Down, UP, Love

This week has been unusually difficult for me. I am actually quite surprised by my emotional state. I am not sure how it started or even what triggered it but eh...it is what it is. I got a wonderful call from my sister in law on Sunday. Surprisingly it was during church. I heard my phone ring and realized it was her. In my phone she is  AMY B F....whenever i see it it makes me smile just a little bit. I am honestly surprised that she takes the time to talk to me and get to know me. She is so out of my league, she is everything i would want to be from what i know. But our discussion on Sunday made her more real to me. She asked me honest questions and i tried to give really honest and sincere answers to her about what she is up against. It is interesting that we struggle with some of the same issues.

Isnt it interesting that we as a human race, struggle with the same things but we are not aware? Until we finally come into contact with someone and find some common ground. Amy is someone i would have never met or associated with, but the more we chat with each other the more we find support. We have very wide and varied differences but i enjoy finding common ground with her, other than her husband (my brother).

Sometimes families have things that are not discussed out side of our home until the right time. As of right now there are a few things I am not going to bring up, for the sake of this post, know there are some similarities within our families which Amy and I were discussing. I felt that she really took the time to understand me. She was so considerate of my feelings and what the future would bring for our family and how it affects her and Darryll. (dont worry this will all make sense in a while, just not yet...get off my back and dont get in a tizzy i will let you know)It was a wonderful conversation but at the same time I think some sadness overtook me. The main reason for her call was to see if i was making it through the day well, it was the anniversary of my mothers death.

This lovely lady on the left is my mum when she was much much younger....possibly in her teens I believe. 

Since Sunday i have been working hard on keeping my head above water so to speak. I am glad Christmas is here. My kiddos are all going to be here on Christmas Eve and it will be a good time. I am going to take some good  photos....This week i have talked a lot to Shane about how I am feeling and he has been so kind and understanding. I found a wonderful new friend at work whom has taken the time to really get to know me. She takes me as I am and understands when i swear, but encourages me to be a good person as well.....here are some parts of a note she wrote me over our messaging system at work. 

"By the way...on the softer side, more sensitive side of things...yep, I'm going to lay ti on thick because everyone who is a friend with me knows I'm the mushy one! But, Thank you for sharing with me that you miss your mom, because I was with my mom this past weekend...my mom kind of drove me crazy, she tries hard, but still....I know she loves me. So hearing you say you miss your mom, made me realize I need to stop being a brat and be more grateful. Two...Please let me say how sorry I am that you have to miss your mom and that she's not here with you now and that you've had to go so many years without her. I can't imagine that. So from a friend to a friend, I'm giving you a big hug. Life throws rocks in places that are tough to recover from and will always hurt, but thank goodness there are soft places to fall when you need the comfort. I know you hate the mushy...but you're getting it anyway!....thanks for putting so many smiles on my face on days that you didnt realize I really needed someone to make ME smile..."

This sweet lady will have no idea how much this means to me. She is amazing. Today when i got up i didnt think i couldnt make it through the day, seeing her smile and tell me i am ok made me better than i thought. I found that she could listen to me, i can tell her things. It has been a long time since i could talk to anyone about what is going on. There are a few, very few who reach out to me when they see a post and know....in fact there is just one...

I have a new appreciation for my mother, my sister in laws (who keep me connected to my brothers), my mothers family who remind me so much of my mother and love me so much. I know this time of year is so difficult for my siblings, for me I have solace in knowing that I will see her again. I know she hangs around, when she can, loves on my children when she can...just there are times I can feel her with me. I know that I will be with my brother Malcolm again, i know that he loves on me and the children, I know he takes care of those little ones who were here once and have gone home and the ones who are coming to be in our family. I also know my siblings dont necessarily follow what i believe but for me this brings a peace that i need. 

I know my family loves me, they may not like me sometimes, or understand me ever...but they love me. I send them love when i can. I am happy when they tell me back or acknowledge me. I am grateful to have them and for all of the people they have chosen to be in their lives...and for the nieces and nephews who have come along. They are amazing. 

On to Christmas......Christmas Eve dinner for us and some new traditions as now Brenda and Skyler are married....Moral of this story??? Not sure there is one just had to get this out of my head. Not sure it makes any sense to any one but to me...its out...I love you sisters in law...and brother in law...i am grateful to have you .....

Boys, Christmas, Mammogram

When Shanes beard was gone a cool guy from the ward brought by this awesome hat. The boys absolutely loved it. Jake wears it as much as he can. He loves it. It has been so cold here in Idaho. In the negative temperatures and there has been a few snow storms. There is another one coming in tonight and tomorrow. The snow storms are nasty as well, like snow, ice, rain, ice, snow...its a mess. Then it warms up a bit and goes down into the negative temps. Granted our family knows how to deal with it but here in Idaho people get strange. They all of a sudden dont know how to drive. I suppose its not their fault they dont know. Also the use of salt/sand is not even thought about here. They use this ridiculous deicer crap that is frankly useless. It makes the roads slushy then it freezes and makes the roads worse. Silly really. Look at my boys...happy as pie with a hat that has a beard attached....makes me chuckle.

Speaking of snow and crap, there was an actual snow day last week and i opted to stay home with the children. The roads were terrible, i just dont have a desire to wreck my car. Also Shanes car is on the fitz so i stayed with my kiddos. Thought it would be fun, i have to remind myself that is not always the best idea. I mean they are great but some days they just want to kill...well certain children want to kill certain children then i have to get angry, then i slam doors, then one yells and it just turns into a mad house really not worth it. 

On a positive side for the first time in my married life Shane went Christmas shopping with me and of course we got it all done in one swoop. I suppose that is how he is. I am sure he will go out again. We usually have a small budget for Christmas and this year was no different. He came up with some good ideas so i am letting it go at that. I have some more stories about our shopping spree (of which is was not cause i dont call anything under 150$ a shopping spree) but i cannot talk about them yet. When i can i will tell you about them. Family secrets have to stay until they can be exposed!!!!

I made the boys dig out our little christmas tree and the decorations. I have been asking since Thanksgiving. Anyone who knows me knows i could care less if we have decorations at all, BUT this year something feels different. We are in our own house doing our own thing. We dont feel obligated to go anywhere and nobody is coming for the holiday. I wanted everything up so we could enjoy the christmas lights in the house. Of course getting the stuff out was harder than i expected. We have a shed outside and Shane apparently has the only key. Every time i asked them to get the stuff out he wasnt home. Whatever, i finally got the boys to get the stuff out and John got the honors of pulling out the tree figuring out how to make it stand (we have lost one of the little feet to help it stand) and decorating it. I would say he did a fine job. 

Jake on the other hand decided he wanted to put up lights. I told him to do what he wanted. Our house whatever holes he wants to put in the walls i dont care. So he strung up the lights through the front room. Makes our house a bit sweeter. I love the lights in the house. I remember when i had Laura we had some lights strung up from Christmas still hanging and sitting up with her at night and nursing her under those lights. Makes for fond memories of peaceful time with Laura as a baby. 

So I have been trying to take more photos lately of all of us together. Laura got a selfie stick for Christmas from someone so we tried to use it. Well it didnt work very well...ok not at all...so Makayla is stretching out and pushing the button to take the photo...I love this. Shane had walked in the door and he doesnt like photos of himself or to be on this blog but look there we are. I suppose i should have done this more when Brenda was home, she can do it with her family i guess...Maybe at Christmas when they are home i will do it again??? Getting Shane to be in on it is the tough part. 

See this machine? If you are a woman and over 40 you should know this machine intimately. Or it should know your boobies. This year i had to go back 2 times to have a mammogram done as well as an ultrasound as there was a small node they are watching and have been watching. I did not want to see this damned thing again.The node they are looking at is almost by my chest wall, let me tell you that is a shitty place to have them looking at. Its way down deep and i dont have small breastcles...These boobies have been the bane of my existence for a while, well since they appeared really. So my mother seemed to have some trouble with hers and then death arrived. So I figure i should keep up with mine. I bothered my friend at work so much she is going to get her first mammogram as well. I really like her, She makes me laugh. I warned her about it, but i also told her she needs to be around for her kids, and be a good example to her daughter...I mean everyone should get their boobs squished, to the point of no return, or where you want to scream Uncle. Or where you have a bruise under your armpit....but when you raise your arm to shower the next day you know...I am still here, I am okay, my kids will still have me for the next while, I may even be here to have some grandchildren show up? Lucky me Huh??? Unlucky for my Mum...but I know she is watching and loving every minute of my boob squishing adventures....GO GET YOURS DONE...if you are of age of course and need toooooo

The Shaving of the Beard

Shane has been known for a while for his beard. Yes he loves his beard. Its been a part of our married life for years. Really as long as I can remember. Maybe the first few years he shaved but then after a while he was working in really cold weather. Living in Maine in the winter the temperatures can go really low...minus 40 windshield is what i remember. The wind can blow through your house cracks and make you chilled to the bone. Not to mention the amount of snow we would get. Sometimes it would snow for days and we would be stuck in our house. Tons of snow and cold windy weather creates a lonely time. Shane worked outside and the rule was if he truck started he went to work.

Needless to say one year he grew a beard through the winter. Saved his face, was fun for the kids as he would come home with icicles hanging off it. The kids loved to see that. If he was snow blowing outside his beard would get caked with snow and then he would shake it over the kids. He would also pick up the kids and throw them in the piles of snow. That is for another day when i start digging out photos and putting them in my blog...

When we moved to Idaho he shaved once or twice i think but then started growing it out in the winter and then shaving it around our Anniversary (May). Then one year he decided not to shave. I was NOT happy about this choice. I was so angry for a while i would not talk to anyone about it and i mean a year...i just figured I didnt matter. He didnt care what i thought. After a long while, (remember i said a long long while) i just gave up and figured never mind. He loves it and it makes him happy. Over the years he lets it grow out or he trims it up, this photo below is the longest it has been in forever. It hadnt been trimmed in a long time. I will explain that in a moment. He would get teased by his father about that beard and every time his dad pulled on his beard he would grab his hand and say Dad, dont touch my beard...if the kids pulled on it he would say the same thing Dont pull on my beard...only little babies could pull on that nest of hair and he would smile. He has conditioner he uses to keep it soft and nice. I have to say he is always kind about making sure it wasnt in my face...sounds stupid but...he is so kind and thoughtful. 

Shane is an Elders Quorum President in our Ward. For those of you who dont know what that is, he is responsible for about 200 men and their needs as well as their families. Within this quorum of men they are all assigned to visit each other whether or not they come to church. Out of those 200 men there are quite a few who dont come to church, there are men who are unemployed and struggling with that, some who are young and newly married, some who are older than Shane, divorce, separations, also those who have new babies, are in some sort of recovery anything you can think of, he deals with these men and has met every single one of them and loves EVERY SINGLE ONE of them. Shane is nothing but LOYAL to you once he has met you. He finds the good in you and sticks to it, even if you burn him he will still find the good and keep pushing you to do better. He encourages not only the men but the wives of those men and their children no matter the age. Maybe i am biased but I am sure if you ask anyone who knows him, you will get this same response. He will be firm with you and tell you the cold hard truth, but then love you and help you find the answer you need. I dare say sometimes he is way better with others than me...but that is to be expected i am his wife....

So the deal he made when he took on this service to these men was that if they would go and visit the men they were assigned to teach he would reward them. Now most people do not know the rewards that Shane gives, but they are good. We had not been in the ward very long when he was requested to do this so actually nobody knew us. There are percentages that the Quorum as a whole has to hit and they made a goal of 70% of the Home Teaching (as it is called) would be done. He went before them and they came up with a number. When they hit the first goal he fed them smoked turkey, the 70% had to be held steady for 6 months and then they would be able to shave his beard. 70% is huge by the way. Most Elders Quorums have an average of 30-40% if you are lucky. This is a huge thing considering the area we live in and the amount of people we have in our ward. Home Teaching can be a strain on a family, but in the long run is a blessing, you find friendship, love, companionship. You can find a safe person to help when you feel like there is no other. I had been asking for years for him to shave this beard. You would think that me, being his wife, would have some sway but not I. I gave up years ago requesting he shave it. He loves it and it is part of him, so i let it go. 

Here he is after. The video is long so i am posting the photo of him here. I have to say when i walked in and the beard was gone i almost burst into tears. I was so grateful to have that face back in my hands. I dont think i have stopped kissing him. Its nice to not have the pokey mustache in my nose. 

I have been thinking lately about how much service we as a family do. I wonder often times if people see what we do. Often, we are up late doing things for others. Through our married life I cannot think of a time when we have not given time, energy or money to others. As we have become more well off money wise we have given more. His job has given him the opportunity to be home early, take care of the kids and spend time working on his men. I dare say he is much better at the service thing than I, he even sacrificed to have our daughters and I go to Scotland/England to visit my family, then to Massachusetts/Maine a few months later to see my siblings. As a family we try to find ways to give him joy and support him. He NEVER asks for anything nor does he want anything. Even when treats are brought to our house, he gives to the kids first, unless they are marked for him. So when you see him, say hello, give him a smile, tell him how he has affected your life...he will be humble and say he doesnt deserve it...more than anything he is one of the most humble men i have ever met. Sure he is is a Redneck, Republican, Mountain Man, but he knows God loves him, he knows he is nothing without God and the church...Dont let on, he doesnt like to be in the spotlight, he certainly doesnt like to be in this blog...but how can i not write about someone who is as great as him??? I love him, forever.

Here is the video it is long and you can watch if you want. 

Family, Plates, Leap

Shane and the boys do a lot of service projects. Sometimes more than i wish they would do. They are always busy. I have to say most people dont know how much time Shane gives in service to others. Sometimes the amount of time drives me crazy and i want to scream cause i would like to have him home. Then I realize that we get blessed in return. Many nights when he is gone I get time with the kids, the kids get time to do what they want, I get time alone.

Shane cuts trees, most people know that, most of the time I dont mind him going to cut trees down. Sometimes i get pretty upset when he has to go and cut trees, often times the trees are in a crappy place and a hard cut. I do not usually go, but this time i did. The boys have so much fun and they have their own chainsaws. It makes for a fun time for them. John and Jake saw this log and wanted a photo, they were so enamored by the pattern of the wood. It is a complicated piece of wood and looks like 5 small trees grew into one. They said something like look how strong these are all together, like our family. It was nice to hear. Love those darn boys...even if they are smelly and make me crazy.

I think when i struggle my kids notice. Well that is stupid, i know they notice. They are great kiddos. Sometimes they notice more than i wish. Since Brenda doesnt live here she doesnt see as much either and that is one less stress on me. My children are great at seeing when i need some good words. This note was in my lunch box a bit ago. It made me tear up. I was so grateful for them. I dont think i am very good at telling them often enough. I am not really sure how to do that really. I work on it hard every day but its a struggle for me. I am not sure why that is, i wonder all of the time what i can do to be better. Shane is very good at it though so maybe there is a balance. 

I had a friend chat with me yesterday at work about how i was doing. Do you ever think that nobody is paying attention? Well i was taken aback really by her grabbing me to chat. I was not really sure what to say to her. I think i am at a place where i dont have any clue what i am doing. I like my job, i need more of a challenge and that will come. I am sure i am just getting into a comfortable stride and that is something i have to work on. I will have to work on that. She really made me think about what i want and where i am. We do not speak often but when we do she does make me think and I am grateful for that. Its never good to wander around not knowing what you want to do i suppose. So what plans can i make? What steps do i take? all things to ponder on and figure out. I suppose she will catch me again and make me figure it out. I am grateful for her though, grateful that she thought enough to chat with me. 

I have a place on my wall that has a couple of plates. One is of the State of Maine (bottom right) and the one in the top left is a patriotic one i really enjoy. While i was in England/Scotland i thought i should add 2 more so i can always remember where i have been. I wanted to have a reminder everyday of my family, my mother. It is a joy to see when i leave for work every day.  

My Scotland one

My England one 

They are not the best photos but they suffice. 

Makayla turned 18 and decided she was done with Young Womens. I dont blame her. Really i was done at 18 as well. So here we are sitting in Relief Society waiting for the lesson to begin. I cannot believe she is 18, oh and this is kind of a good photo of us...ok of me...there are not many of which i like but his one i really like.....i dont look too bad do I?

Imagine Lauras hair 6 inches longer...we cut it off with the blessing of her father. He gets quite upset when she cuts her hair but it was very long and unmanageable. 

The pile on the floor is enough for another person to have a wig or a whole head of hair. That girl has so much hair its really quite unbelievable. He hair is glorious. She wants to put some color in underneath but so far its a no go. Getting it past dad is going to be a trial. I know it sounds ridiculous cause Brenda and Makayla dye their hair, but hers is so gorgeous and frankly Shane has a soft spot for Laura, i think he does for all the girls but for her...well he is pretty tender. 

So the moral of this blog is what??? i am stuck, maybe that is why i write this? I never thought that writing would be so good for me. I am glad i write as it seems to clear my head, it makes me look at things with clarity i cant see otherwise. Mostly because my head is always running like a computer. There are always tabs open and i have to stop, close tabs and make sense of the pages that are open. I suppose that is a blessing as not many others are like that. It is a gift to be smart and understand many things. Not saying i am super duper smart but i am quite smart. (boy that sounds snotty) I am grateful to have been given that kind of intelligence. My sisters are way smarter and my brothers...but i am glad to have some smarts. 

I suppose its something i will keep working on...what did you do when you were faced with this kind of challenge? Would you leap? find the right thing and Leap? I am thinking that may be coming.....

FOOD the joy of FOOD

I saw myself in some photos and decided whoa...lady get yourself under control...figure things out.Yes it was about my hair! I like my hair generally. When i was younger it was a lovely sweet strawberry red...now its an ugly drab old lady color and has sliver streaks and  I feel old. I was also checking out how cute my daughter was in her beautiful dress and my other girls in their dresses...wishing i could be just as lovely. I know, dont get down on yourself, but it happens, we all feel that way about ourselves every once in a while.

So i decided to get my hair done (already a blog on that) And then I decided i should be more careful of my diet. My diet is a tough thing. I dont have great genes and i am super lazy...I love my bed, I love being snuggled in a bed or a blanket and just chilling. I decided, after a visit to my doctor, that now is the time to make some changes. Ya i am hot and stuff but i need to be hotter, come on people. I started the new diet and it was hard....I have found an new joy in some new foods, but also i have left behind some yumminess...For 6 weeks i left behind sweets. Then my good friend brought some cheesecake...

blurry photo cause i was in the process of snarfing it down like a pig.....

Then i went directly back to my diet of lean meats and lots of veggies and low carbs. I was doing so well. Then Thanksgiving came...someone gave us rolls....they were so so good. I ate 3 with lots of butter then stuffing...It was glorious, until the next day. When i was sorry that i ate that much. Needless to say i figured out the standing of my body and then everyone got sick....that was where the turkey soup came in again.....

So i got back on track quickly and decided to go on a date with my hubby....Decided i wanted some chocolate, picked up these cookies there are not many in the box and if you are at Albertsons around here PICK THEM UP AND EAT THEM....they are delicious....and worth every.single.bite.

So then i was messing around on the internet and i found this meme...I love love love everything about this...Those red hot dogs (which should be cooked in a hot pan with just a touch of butter) with the bun that opens on the top, a cold, super cold Moxie, and chips...my life would of course not be complete without a Whoopie pie....or a good old bunch of Hydrox cookies...I also miss really good fried fish and clams.

WHAT YOU WANT TO HEAR MORE ABOUT FOOD??????????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Frankly i am not that great of a cook. Laura is the cook in the house. Jake comes in as a close 2nd. I have done it for years, i could really care less if i ever really do it again. 

Last sunday i made apple fritters and they were so good. I had a bite of one, delicious. They were gone by the end of the night. 

we made potato soup for Makayla who had her wisdom teeth out

I also made cabbage soup and i love it. it was gone in a few days, mostly cause nobody would eat it and then the boys left it out....soooo, needless to say i suppose i have to stop making stuff i like and nobody will eat.

after weeks of eating salad, veggies, chicken and low carbs I came home to this delicious dinner. I was so excited. Brown rice and peas, with home made coleslaw and chicken breast. It was so glorious to have a fully cooked meal that was filling. 

So i am done with my food post i have been trying to post for a week and a half....just know this, food is delicious...Its sometimes worth finding out new things about food and trying new things...Kind of like life, just try something new....see how your life may change.....