Roses, texts, hope

Once a year at some point I get a surprise. I love roses they are so beautiful and smell so sweet. I wish I could have them in my house all of the time so that I can see the beauty of them flowering. I have saved almost every rose petal that has been given to me by a certain man in my life. He is a cheap man but when it comes to flowers he goes all out. He searches everywhere for the nicest ones and requests certain arrangements as well as always a glass vase. This year I thought for sure he had forgotten with everything going on, the year has been especially hard and trying. Money has been tight, children have been sick, surprise moving, problems with the house we moved into, more illness....the list goes on and on...

The surprise came on a day that I was sure that I wouldn't make it through the day. The week had been particularly difficult. I have been struggling with work in a few different ways. I dont know if everyone knows but I struggle with people especially people who like to tell me what to do. I tend to buck against the system at that point. My stubborn streak then shows itself and the gold filter I put in tends to fly out. It has been extremely difficult for me to keep myself in check and do the HR thing for the sake of my job. I have learned so much this week of how to behave in a corporate environment. Although I knew how too before I have come to realize the best way to deal with things and it has been helpful. I hope there is a way to move in the company to become better educated. 

I had a glorious opportunity to visit with the CEO of my company. His name is Andy Fujimoto. He gave me 45 mins of his time this last week just to talk about what i wanted to do in his company. The one question he asked me was What can you do to become a better leader? My first response was to work harder then I took a moment and realized the answer is to make sure I am serving those who are around me. I answered him with the thoughts in my mind and a smile came on his face. (Apparently the right answer). Andy then told me that service is what made him who he is. Sure he has money but the money comes from giving to others. Many times during the conversation I felt such a warm love and respect for him. He is a humble and loved man who gives of who he is to make his company a great place to be. At the end of our time I felt sure that my path is set in this company. It will be a great ride, I am going to learn a lot, its not going to be easy, but it is going to be rewarding. 

ON TOOOO..... much more delightful conversation! 

Sometimes Jake and John get a hold of my phone and text their sisters and tell them how much they love them. Now it may not be evident by all of the poop talk but in reality i find a bit of joy in my children. The kids are super funny sometimes. Especially Jakob, that kid can make anyone in our family laugh at any given time, out of the blue. (BEWARE....LOTS of poop talk and if you know Jakes low dry voice have fun reading)

I laughed and laughed when this was happening. Every morning Jake comes in to lay down with me and tell me how much he loves me. Between him and Laura I have 2 huggers on my hands, and the other 3 dont really care about hugs just reassurance that I love them. It is a joy to see them getting along. Lately the boys have been reading scriptures together. They decided one day to learn some scripture mastery quotes and challenging each other to memorization contests. They got with Makayla and made up some cards, she gave them clues for each scripture and now its a they almost have the first set memorized. Certainly gives them something to do other than watching tv. Love those boys. Watching John pass the sacrament is really cool as well. He is still pretty short although I just bought him a size 9 mens pair of sneakers (i am a bit freaked out by that he may be tall???!!!)

As we start into the holiday season I am a bit suspect of the way I will be feeling. I often struggle with the holidays. First of all I dont feel that great about myself at the moment so going into it sucks. Getting motivated to take care of me is on the back burner for some reason. I see my good mate who can motivate and stick to her goals and I admire that so much. I wonder what in me is not there that I cannot accomplish what she has? How do I get as focused as she is? OH and why is food so good? All of the crappy food included. As I look around at all of the the women I know I see how lovely they are shapely, thin(ner than I am by far) and I know they do not feel that way necessarily but I see it and wonder why I dont have the joy of those genes. Havent I had enough going on in my life? Seriously one small break would be nice...either way it doesnt matter I am stuck....

Second of all winter comes and it gets dark earlier and I need the sun. I need to see the light of day to make it from one to the next. Last winter was the best winter by far I had ever had. I was working out...yes i know this answers the previous problem, yes I know I have to figure it out. I hate doing it alone and there is not a chance in the world I will have the hubs do it with me. 

Holidays are meant for family for my kiddos and my Jake is only 10, John only 12 they still love the whole idea of the holidays....still need to keep up. 

in the mean time i have to remember that I am loved no matter what I look like, feel like or act like. I just have to keep up that memory, its hard as the seasonal depression will set in and I have to find ways to work around it. but looking back on this beautiful flower will give me....hope.

Find something to give you hope and when you find it let me know so that I can keep feeling it with you...strength in numbers people.....