i screw it up, they still love me.