Lesson, Depression, Sun

Sunday i gave a lesson on the Word of Wisdom...It didnt turn out quite as I wanted it too. I shall explain. First of all i give a lesson once a month to the women of my ward. For about 30-40 minutes i am given a topic and I try to teach people about it. Sometimes i am successful sometimes not so much. Usually i have a manual i work out of, but my girlfriend needed me to step in for her. So the lesson came from the last General Conference of the Church in October. The talk i had to use was from the Priesthood session and was by our Prophet Thomas Monson. It was called Principals and Promises here is the link to the talk he gave you can read it if you wish.  Also at that link you can listen to him give the talk. Its not very long, the short of it states that we have the ability to call on Heavenly Father when we feel like we are at our last drop of strength and He will help. As long as we are doing our part to take care of ourselves we can be given what we need. Whether it be physical strength or spiritual.

Let me preface by saying that i stayed home on the last snow day and laid in bed until 11am. Brenda had come over and i had it out with a couple of my children, i had it with everything. I have found that i am tired of fighting with members of my family who discard my feelings for their own, or downplay the importance of the way my children feel about the gospel, or how my family practices religiously, or how i feel politically. Frankly its not all about you and  your feelings. Also this winter has been one of the worst on record as far as snowfall and darkness. I do not deal well with that. I was so glad when we moved to Boise that there was way more sun during the winter. The sun here is brighter lovelier for some reason. I took a lot of my feelings out on my children that day and it created a terrible mood in our home. I didnt want to get up that day, it wasnt until my 12 year old came into my room and pulled me out of bed and put me in the shower that i realized what a depression i was in. MY 12 YEAR OLD. I am a soon to be grandmother, a mother, a wife....my husband had been trying to help me for weeks.I was so ashamed...and vowed to make it different...but that pull out of depression is hard. I quietly asked the Lord for a reprieve...a phone call from my friend Cindy to teach her lesson was the reprieve.

Let me tell you listening to someone you admire, reverence and adore will bring you to a place in your heart that has a little light and you know you can get out...I didnt think i could It has been years since i felt this down. Years since i couldnt get out of bed in the darkness that is depression. I decided that night that I am a member of the Church and I love it. Also i have to let my dad take the sadness i had been feeling for so long about my disagreements with siblings. (dont worry i have discussed this with my dad, I am allowed to talk about it and he doesnt mind) I am not going to be a whipping girl anymore for those who are angry at GOD. Its not Gods fault my mother died or my brother or one of my sweet children before they could grow into a full infant. The sorrow and crap we have is not any ones fault its the way life is. We someday have to make choices and decisions and be responsible for those choices. Life is full of happiness and sadness blaming people is a hard thing. Life is a take or leave it thing. I dont think i want to leave it yet.

The political climate of today has created a breed of people who do not have accountability for their actions. Children are not disciplined. Too many of them tell their parents what to do instead of the other way around. Life doesnt make you feel good all of the time there is disappointment and sadness i would rather they deal with it from me and lots of discussion then from others in the world. The moral nature of people is gone. My daughter stated that she disagreed that nakedness was so widely approved of in return she was told its a womans body let her do what she wants. I am not sure that is the case. The case is that SEX sells so a naked body sells products. Naked male bodies sell products as well.

Also i would like to say, I am not a Feminist and will not be in the sense of the ridiculousness of todays world. I know of my femininity and am so proud of it. I dont need a man to make me better, i WANT a man to make me better. I WANT him to be with me ONE with me in all purposes. I WANT him to guide my family and be in charge and make decisions the tough hard decisions. I WANT to have him by my side for eternity. Does that make me less of a woman with no control over her body? I dont think so, it makes me MORE in control. I love him being my man. I LOVE being his woman....the woman who some days cannot get out of bed. He loves me anyway. He gently reminds me daily what a precious and glorious daughter of God i am, that i AM important. That I AM worth EVERYTHING. That even though my body betrays me, my mind betrays me, and sometimes my soul betrays me I AM the most IMPORTANT person in the world to him. I DO NOT need approval from anyone anymore except him and my Heavenly Father.

My lesson turned into a lesson for me to realize that in front of a group of women i could be humbled enough to tell them that I NEEDED my husband to plan the lesson because i physically and mentally could not. I needed that lesson to push me over the edge of the ship to help me out of this depression that had a hold on me, The chains that bind me are still there...slowly they are falling away, it will be a while before they do. But tonight on the ride home the sun came out. The snow had stopped and the sun came out, i smiled for the first time in 3 weeks, a genuine smile where my heart skipped a bit of a beat.