It started off as a normal day, I felt really good waking up at 5.40am and just laying in the dark listening to my sound machine. I was wondering what the day will bring. I cant lay there long or i go back to sleep so i started to stir and thought, Please Lord, let today be better than yesterday. Lord please help me to find some peace in myself, my life, my soul. Somehow show me a way to find happiness, not sure how You are gonna do it but make it work for me. Then I remembered the day before.....
It had been a long day at work, I had been yelled at and called a few choice words by some idiot and I realized that I am not that. I have thought all my life that I am a bitchy person. In fact, I have been told quite often that I am and need to stop being that way (thank you Sarah). Yet, somehow I realized that I was NOT, never had been, never was. On my way home from work, I stopped off at my other job and purchased an item for a family who was in need. Now I say in need but they paid me back. As I was walking through the store I realized that I am actually helping someone and I do that often. I then got the chance to sit at my friends house and just talk. We have not had the chance to talk in a while, and sitting with her made me realize that I am not what I think I am. She asked me questions that were important, she was genuinely concerned about ME. I think I dont get that as much as I need. I think I am a giver, a server and often do not think of me. My friend asked things like How is your food (she helped me with my weight loss) or How are the children and How do you FEEL about that or are you feeling like YOU are in a good place, most importantly WHY dont you feel good what do you need to feel that....Granted she has no idea (well now she does) that she did this and it has taken an entire 24 hours for me to figure it out but I think I have found some sense of happiness, a little.
After the (short, very short) visit with her I came home to a hubs who had made a super delicious dinner of enchiladas (with guacamole and sour cream both of which he despises). Watching my family eat and laugh at a dinner made with tender love and care for me....unspeakable.
Then to my workout with my girlfriend. I wasnt sure about this one because it was an ab work out and I hate abs! I wanted to do a good job for her, what did I find but someone who cares about me. She asked all kinds of questions about me, How are you coping with your job, How do you feel daily, Do you have a councilor to help you (said no and then she threatened to talk to the hubs about that) I think she did an amazing job with her work out...it was hard how do I know she slightly swore at me under her breath, or maybe out loud. Then she said we are going to the temple to find some peace so lets do it!! Thoughts of me..
This morning and the day went by and my girl says lets go get our nails done I dont want too. But I go, picts you ask ok
Mine are lovely with a pretty flower and some blue polish
Brendas are pretty cool and she is, as always looking lovely in the camera.
While all of this is going on Brenda and I found that a man in our ward died very unexpectedly today. He has 4 children under the age of 12 with a lovely wife. It was sudden and certainly a strange thing. My sadness can consume me sometimes and I realized that the ages of his children are about the ages of me and some of my younger siblings when our mum died. I cannot do much now for this lovely woman except send thoughts and prayers of support and love. She has a wonderful family who has come to take care of her. What a treasure. I hope to help her when things settle and she knows I am around....
What it comes down to for me is that I need to be told more often that I am important. That I matter in someones life. I need to be asked the questions of HOW...WHAT...WHY...from people who will not let me bullshit them, not let me change the subject, not let me shy away from what I need. So over the past 2 days I have realized (just a little) that the Lord sends people in my way to make sure I dont BS people. My sisters are great ones to know when I am lying (over the phone miles away)...so now how do I find a way to keep this up? Well I have found some ladies who will not let me be stupid so I must hang with them more often, I hope they dont mind.
Oh and my ab workout?? Ya it hurts quite a bit today, quite a bit.....
2 comments:
I like this post :)
I love you Moira and you are important. Thanks for being you.
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