Malcolm

I struggle with a lot of things in my world of weird. My life has not been a life of easy paths, then again I am not sure of anyone who has easy paths. I have met a few people who have had lives which are not as difficult or stress inducing or depression filled and I sort bear and often seem to much for some. ppiness.

 Happiness is somewhat elusive and frustrating most of the time. Often I still find myself looking for happiness. Is it something we are supposed to have all of the time? Or does it come in spurts? There was a time when I was young when I had a camera, it was one of those cheap worthless cameras which I didnt think anything of. This particular year my mother was sick, I know I have one of her somewhere but I cannot find it...in any case here are a few I found. Mind you we were all young...

The one on the left is my sister Eileen, the right is my brother Jacob (I have written about him) and the bottom one is my brother Malcolm. I have one of my sister Sarah but I think she may murder me for showing the photo. I am not sure it is that good for her to have it out there considering at the time she was struggling. She doesnt look that great. 

My family went through a tough time when mum got sick. Us kids were not really kept in much of the loop about what was going on. I am not sure if that was mums idea or dads either way it doesnt matter now. It was hard for everyone involved. Life was precarious and strange. There were children who didnt understand and parents who were doing their best. But somewhere, somehow something was lost in this boy who was the youngest. He had always had a stubborn streak in him. He was a beautiful boy, but loosing his mum at such a young age took a tole on him. Sure we gained a new step-mom less than a year later, GOD BLESS that woman ( I am not sure she really knew what was coming but she is awesome) But for a boy of 5 its tough to have your mum and then the next day she is just gone. JUST GONE...

As the oldest sister I tried to find a way to explain it to him and the others but alas I was not very old myself. I find as I look back this is where I may have failed them. I should have had a better grasp of what to say. But then I see that there is no way I could have. I was a kid with no tools to help. I think counseling would have been extremely beneficial to us. 

CAUTION SOAP BOX RANT COMING:

I feel that as I have lived through this kind of thing parental units need to understand the words they say are important. Families are Forever, Eternity, Eternal Life, Living in Eternity mean absolutely nothing to kids under the age of 16. Being an adult now and finding the blessings of the Atonement in my life along with a deeper understanding of the Gospel of Jesus Christ I understand these words...kids do not hence the reason for primary, the youth program, and us as parents teaching them. We as children needed grief counseling, ALL children who loose a parent need it. WHY?? because you parents are biased and cannot see past your own grief and that is nothing against you, just the facts. ( this by the way has no bearing on my parents, they did all they knew how at the time)

Back to my brother, Malcolm, the last time I saw him was when he came to Boise to visit my family when we first moved here. I was so excited to see him.  He spent a week with us and it was the best time. He would walk to the end of our road and just look at the mountains, play on the floor with the kids, talk for a long time with me and spend time with Shane. He wanted to be an artist, his art is beautiful:

Those shirts were made after he died. They are lovely. I wish I had a copy of one of his pictures but I dont. I found some old pictures of him while looking for a baby picture of John the other day he is just a teen in these photos. I miss his laugh which was a bit dry along with his humor. He and my brother Jake were always together doing whatever it was they did. I was having babies at this time. My brothers would come and play with the babies. They loved being with Brenda, she was a bit of humor in their lives all the time.

 

Life was busy he grew to become an amazing man. this photo was taken a few months before he died

He loved a good beard. I often wonder what he would think of Shanes beard today. He was happy in this photo, this is how I remember him...being a punk. He had a heart of gold and often talked to me about the women he loved, especially about the mum he couldn't really remember. He would ask questions I couldnt always answer but i would try.  He was always a bit lost or looking for something. There is no worse feeling in the world than having a grown man cry on you because of the loss of his mother. 

April 25 2010 i got home from church and there was a message from a police officer based in New Hampshire. I had a heavy feeling in my heart when i returned the call. Its a good thing in have a husband who can be calm and make good decisions. I fell to the floor in anguish and sorrow for such a young life. Shane set out a plan for phone calls. The day was a blur, all i could think was how happy Malcolm must be to have my mum all to himself (i still sort of hate him for that)!  

(plain simple head stone for a punk who deserves a slap and a kick!)

Arranging a funeral is never any fun and I felt bad that everyone had to wait because I was in the last few weeks of a semester of school. I had finals to go through, that was a tough ending for a semester. When I finally made it to Maine and could be with my siblings I felt such relief and peace. Being with my sisters and feeling their compassion and my brothers unending love is what I remember most. I did get a chance to visit Jacob in prison those moments are most special to me. I wanted to hold him much longer than I was able (soon I will be able too). I had to do the eulogy which I thought was fitting. I remember one line from it, as a side bar if you are going to do something like that write it down so you dont forget. I remember saying that Malcolm is watching from a 2 sided mirror and we cannot see him but he will watch over us until we can be together again. 

( this is all of us Dad, Darryll, Mom, Malcolm, Sarah, Eileen, Jacob, me no idea what year maybe 1983ish)

I know without a shadow of a doubt that I will be with him and my mum again. I will get to bask in their glory and love when the time comes. I will be able to be held like a little girl again in my mums arms and she will tell me she loves me and is proud of all I have accomplished in this life. I know that someday I will get to slap the crap out of that boy for driving drunk and making crappy decisions and then I will cry and hold him like I want too everyday. That day will be glorious, well at least I hope so. Until then I get to hang with some pretty awesome people I love them more and more every time I talk with them. Every time we connect we become a stronger base of strength for each other even though we all have such different viewpoints. I respect, love and honor my brothers and sisters for all they do in their lives, they are inspirations to me.

This was May 2013 at my graduation Sarah, Me, Darryll, Eileen

SIDE NOTE: I saw that this post got deleted, not sure how that happened but now its fixed. Also, for those of you who read the previous one the ending is a bit different. I hope in all of my writing I dont offend or embarrass anyone, but then I think eh, its my blog and its me so deal. If you have a comment please do so I know who reads this, seems creepy if you read it and dont leave one just sayin