I found myself in an office at work with the CEO of the company and one of the team leads doing the ugly cry...you bet people the ugly cry IN FRONT of my boss and bosses boss....The CEO of my company is a wonderful guy who believes in total transparency in the company. Once a month there is a meeting called the Company View where you go and find out whats up. They pretty much do everything including open the books and tell you whats up with the company. It makes for a great place to work. This View was focused on Depression and the effects it has in the lives of those around us. How we can be better helpers of others and the resources the company has made available (free i might add) so that those battling this can have help.
I have had a struggle with depression for many years. It seems the funniest most outgoing people are the ones who are depressed (Robin Williams?! anyone) Many people find me quite funny, i cant see it but hey whatever. Also I have had many people find great comfort with me. I still struggle with that thought as well. Over the past few months moving, signing kids up for school, attempting to excel in my job, being mom, and wife has become quite overwhelming. I ofcourse instead of taking care of myself let everything go. Including exercise. I think this has been my downfall...When I was working out with Melissa and Dorri I felt a sense of purpose and reason to keep going. Moving has taken me away from the gym i loved now i must find another as soon as I can work out the contract with my previous gym. It has been difficult and frustrating. I have gained weight again and feel yet again like I have let myself down (along with Melissa, even though she has no idea)...
This cry fest in this office was treated with such kindness and understanding. Andy (CEO guy) informed me how grateful he was to have me working at his company. Assured me of my worth as an individual in the workings of his company and that whatever I am in need of his office door is open. Literally his office door is never closed, he believes all of his workers should have access to him. Good and bad. He is at the front of the building before you have to use an electronic pass to get in.
As I went back to work he thanked me for being there, asked if i needed anything from him. I found that he is a Stake President in Meridian...not my stake, but one close by. I had no idea. The peace felt around him was indescribable. One of the team leads was with me Jenny. Jenny is just as amazing. She has been the one to encourage me since I started working and met her at AmeriBen. She has a hubby like mine and is a lot like me. Her presence in that situation gave me hope in knowing that I am on the right path.
Throughout the day they both came to check on me. I even received an email from Andy the next day giving me more words of encouragement. So this is not my usual way of letting people get to know me, but it showed me that being myself is ok. For years I have struggled with being myself. The broken girl who had to work through all of the stupid decisions alone. I am not alone. Very few people really know me. I guard myself....but dont we all?
Guarding really inhibits the ability for others to help. It doesnt let in those who can make you a better person. I struggle with depression, not talking, being standoffish (is that a word?) because its to hard to feel sad. But as of late it just not worth it. I am tired. Tired of being that way.
I started out with some pictures from my yard and my drive to work. Why cant I enjoy this more? Why cant I get myself in gear and do what needs to be done for me instead of wallowing in pity? What do you do to over come those feelings? What do you do for yourself? how have you stopped the crap talk and made your life better?
TELL ME...I need some help here people....I need something to grab onto to make the change....oh and if you would like to move closer anyone (Melissa) i could use a workout buddy again.....
5 comments:
Hmmmmmm but I don't wanna move to meridian hahahaha but I love you I'm confused and sad. Sorry Moira. Your work sounds awesome though. I'm glad you found this spot. Miss you.
I am one of those who finds you "quite funny" and you've given me great comfort. I'm sure you were stressed with school, but you were often my stress relief. I miss you! The world needs more Moiras.
My struggle with depression is like most. A roller coaster! Sometimes the hills and valleys are months apart. Other times each day is an opposite of the last. I was telling another friend just the other day, whom is also struggling against depression, that writing in my journal helps a lot! I don't write about my feelings or emotions, but I write about what I did that day, what I accomplished. I can go back and visualize me that day and the feelings I was having, whether it was angry, down in the dumps, or overwhelmed with joy. I also let my friend know that I do go back and read my journal. Not often, but on days where I want to review. I read to see if I have progressed. I read to see if I did the right thing. One month past a major crisis I can look back and still see how I was right. But one year later I can see that I didn't handle it the right way and how much pain I probably caused. I hope I am learning from the past, what I have written about anyway. Because I forget most of what I don't write.
Um....you just went through a few major life changes in a short amount of time...allow yourself some time to adjust to all of them! :). Glad you have supportive people at work and a wonderful family to support you. We miss you guys! And for the record....you are funny.
Huge changes always throw me for a loop and often leave me feeling depressed. Hopefully, as you adjust to the changes, it will get a little better. Maybe a dinner out with Tyson and I could shine a little light. :) When I was severely depressed, in the story you read on my blog, I tried to hang onto those little rays of light that would shine through the thick darkness. They were far and few between but they helped me to keep going. I hope you have moments like that. You are loved by me and many others. You are in my thoughts and I miss seeing your face.
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