Down, UP, Love

This week has been unusually difficult for me. I am actually quite surprised by my emotional state. I am not sure how it started or even what triggered it but eh...it is what it is. I got a wonderful call from my sister in law on Sunday. Surprisingly it was during church. I heard my phone ring and realized it was her. In my phone she is  AMY B F....whenever i see it it makes me smile just a little bit. I am honestly surprised that she takes the time to talk to me and get to know me. She is so out of my league, she is everything i would want to be from what i know. But our discussion on Sunday made her more real to me. She asked me honest questions and i tried to give really honest and sincere answers to her about what she is up against. It is interesting that we struggle with some of the same issues.

Isnt it interesting that we as a human race, struggle with the same things but we are not aware? Until we finally come into contact with someone and find some common ground. Amy is someone i would have never met or associated with, but the more we chat with each other the more we find support. We have very wide and varied differences but i enjoy finding common ground with her, other than her husband (my brother).

Sometimes families have things that are not discussed out side of our home until the right time. As of right now there are a few things I am not going to bring up, for the sake of this post, know there are some similarities within our families which Amy and I were discussing. I felt that she really took the time to understand me. She was so considerate of my feelings and what the future would bring for our family and how it affects her and Darryll. (dont worry this will all make sense in a while, just not yet...get off my back and dont get in a tizzy i will let you know)It was a wonderful conversation but at the same time I think some sadness overtook me. The main reason for her call was to see if i was making it through the day well, it was the anniversary of my mothers death.

This lovely lady on the left is my mum when she was much much younger....possibly in her teens I believe. 

Since Sunday i have been working hard on keeping my head above water so to speak. I am glad Christmas is here. My kiddos are all going to be here on Christmas Eve and it will be a good time. I am going to take some good  photos....This week i have talked a lot to Shane about how I am feeling and he has been so kind and understanding. I found a wonderful new friend at work whom has taken the time to really get to know me. She takes me as I am and understands when i swear, but encourages me to be a good person as well.....here are some parts of a note she wrote me over our messaging system at work. 

"By the way...on the softer side, more sensitive side of things...yep, I'm going to lay ti on thick because everyone who is a friend with me knows I'm the mushy one! But, Thank you for sharing with me that you miss your mom, because I was with my mom this past weekend...my mom kind of drove me crazy, she tries hard, but still....I know she loves me. So hearing you say you miss your mom, made me realize I need to stop being a brat and be more grateful. Two...Please let me say how sorry I am that you have to miss your mom and that she's not here with you now and that you've had to go so many years without her. I can't imagine that. So from a friend to a friend, I'm giving you a big hug. Life throws rocks in places that are tough to recover from and will always hurt, but thank goodness there are soft places to fall when you need the comfort. I know you hate the mushy...but you're getting it anyway!....thanks for putting so many smiles on my face on days that you didnt realize I really needed someone to make ME smile..."

This sweet lady will have no idea how much this means to me. She is amazing. Today when i got up i didnt think i couldnt make it through the day, seeing her smile and tell me i am ok made me better than i thought. I found that she could listen to me, i can tell her things. It has been a long time since i could talk to anyone about what is going on. There are a few, very few who reach out to me when they see a post and know....in fact there is just one...

I have a new appreciation for my mother, my sister in laws (who keep me connected to my brothers), my mothers family who remind me so much of my mother and love me so much. I know this time of year is so difficult for my siblings, for me I have solace in knowing that I will see her again. I know she hangs around, when she can, loves on my children when she can...just there are times I can feel her with me. I know that I will be with my brother Malcolm again, i know that he loves on me and the children, I know he takes care of those little ones who were here once and have gone home and the ones who are coming to be in our family. I also know my siblings dont necessarily follow what i believe but for me this brings a peace that i need. 

I know my family loves me, they may not like me sometimes, or understand me ever...but they love me. I send them love when i can. I am happy when they tell me back or acknowledge me. I am grateful to have them and for all of the people they have chosen to be in their lives...and for the nieces and nephews who have come along. They are amazing. 

On to Christmas......Christmas Eve dinner for us and some new traditions as now Brenda and Skyler are married....Moral of this story??? Not sure there is one just had to get this out of my head. Not sure it makes any sense to any one but to me...its out...I love you sisters in law...and brother in law...i am grateful to have you .....