Suffering and Scars

A few years ago I met an amazing woman. She has been quite an inspiration for me although I am not sure she knows it. I know she doesnt. After about a year of knowing the family her husband (who was quite amazing himself and could pronounce my name correctly the first time I met him) died unexpectedly. Going to his funeral brought back so many thoughts of my mother I could not hardly hold in the tears. This mans good friend had come from Scotland to give the eulogy (dressed rather smartly in his Scottish garb) and made me feel the presence of my mother and her father for the most of the funeral. The loss of this womans husband was devastating to say the least for her. We werent best of friends by any means but within a few weeks she had hidden in her house and would only see a few people. Well I made it my mission to go and have some contact with her.

I got up one day and decided that was the day she was going to let me in, she was going to let me talk to her and cry with her or whatever but I had to connect with her somehow. So with much trepidation I went over to her house and her lovely daughter answered the door and told me basically to go away. I told her I understood and I would as soon as I could give my friend a hug. And so I knocked....and I waited....and waited...and knocked again. The door opened slightly, my friends daughter opened the door smiled and nicely told me to go away. She was sweet about it and I love her for it but I explained I wasnt leaving. I was allowed in. Tentatively I spent some time with my amazing friend and told her how much I loved her. I cannot remember if I cried with her or just told her how much I loved her. I just have sweet memories of the spirit and love. From that time I think of her often, we chat periodically and she was kind enough to bring me some Scottish Sweets for my graduation! Having watched her trial of faith through the years and knowing her sons and daughter I have grown to admire this woman and love her more than I can ever tell her. She is a delight to talk with and she is convinced that I have her other daughter. Brenda is her long lost daughter.

Death is something I dont like talking about, it tends to be a touchy subject with me. I have already written about my brother, Malcolm. That death came a bit after my friends husband. Every year I have the thoughts of my brother and mother and wonder when it will get easier. Some days it feels so recent. I sometimes feel like a tortured soul. I feel like the scars are so evident that people can see through me. Then I realize others arent looking at my tortured soul, they are not even looking at me most of the time. When people find out my secrets ( and there are few that actually know them all aside from Shane) they understand why I am the way I am. It has only been recently that I have actually explained to Brenda some of the reasons I react the way I do.

There is a lovely lady I know who has recently experienced death in a way which as I see has made her stronger, on the outside. I know she is strengthened by Heavenly Father and her lost love, but some times when I see her, I see her tortured soul. I see the sorrow, the pain, the anguish that she attempts to cover. I know she is an amazing person and living for the children which she has now entrusted to her. BUT I see how she consistently tries to hide. Maybe others dont see it, but I have seen it before, I know what it looks like. She is amazing in her faith and devotion. I do not question her strength in faith, devotion, love of the Lord, I just see the torture. I decided to day I need to find a way to look beyond that for her. I cannot even talk to her for fear that I may say the wrong thing, which I know I will. I admire that she feels the strength and survive with it, but being alone will come when her family leaves and it is just her...alone.  It will be good for me to watch and see what happens, maybe then I can find a way to talk to her, to learn about her and her talents, maybe become a friend.

So what it comes down to is that we all have scars, we are all tortured in some way, suffering brings the scars of the world. Some of the strongest souls I have met in my life are some who have endured some of the hardest of hardships, they have the scars to show it as well. Some of the people I have met who say they have hard lives have no scars, no torture, it is a means for attention. For those of us who have lived a life and cannot find peace, we hide...in humor, work, hobbies anything that will make it not so hard to talk to people.

So just remember when you see me, I let you see what I want. We all do that put up a facade to make others comfortable. I think that is okay. If you know about me, keep it to yourself, or between you and I, nobody else needs to know.....speaking of that here is a song I love listening too...A bit of hard rock...a bit of Dave Grohl on the drums.