Tree, Train, Eagle, 21

I lay in bed at night and look out my window at the tree in the back yard. Lots of times its just to contemplate the day. Often i am listening to Shane sleep or the kids settle down, i realize that my personal issues are something i have to work hard at everyday. As it gets dark and the tree stands out against the dimming light, my thoughts turn to a time when i wasted parts of my life being stupid. Well not stupid per say but mostly ignorant. I have always had a set mind and a mouth to follow, but over the past few years i have decided its not worth it. I keep a lot of things to myself. Dont get me wrong i talk to Shane, although its tough for him sometimes to get things out of me. But I really make a concerted effort to tell him when i am feeling anxious or depressed. Usually he can tell in my voice. He is really great at that. I am so grateful that he can find those moments in me, because often i cannot find them for myself and I have to be reminded. One of the many reasons i love him is because he loves me as i am, crazy and all.

Speaking of laying in bed at night, there is another noise i hear a lot and i have grown to love the noise. I will be sad when it gets too hot to have the window open. We have trains that go by in Caldwell all the time. Granted I am quite a few blocks away but i love the sound of the train horn. I love the fact that somewhere there is an engineer moving down the track and enjoying the night time air like i am. 

I was driving home the other day and ended up at the train tracks, So I thought hey here is the train. I love listening to the train at night. Makes me really think about how life can pass us by with out paying attention. Just pondering the life of mine and wondering what i let go by. What did i let go through my fingers?

Surprisingly I made it through this year with very little sorrow about this guy. Malcolm is...well alive and well in my son Jake. Jake has the dry humor and fun stuff of my brother. I am so glad. It is nice to have him around. Each one of my children have something of my siblings, I love it. 

My boys are hard working scouts. John is working on his Eagle Scout project right now. He is doing indexing. If you wonder what that is go look at FamilySearch.org and you can learn more about it. He is counting hours and names. If you are a history buff and want to help out the world with family history take a peek. John is doing great. Jake wants to be Eagle by 13 and John by 14. They are determined. 

At this court of honor the boys got something like 20 merit badges together. They worked their butts off working on the badges. they have learned so much and are really discovering what they want to do in the future. Both boys want to serve a mission for the church but that is a few years away. Things change in that time. I hope they make great decisions for them. They are pretty dang awesome.

For being the mom of awesomness i get pins....lots of pins...its nice. I keep them in a drawer cause if I wore them all the time that would just be weird. 

As we come to the wedding of my girl i thought i would be more emotional, alas i am not. Calm has come over me. Now my children are another story, there is a lot of teasing about Brenda and Skyler being alone and being in their new apartment. But in reality the kids are super close and it is more difficult than they think. I suppose my kids use humor and teasing to cover the sadness they feel about Brenda leaving. I have to say Skyler has been absolutely wonderful about including the boys and encouraging the girls. I am so grateful for him. I know he is still nervous around Shane but he will come out of that. Shane is very wary because Brenda is his girl, letting her go is hard for him. 

21 years is a long time, and this week is the anniversary of our wedding. I am grateful that Heavenly Father saw through my crap and gave me a great man. I am glad he still likes me too, even when i am snarky and crappy. Overall we are pretty cool for each other and I like that.